Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Archeological Discovery Sheds New Light on Timeline For Life on Earth

Fossils of the sponge-like animals found in Southern Australia date to 650 million years ago making them the oldest ever discovered. The previous oldest known animal fossils were 580 million years old, discovered by archeologists in a shrimp entrée at Long John Silvers in 2008. Following that exciting discovery, a $15 Million grant from the National Science Foundation was awarded to a team of archeologists working to unlock the mysteries of the Neoproterozoic era by excavating more dishes at Long John Silvers, but the project was cut short after all of the investigators died. This recent discovery in Australia renews hope for archeologists who may now see there are other, less dangerous avenues remaining to expand our understanding of Earth's oldest macroscopic life.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Furious Obama Fires CIA Director Over Iran Mix-Up

Washington (Sasquatch Wire) -- Obama’s audacious dream to further American hegemony while keeping his hands cleaner than his predecessor via the strategic application of soft power has been plagued by early problems and the ramifications are grave. Last year’s Green Revolution in Iran started out promising and ended in dismal failure while greatly weakening the United States in the eyes of Israel, which is now on the fast track to launching strikes against Iran without American blessings. Obama’s failure on Iran during his first year in office may prove to become one of the defining legacies of his presidency. Recent revelations show CIA incompetence may be more to blame than problems with Obama’s strategic acumen.

From day one Obama made a top priority of covertly backing color revolutions in an attempt to change the world on the cheap, modeling his attempts roughly after earlier CIA (or occasionally George Soros) -backed successes such as the Polish Solidarity Movement, the Orange Revolution in Ukraine, Rose Revolution in Georgia etc.

To that end, Obama ordered the CIA to get serious and throw their whole weight behind the Mujahidin, which Writing Rendezvous sources have characterized as a “half-hearted, half-assed project the CIA had been dicking around with for years. The mission experienced significant drift as they went from playing cards and drinking scotch to killing half of their assets in Iraq for no particular reason.” Obama also demanded the CIA revamp their other assorted shenanigans in Iran, yelling at them to “quit jerking off, I don’t want another Bay of Pigs” according to a source familiar with the conversation.

In one plan nixed by Obama, the CIA had planned to kidnap Ayatollah Ali Khamenei (jokingly called the EyeBrowTollah in intelligence circles) and shave his eyebrows off in the hopes an eyebrowless Ayatollah would lose respect and quickly be deposed from power. The CIA seems to be working out of the same play book that led it to an attempt against Castro’s beard in the 60’s [editor’s note: this isn’t a joke, the CIA really did try to make Castro’s beard fall out by putting thallium salts in his boots in hopes the seat of his power would fall to the floor along with his whiskers].

In another ongoing franchise, the CIA has been editing all American TV shows to contain propaganda for the Iranian market. Iranians are quite fond of tuning into Baywatch using their satellite dishes (frequently confiscated by the government and just as frequently replaced in an endless cycle of mirth). While it is generally held that the theocrats take issue with silicone juggs, it appears Iranian leaders have a quite rational objection to the satellite dishes given the modified content being broadcast into Iranian living rooms. For example, David Hasselhoff’s character on Baywatch is quite given to ridiculing Amadinijhad, often calling him a turkish whore, midget, camel-fucker, homosexual, or jew.

The version of Obama’s Cairo speech aired in Iran contained scarcely-veiled references to ‘follow The Hoff, for like Muhammad, he is a prophet of sorts’.

As if the situation couldn’t get more chaotic, in a shocking turn of events this week WikiLeaks unsheathed documents proving that for years the CIA has been erroneously backing the Jem'Hadar inside of Iran instead of the Mujahidin.

This new revelation of CIA incompetence couldn’t come at a worse time for Obama as hawks in the Department of Defense have been wriggling the reins away from the soft-power camp, reanimating the spectre of direct military confrontation in Iran, Syria, North Korea, Pakistan, Northern Africa, and the Gamma Quadrant. Eager to disrupt Chinese oil supply, Ferengi and Dominion cargo vessels will be targeted at the onset of any military conflict and the United States will act aggressively to seize control of all oilfields and pipelines in the galaxy.

When the revised version of the 2007 National Intelligence Estimate comes out, hawks plan to kill two birds with one stone by overstating Iran’s nuclear progress and implicating The Ferengi in a seized shipment of gold-pressed latinum bound for Iran found to be hiding bars of uranium.

Bringing the NIE into alignment with MI6 and Mossad assertions will isolate Obama and make his reliance on diplomacy and soft power increasingly difficult to defend. War is looking more likely and any shakeup of the CIA may be too little, too late given the scope of its problems.

