Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Daily Inspiration By Rex Larry Champion

Nothing is more rewarding than watching puny nancy boys get RESULTS. It's my passion. My life's work. These are classics and always an inspiration. Enjoy.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Breaking News: Patrick Kennedy Found Sober

File Photo

(Washington DC) Speaking on the condition of anonymity, staffers working for Representative Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) informed Writing Rendezvous that Kennedy was spotted sober today. Staffers initially became suspicious after the distinguished congressman was seen walking in a straight line. After a series of meetings in which he failed to slur his words, they knew something was amiss. The smoking gun came directly after Kennedy cast a vote for Barney Frank’s amendment on H.R.3074: to the amazement of everyone present (and three or four elderly people watching c-span), Kennedy stayed on the floor rather than making his usual beeline to the men’s to take a swig from his boot flask.

“I couldn’t believe it. Patrick Kennedy was dry as a bone” one staffer relayed “At first some of us speculated that maybe he had a weird schedule, like he’d been partying all night and hadn’t been to bed yet. You know, like he was just waiting a few hours to start drinking again. But then we realized, it’s not like him to show up to work the day after hard partying. His breath didn’t even smell like liquor. To be honest, we were tempted to call the Secret Service because it almost seemed like he was an impostor. We heard that he was drenched in the sauce even when he was in rehab a few months ago. Patrick Kennedy without his hooch is like a fish out of water, we’re all very worried about him.”

This isn’t the first time a Kennedy has been found sober. One afternoon in 1971, Patrick’s father, Edward Kennedy was rumored to have been sober.


So A Rabbi And A Preist Go To The Dog Track

The Priest offers to buy the Rabbi a hot dog and the Rabbi looking surprised says "you know I can't eat that treif!" The Priest having anticipated this objection quickly shoots back "it's ok, they serve Hebrew Nationals here." The Rabbi appears satisfied with this response so he shrugs and says "sure, would you like me to buy you a hotdog Father?" The Priest looks down at his shoes and says "I must decline. Don't you know how much the eating of wieners has cost our diocese already?"

Friday, July 20, 2007

Ask Sasquatch

Q: You recently challenged four-time World’s Strongest Man winner Magnus Ver Magnuson to an arm wrestling match to raise awareness for the genocide in Darfur. Do you have any updates for us, what is going on with that?

A: I spoke with a representative from Magnus Ver Magnuson’s camp this morning and regrettably he has declined my offer. I’ve been brainstorming for months, trying to figure out how to best raise awareness for this important humanitarian issue, but it’s hard for an unstoppable powerhouse such as myself to find challengers. Before approaching Magnus, I had challenged Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut to a hot dog eating contest, but they declined as well.

Q: That’s a shame. Do you have any other ideas?

A: I have a tentative agreement to be Tucker Carlson’s dance partner for the new season of Dancing With The Stars, but that may pose problematic because Tucker is a heartless isolationist and I don’t want him to deflect the impact of my message.

Q: Sasquatch, when did you first become interested in humanitarian causes?

A: Existing in the world as a large ape-man, I have long known the sting of discrimination and persecution. It’s quite natural for me to side with the underdog. As long as there is injustice I will be angry. As long as there is war and famine and strife I will be there, fighting the good fight in whatever capacity I can.

Q: Do you have any heroes?

A: Edward R. Murrow gave me the courage to speak truth to power. Nelson Mandela taught me the value of perseverance and sacrifice (as well as the importance of committing acts of sabotage against infrastructure as a means of draining your enemy’s piggy bank). Ted Nugent for illuminating the superiority of venison and buffalo meat. Frank Sinatra for providing a soundtrack to my life. Jon Stewart for lowering the bar for comedy which in turn enabled me to get my first big break in show-biz.

Q: David Hasselhoff is conspicuously missing from your list.

A: Oh Yes, what was I thinking. Hassehoff is hero to all, a God among men.

Q: I wish this was an audio interview so that everyone could hear the biting tenor of your sarcasm. Sasquatch, do you ever watch television?

A: No, I have better things to do. Television is for those whom my associate Harry The Partridge would call ‘unlettered knob gobblers’.

Q: I heard you were approached with an offer to co-produce Woody Allen’s upcoming opera. Any truth to that rumor?

