Ask Sasquatch

Q: Sasquatch, there has been a lot of discourse about global worming lately. What's your take on this contentious issue?
A: I survive by eating polar bear meat and twinkies. I hope for the sake of my cholesterol that global warming is a hoax and polar bears remain plentiful.

Q: Sasquatch, do you have any siblings or were you an only ape-child?
A: I have a sister but we're not close, have you ever watched Rosie?

Q: Tell us about your love life.
A: Our natural life span is 15 years. I kept on getting arrested for statutory rape in the states, so I moved up here to Canada where they don't have any laws. I wonder why R. Kelly didn't think of moving here.

Q: Speaking of Canada, do you have any opinion on the Quebec separatist issue?
A: Quebec is a great place... FOR ME TO POOP ON.

Q: Sasquatch, what's your favorite movie and why?
A: I like the Joy Luck Club because it's heartwarming and delightful.

Q: Do you have any heros?
A: Thomas Edison because he was a master of taking credit for the work of others. Plus it was really neat when he electrocuted that elephant.

Q: Master of taking credit for the work of others? Does that have any personal significance to you?
A: Let me put it this way, there were 20,000 bigfoot sightings last year. I get around but I'm not Paris Hilton, ok?

Q: What exactly do you mean by that?
A: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.

Q: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!
A: Then make your choice.

Q: I will, and I choose - What in the world can that be?
A: What? Where? I don't see anything.

Q: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.
A: You guessed wrong.

Q: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha... [DIES]
A: Don't mess with Sasquatch. Interview over.