During a heated closed congressional hearing Tuesday which Harry The Partridge was able to sneak into, the former CIA director tried to defend the damning mistake. “I offered Obama my resignation this morning but you know as well as I that intelligence agencies have blind spots. Jem’Hadar, Mujahidin- They sound almost exactly the same, it was an honest mistake. This project has been underfunded for years and we still lack adequate translators. Compounding the problem, the Jem’Hadar and Mujahidin dress and speak in a very similar fashion. We need congress to shower money on the CIA to punish us for our dismal failure.”

Speculation now abounds as to what role the mistake played in the underwhelming Green Movement and whether it is too late for a second shot.

Political analyst Sasquatch comments “This revelation is a double edged sword for Obama. On one hand it is a terrible foreign policy embarrassment; although this has been going on since Clinton or Bush 41, the leak happened on Obama’s watch so he owns it now. On the other hand, it allows him to make the case of ‘Give me more time; If the Mujahidin-e-Khalq get the support originally intended, we may still cultivate a sufficiently destabilizing force- that extra little push we need so the next color revolution in Iran will stick.’ Obama may get somewhere with this line of argumentation as many stomachs are queazy these days about war with Iran. As I speak, you can guarantee that the CIA has withdrawn support for the Jem’Hadar and we are now sitting down with the Mujahidin to talk shop. It is likely that future sanctions and possible face-to-face talks with Iranian leaders are little more than stall tactics, designed more than anything to keep Israel's finger off the trigger while we continue to work aggressively on transforming Iran from within. A new propaganda team is desperately needed to make David Hasselhoff’s call for revolution more persuasive. Whatever happens we must hope the CIA has learned from its past mistakes and is now giving the Iranian Mujahidin the support it needs to succeed and nothing more, we mustn’t forget this is a marriage of convenience and it can come back to bite us down the road if we are not careful; the last thing we need is to see the Mujahidin armed with photon-torpedoes.”

Sunday, August 22, 2010

The Greatest Rube Goldberg Machine: How WikiLeaks Documents Reach Julian Assange

An elaborate labyrinth is used to safeguard, verify, and anonymize WikiLeaks documents prior to their publication. Writing Rendezvous has made an editorial decision to publish this secret procedure under the same philosophy as WikiLeaks itself. To the critic who argues we are undermining the mission of an important organization, we respond that anyone who is expending capital to conceal information from the public probably has impure motives and thus deserves to have their secrets revealed.

Without further ado, here is how they do it:

1.) Document is steganographically encrypted using Tomas Kinkade Paint By Numbers Kit and hung on the wall of the nearest Thomas Kinkade gallery. This is an ideal first drop-off point as there are several Kinkade galleries in every city on earth.

2.) Carefully trained runner undertakes the delicate mission of buying painting while keeping a straight face.

3.) Document is decrypted and translated into Navajo where it is then published in the classifieds section of Japan Business Times.

4.) Blackjack dealer at Fire Rock Navajo Casino in New Mexico buys a copy of Japan Business Times at Barnes & Noble and translates the document into English.

5.) A rigorous fact-checking procedure is used to insure that pranksters or malicious actors have not submitted inauthentic documents. In the case of a leaked military document, document is taken to a VA hospital and all park benches are surveyed for men who look like they might be veterans. WikiLeaks takes pains not to disturb veterans who are busy feeding pigeons or sleeping. Once a man is identified as looking like a veteran he is approached and shown the document whereupon he is asked the question “does this look legit to you?”

In cases of high-profile documents such as the Afghan War Diary, a second veteran sitting on another bench is consulted. In very high-level cases, WikiLeaks may wave its standard policy and disturb a sleeping veteran or one happily feeding pigeons, but only rarely and with the direct authorization of Julian Assange himself.

6.) If the document is authenticated, it is placed in a nondescript manilla envelope and mailed to Kurt Loder, who is known to be too stoned to check his mail during the days of monday-sunday.

7.) Kurt Loder’s neighbor assumes the document and makes several copies by hand, using a quill pen and only moonlight for illumination while spooky music plays in the background. This step is unnecessary, but Kurt Loder’s neighbor feels slighted by the banality of his role in the labyrinth.

8.) The extra copies along with an accompanying special message are placed into envelopes and addressed to Seymour Hersh, David Barstow, Susan Schmidt, the BBC, and Lil Wayne. These envelopes are stored in five separate safe-deposit boxes belonging to five different individuals living in different cities, each pledged to mail their envelope to its respective journalism arm in the event that the document is in some manner blocked from publication (as to be demonstrated by the document not appearing on the site by a certain date including the events of the site being shut down or Julian Assange dying a mysterious death).

9.) Additional copies produced in a similar manner are placed into jars of peanut butter where they are distributed around the globe to areas that give Uncle Sam a headache including but not limited to Sweden, Iceland, Belgium, The Cayman Islands, The Pakistani-Afghan Border Region, The North Caucasus, The Guatemala-Chiapas Border, as well as several of America’s ungovernable tribal regions such as Detroit, Camden, and St. Louis.