A: If I told you, I’d have to kill you.

Q: Sasquatch, what do you think of all the 9/11 conspiracy theories floating around the internets?

A: Well, I must say, I’m ambivalent about the conspiracy crowd. On one hand, they’re one of the few groups that actually recognizes my existence (which I find quite flattering), on the other hand, they believe in a lot of nonsense like UFOs and the like. So as to the 9/11 conspiracy theories, I’m still somewhat on the fence. I find it hard to believe the government would have the competence to pull off such a feat. What I will say is that I’m certain WTC 7 was a controlled demolition. Does this mean that the US Government planned 9/11? Of course not. Tim Osman is surely to blame. Look, if the government had a brain, they would send ME out into those ungoverned areas in Pakistan to hunt down Bin Laden. A Sasquatch would be far more effective in that inhospitable region than special ops.

Q: I’m sensing some real frustration, Sasquatch.

A: It’s hard to be me. I can do it all, but nobody trusts me. If the government could get over it’s prejudices or at minimum extend something like the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy to Sasquatches or Yetis, we would have captured Bin Laden a long time ago.

Q: Who do you like for 2008?

A: Joe Biden. You know he’s half-sasquatch, right?

Q: What’s the other half?

A: You’re a funny man.

Q: You’re rumored to be a connoisseur of fine cigars. Are you alarmed by the proposal to levy a $10/per stogie federal tax (a whopping increase over the current 5¢ tax) to partially pay for a children’s health insurance initiative which congress should have funded with money that was instead squandered on Iraq?

A: It does make a certain kind of logic. Who are these sick kids anyway? I imagine many of them are life-long cigar smokers. Who better to pay the tab than those cigar-smoking sick kids.

Q: Sasquatch, what do you think about Sean “The Muscle Shark” Sherk’s recent positive test for steroids.

A: It makes Baby Jesus cry.

Q: Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?

A: You’re looking at him baby, you’re looking at him. Wait. Ask me again.

Q: What?

A: Ask me again.

Q: Uh, who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?

A: Bill Clinton.

Q: Ok Sasquatch, I can dig it, and I know that you knew that I would. Let’s move along now. George W. Bush is scheduled to undergo a colonoscopy tomorrow and Dick Cheney will be temporarily left in charge. Scared?

A: Sounds like good news to me. Maybe they’ll find George Bush’s head.

News Flash: George W. Bush To Undergo Colonoscopy Tomorrow

"Maybe they'll find George Bush's head" - Sasquatch

Sunday, July 15, 2007

My Rivals Are Unlettered Knob Gobblers By Harry The Partridge

Have you ever been practicing your craft and everything was flowing and coming together in the most splendid of ways. You were in the zone. That peak alpha state that each of us would occupy forever were it not fleeting by it’s very nature. Have you ever been so engrossed, eating and drinking suddenly find themselves burdensome un-necessities. Indeed, breathing itself becomes scant necessity, for in the throws of your passion (if you were to take notice) you would notice yourself holding your breath. Each second is as long as you need it to be and each proceeding one blends with the previous in the most seamless manner. The distance between your consciousness and your medium has shriveled to nothing. There is nothing in this space but creativity and creation.

And then some bloody tosser comes and interrupts you.

Such was my situation last night as I prepared my piece for Writing Rendezvous.

I will now place you there. As I described, I am really digging in, and presently, a boorish Australian badger barges into my den.

“What say you” I shout “for what purpose do you enter my abode?”

The clumsy creature approaches my desk and I rise to my feet, standing my ground.

“What say you” I repeat “under what authority do you claim entry to this private space?”

“I am here to assist you with the writing of your piece” says the badger “and I come bearing tea and a biscuit tin.”

“Bosh!” I hear myself remark.

[As I write this now, it does not escape my attention that in a round-about way, this scoundrel of a badger has assisted with my piece this week by giving me something to criticize. This irony, now noted, is hence rendered impotent lest any of my sharp-witted readership try to give me grief about it]

The detestable creature from Down Under is now leaning over my desk, glancing transparently at my draft.

This wretched badger is not the first creature to fancy himself an interlocutor in my most private of thoughts, but I decide that he will be the last.

As he opens his mouth to comment, I draw a revolver from my waistband and fire a single shot, delivering the badger to my carpeted floor.

