Making the Most of Your Education

Decades ago a high school education might have been enough to secure life's essentials: Food, shelter, even a spanking paddle with holes in it, if one was lucky. Nowadays employees are expected to be familiar with global finance, information technology, and how the Chalupa Supreme™ differs from the Gordita Supreme™. As a service to readers who may be wondering how to educate themselves for the 21st century, we have compiled a list of essential courses that are readily available in most community colleges and/or Books On Tape:

Introductory Microeconomics -
Have you ever wondered what causes gas prices to rise or why engineering students never get laid? Microeconomics shows how simple ideas like supply and demand effect the phenomena we see in every day life. Topics covered include marginal utility, factors of production, and why people would throw their money into a blender if it was labeled "Real Estate: No Money Down!!!" Also covered: Making moral relativism work for YOU.

Sales 101 -
Many people mistakenly assume that usefulness and sound marketing are the most important aspect of selling a product. In reality, sales is an art that fuses individual skills (matching ties with short-sleeve dress shirts, finding out which drugstores sell the best colognes, and when to feign an inability to communicate in English) into a more meaningful whole. "Getting a foot (or, failing that, a crowbar) in the door" is emphasized, as is the importance of getting testimonials from obese mullet heads who can plausibly claim to make $1,000 per minute while urinating into a water balloon. Independent observations at local mattress retailers are required.

Beginning Philosophy -
For centuries mankind has grappled with fundamental questions of morality and existence. Is it ever right to commit a moral wrong? Is the life of a polar bear worth more than that of a sloth? What if the sloth is a patron of the Metropolitan Opera House? Is it possible to have lower self-esteem than Franz Kafka? Students will explore these conundrums and many others by examining the works of history's greatest thinkers, such as Socrates, Friedrich Nietzsche, Soren Kierkegaard, and Lou Dobbs. Ultimately, students will gain an understanding of humanity's most enduring philosophical debates and why they are better off going into investment banking.

Understanding the Physical World -
Finally, a science course for those of us who have trouble remembering the integers. Topics to be emphasized include plants, animals, the sun, and not being late to football practice. Students will gain an understanding of evolution and why we should be nicer to pigeons. The final exam is mandatory and students will be required not only to differentiate between 15 species of dinosaurs, but also to correctly predict which one would beat the others in a fight.