10.) The peanut butter is enjoyed with crackers and celery sticks and the document is translated back into electronic format where it sent via secure TOR networks to Australia.

11.) Steps 1-10 are repeated for fun.

12.) Fake documents labeled “wiki-leeks”, containing recipes for potato leek soup are delivered to the WikiLeaks PO box at the University of Melbourne.

13.) Real documents delivered to secret WikiLeaks headquarters (which changes location every 3 days) by Julian Assange’s confederates who have infiltrated the Australian Postal Service at all levels.

14.) Julian Assange personally reads every document to be published, types it up and formats it on his laptop while wearing a beaglepuss. The document is now ready to change history.

15.) A hamster wheel powers a conveyer belt which knocks a billiards ball onto a furnace blower which wakes up a cat who knocks over a bird cage which turns on a stove which boils water in a whistling tea kettle which whistles when boiled thus waking another sleeping cat which has been carefully trained to not wake up during any of the previous stages of the apparatus. The cat chases a mouse which knocks over a domino which knocks over another domino which in turn knocks over another domino which falls off a table and activates a spring loaded boxing glove on a stick which punches a soccer ball which tips over a glass milk bottle which activates a plastic “drinking bird” which pecks the “return key” on a computer keyboard which publishes the document on wikileaks.org for the world to behold.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Schwarzenegger Gets Creative

Sacramento (AP) -- California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today signed into law a new measure which will save the finically troubled state several hundred dollars a year on its electric bill. "Now is the time to pinch our pennies. Every dollar counts. We must be creative to face these challenges" the governor said in a brief prepared statement. The new law will do away with the right for condemned death row inmates to choose their last meal; from now on the last meal will be only the Super Combo Shrimp Platter from Long John Silvers, thus allowing the electric chair to be retired.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Interview with Terrence Rumplebottom IV

Writing Rendezvous recently had the opportunity to sit down with noted academic Terrence Rumplebottom IV, current holder of the Augustus Breastus Chair of Barbarian Studies at Cambridge University. Below are the highlights of our illuminating discussing with Rumplebottom, in which we discussed various issues of global import including war, peace, the Twilight Saga, and why personal hygiene and eco-awareness can never truly coexist.

WR: Thanks for joining us, Professor Rumplebottom. We have reached a pivotal point in American history: the largest financial reform bill in decades was recently signed into law, we are in the process of concluding two major foreign wars, and the Kardashian sisters' relationship may be beyond repair. Can you think of another time in our history that has been filled with such tumult?

Rumplebottom: The only period that immediately comes to mind is the presidential election of 1742, which pitted Taft against Roosevelt. The country was heavily divided over a number of pivotal questions. Should they make peace with the Klingons and war with the Romulans? Peace with the Cardassians and war with the Ferengi? In the back country, farmers were in open revolt over whether "fish and chips" should be renamed "fish and fries." Some demanded a Gold Standard, while others insisted upon paper money. A third faction remained devoted to Pepsi reward points. Wheel of Fortune was a new and untested concept.

WR: Many people feel that the recent health care reform effort amounts to "government healthcare." What is your perspective?

Rumplebottom: We rely on the government for so many things. Without the federal government, there would be no one to deliver the mail, defend the borders, and tell us where to stand in line at the DMV. The current healthcare system is extremely stratified. The wealthiest Americans have access to the best doctors and hospitals in the world. The middle class must resort to leaches. The most deprived must receive treatment at Kaiser. Something must be done to alleviate this disparity.

WR: You taught Harry the Partridge when he read at Cambridge. What can you tell us about Harry's early life?

Rumplebottom: Harry was a dedicated student and quite resilient. Many people do not know this, but Harry nearly succumbed to avian flu several months before his final examinations after eating bad seeds in Hong Kong during Winter Mass vacation. Harry was particularly gifted in languages and the fine arts. It was said that he moved the eyes in the Portrait of Gertrude Stein using only his mind. He also came from a very humble background, as his mother was a carrier pigeon for Federal Express and his father was severely injured in a hunting accident by Dick Cheney's grandfather. What he has accomplished is truly amazing.

WR: Before we conclude, I'd like briefly to get your thoughts on Axe Body Spray...

Rumplebottom: That commercial with the man shooting water out of his armpits is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Coming Soon...

Click To Enlarge

A Villanelle by Harry the Partridge

A multiverse isn’t somewhere to be

Stretch your mind ‘till it bends and you’ll see

A multiverse is manywhere to be

Walk forward or back

What you get’s what you see, or is it?

