Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Obama Reelection Speech Leaked

Full Text:

Many things have happened. History.
[pause for applause]
4 years ago I stood before you. I was a little more handsome, had a little less grey in my hair.
[flash smile]
[pause for applause]
From Michigan to Minnesota, from Delaware to Dubai, Harlem to Haiti, from Amsterdam to Atlanta, Los Angeles to Laos, Liverpool to Lexington, Texas to Tennessee, from Kentucky to Katmandu, New York to New Haven, from the great planes of Nebraska to the sweeping skyline of Shanghai, from valley to valley, mountaintop to mountaintop, from Australia to Anchorage, Illinois to Idaho, from Montreal to Mexico, Miami to Mali, from Mozambique to Moscow, Vermont to Vienna, from Gettysburg to Greensboro.
[pause for applause]
When I took office Iraq, Iraq, Iraq. I saved us from a great depression. We're adding good private sector jobs *cough cough*, no seriously folks, no joke *cough*. Ted Kennedy, Ted Kennedy, Ted Kennedy. China-never uh mind, uh. I shot those pirates, remember? Iraq, Iraq, Iraq. Iraq cost us a trillion dollars. Iraq, Iraq, Iraq. The Bush-Cheney recession. Iraq. I delivered change, to uh, well, Tunisia. I love the troops. I make love to the troops. Support the troops. Honor. Troops. Troops. Troops. Marines. Army. Navy. Coast Guard. Army Reserve. ROTC. Pimply faced kids playing Call of Duty 4 on xBox-360 who will soon be recruited to fly our UAVs. Education, I know I didn't get around to it, but I planned to, I swear. 4 more years. 4 more years. 4 more years. We're winning the war in Iran, a strong America will never replace the commander in chief during wartime. Strength. Unity Unity Unity. Winning. Tiger Blood. Republicans want to kill your grandma.
[pause for applause]
From Sacramento to Sarasota, from Iceland to India, Brazil to Bolivia, from Puerto Rico to Portugal, from Dublin to Des Moines, Arizona to Alaska, from Cleveland to California, from Newark to the Netherlands, the Philippines to the Falkland Islands, from Monaco to Madagascar, from Algeria to Albania, from Mississippi to Montgomery, from Arkansas to Albany.
[pause for applause]
Thank You and may God continue to bless these United States... ... ... ... of America.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Romney Prepares For 2012 Bid

Mike Huckabee Scraps 2012 Bid to Audition For America's Got Talent

Donald Trump Launches Bid For 2012

Obama Begins Bid for 2012

American people furious after Daniel Ellsberg arrested outside White House

An anonymous protester wearing an army uniform and a 'Don't Tread On Me' trucker hat spoke to Harry The Partridge upon leaving an anti-war rally that led to 100 arrests including the arrest of drug-loving sex pervert Daniel Ellsberg. "We've had enough of these strong-arm tactics from President Nixon, we have a right to peaceably assemble and voice our opposition to war here on the 8th anniversary of the Iraq War. Daniel Ellsberg has commit no crime. We have a duty as patriotic American citizens to voice our objections to the treatment of Brad Manning. Nixon's own State Department Spokesman called the treatment "ridiculous, counterproductive and stupid". We all expected so much more from President Nixon, it seems very little has actually changed since George Bush. We are deeply concerned for Ellsberg's safety as Henry Kissinger has been calling for Ellsberg and Michael Moore to be killed. We call on President Nixon to respect the constitution he swore to uphold. Nixon must allow antiwar protester to peaceably assemble, exercise their right to free speech, grant Bradley Manning a speedy trial, and rein in the DoD's use of cruel and unusual punishment. We further call on President Nixon to reject P.J. Crowley's resignation for telling the truth, and to denounce Kissinger's calls to kill or defame political opponents. We voted for change and it's high time President Nixon delivers on some of his promises."

Breaking News: French Surrender

Libya(Sasquatch Wire) Obama's broad coalition just got narrower as the French surrendered Sunday. Faced with the menacing threat of several unibrowed youths throwing stones and molotov cocktails roughly in the direction of French fighter jets, Nicolas Sarkozy phoned Obama to declare "enough is enough".

Monday, March 7, 2011

Charlie Sheen Doesn’t Know the Meaning of Winning By Rex Larry Champion

I know Harry The Partridge might not agree, but roughing up hookers and banging seven gram rocks is no way to win.

There is only one way to win. And that is by winning. And the only way to do THAT is by working the system. The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System.

I have something better than tiger blood. I have chetah blood, man.

Chetahs are faster than tigers. So who’s really winning?

Charlie Sheen only thinks his winning, but like most nancy boys he’s really losing. Bi-losing, tri-losing, I’ve lost count. He’s losing here, losing there, losing everywhere, man.

After a few years that “winning” tattoo is going to look as cool as a “where’s the beef?” tattoo, or a certain “Billy Bob” tattoo- you know who you are.

If you ever played arcade games at Round Table Pizza back in the 80’s, you know that Winners Don’t Use Drugs.