A multiverse isn’t somewhere to be

Walk straight or walk gay or walk fast

All at once perhaps you’ll all three

A multiverse is manywhere to be

In times of distress oh to jump

From one parallel to the next, any but this, but alas

A multiverse isn’t somewhere to be

Heartening hope harvested from a thriving tree

The knowledge of manythings different though unseen

A multiverse is manywhere to be

As long as I’m me there’s no hope I can see

Can I finally rest knowing I’m we?

A multiverse isn’t somewhere to be

A multiverse is manywhere to be

Men’s Health Isn’t Just About Boners By Rex Larry Champion

Men’s Health is a sensitive issue for a lot of guys, but it doesn’t have to be.

You see, the other guys want you to think that Men’s health is just about boners.

Thanks to the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™, guys who use the system don’t need to sweat it. After working the system, most guys become so spectacular, their wives and girlfriends practically need sunglasses from the ultimate brilliance of their package.

To sum up this first point, my RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ makes boner problems a thing of the past.

So what’s left?

A lot of guys think that boners are all there is to Men’s health, so now that we conquered it, I can just pack up my gym bag and drive home, right?

That’s taking the easy way out and if there’s one thing my readers know by now, RL Champion never takes the easy way out. Taking the easy way out is for nancy boys who forever vanquish their aspirations with quitting. You can’t quit it, you have to keep churning these articles out for your loyal readers, churn it out.

I’m here today to let the world know there’s a lot more to Men’s health than boners.

I know I’ve lost some of you, because this flies in the face of everything you’ve ever been taught. Bear with me. By the time you’re done reading this article, you’ll be armed with the knowledge that Men’s health is more than you think, and more than you ever thought possible.

Men’s health is about being able to bench press the Sears Tower.

There, I said it. I know, most guys think that bench pressing the Sears Tower is impossible. That’s only because they never worked the Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ to get past the boner thing. Once the boner thing is a thing of the past, there’s a whole new world of Men’s health you never knew about it. I wouldn’t lie. It’s a simple fact that I bench press the Sears Tower every morning.

I know some of you smart readers are saying to yourselves “No way he benches the Sears every day when he lives all the way in Santa Monica. RLC has personal jets but it would get way too tedious commuting like that. Nobody works out every day anyway; even RL Champion needs time to rest and recover between workouts. Wouldn’t it be so much easier to bench press the U.S. Bank Tower in downtown LA?”

There’s so much wrong with the statement I need to go point by point.

First, I used to work out every day of the week, but I found that I wasn’t quite getting the RESULTS I wanted. I discovered that my routine was perfect, which is when I made the shocking discovery that it was the 7-day week standing in my way. So I developed an 8th day of the week. I call it Champday but if you decide to move to an 8-day week, you can call it anything you like.

Before you jump in and say you’re planning to move to a 9-day week, don’t even bother, I tried it and all it did was put me in that barren no-man's land of diminishing returns. 8 days is optimal. Most guys work out 5 or 6 days a week. I work out 8 days a week. So anyone who hears that you can’t work out every day is wrong.

I admit it, I used to bench press the U.S. Bank Tower all the way back when it was First Interstate World Center. That’s when I first started discovering the secrets of true Men’s health. But soon I needed a bigger challenge so I moved on to curling the WTC and the Petronas Towers before eventually deadlifting the Golden Gate Bridge and bench pressing the Sears Tower. The Sears is my favorite lift so I do it every day.

Yes, it’s true that I have personal jets. That’s the only thing you got right. I like to fly them for fun and I do reverse crunches while hanging from the ailerons with my toes. But anyone who tells you that I fly to Chicago every morning is lying to you because the simple truth is that I don’t fly from Santa Monica to Chicago, I jog.

Being able to jog from Santa Monica to Chicago is another pillar of Men’s health most guys will never experience.

I have a client who has been working the system who jogs from Moscow to London every morning to bench press Big Ben. Pretty impressive huh? Well I’m not impressed. I forgot to mention, when I jog from Santa Monica to Chicago, I don’t run East, I run West. Sometimes I go for an extra lap all the way around the globe before I get there. I told you, RL Champion never takes the easy way out. Running the short way from Santa Monica to Chicago is like cutting corners, you just don’t do it if you’re after Ultimate Satisfaction and Ultimate Results for Ultimate Performance and Ultimate Results. Ultimate Men’s Health is not easy, I wont lie to you. It’s hard work. But the other option is to sit at home wondering why those other programs just aren’t working for you.

I could give you even more secrets of Men’s health, but this information is just too valuable to share all at once. You guys have to spend some time to think about what you just learned. I want all of you to hunger for Men’s health. Stay tuned for the next installment and until then, remember these words: STRENGTH isn’t what you do or who you are or even how much you make, it’s about thrusting past the road blocks in the road and moving beyond them, move it out, move to your wildest dreams forever so you never look backwards to regrets but only ahead to everlasting glory and ultimate potency for peak performance and ultimate Men’s health.

RL. Champion