As any civilized fellow would, I dispose of the carcass and have at the biscuits and tea.

The following day, I received a parcel with the word “bomb” written clumsily on one surface. It was accompanied by a note which read as follows:

You fuckwit partrage [sic]. U R a Dead BIRD!

I marked the parcel ‘return to sender’, and read the obituary several days later.

Introducing RL Champion Performance Nutrition. The Dream Is Now™

Are you sick of going to Mexico to sell your body as a male prostitute just to pay for your roids? Wouldn't it be great if you could get ripped like Jay Cutler or take it up a notch like Barry Bonds, all without risking failed drug tests and adverse side effects like testicular shrinkage, acne, and "roids rage"? Until now, this was just a pipe dream. Now tomorrow is here, today. Introducing RL Champion Performance Nutrition. The most POTENT formulas in the world have arrived. Prepare yourself for RL Champion Performance Nutrition. The Dream Is Now™

Ultimate Oil

You've probably heard of Flax Oil and Fish Oil. I wont deny it, they have Omega-3s in them. Pretty impressive, right? I'm not impressed. What if I told you there was an oil with Omega-50s, would you still be impressed by Omega-3? That's right, that's what I'm talking about. You wont find Omega-50s in Flax Oil or Fish Oil. There's only ONE oil in the world that can deliver such a high level of Potency for Ultimate Performance. For years, THEY DIDN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT IT. Now, RL Champion Performance Nutrition is finally blowing the lid on a product so powerful, it can only be called revolutionary. RL Champion Performance Nutrition proudly presents PEOPLE OIL* You're not a fish so why would you settle for fish oil? RL Champion Performance Nutrition PEOPLE OIL, the world's most POTENT oil with Omega-50.

*Don't let the name fool you, no harm is done to any people to extract this special fluid. RL Champion Nutrition uses a proprietary technique to extract this fluid that is completely safe and harmless. Every batch then goes through a patented multistep process to ensure ultimate purity for ultimate potency and performance. Flax Oil can go rancid and Fish Oil can contain dangerous heavy metals like lead and mercury. PEOPLE OIL can be stored at room temperature for up to five years and like all RL Champion Performance Nutrition products it is guaranteed to be 110% pure.

Ultimate C

We've all heard of Vitamin C. Pretty basic, right? Well you haven't done C until you've tried RL Champion Performance Nutrition Perfor-manC. Perfor-manC is 35,000,000,000 times more potent than regular Vitamin C. In clinical trials, just one capsule of Perfor-manC was enough to kill a mouse. If Perfor-manC can kill a mouse, just think how powerful it will be against bacteria and viruses. With Perfor-manC, you might just never get sick again.

Ultimate Antioxidant

Alpha Lipoic Acid has gotten a lot of attention lately as the versatile antioxidant which is both water and fat soluble. As an added bonus it even recycles other antioxidants such as C, E and CoQ10. Now, RL Champion Performance Nutrition has taken Alpha Lipoic Acid up a notch. Introducing Alpha Lipoic Acid 2. In addition to its predecessor's fat and water soluble properties, Alpha Lipoic Acid 2 is also air-soluble. Because it can cross the blood-brain barrier, this sup is the perfect choice for all of those blondes out there. Once Alpha Lipoic Acid 2 enters the vacuum in the cranial cavity, it bonds with air molecules and can improve cognitive performance. Alpha Lipoic Acid 2 might not make you Shakespeare, but it is the most POTENT antioxidant on the market today.

Ultimate Sports

The other guys try to sell their garbage products with flashy images of Matt Hughes or Chuck Liddell. It's pure marketing. I don't think NOXCG3 helped Rich Franklin when he was getting his nose rearranged by Anderson Silva. RL Champion Performance Nutrition doesn't spend money on marketing, we spend money on Ultimate Research and Development and Ultimate Manufacturing to insure that you, the consumer, get the most POTENT supplements available at the fairest price. While the other guys were busy paying models to promote their junk products, we were quietly developing a revolutionary new matrix that is going change the industry, forever. Introducing RL Champion Performance Nutrition UltraNano NO5XEGCG3000. This stack isn't an evolution of the NO concept, it represents an entirely new supplement class. Using nano technology, we were able to take our carbon up a notch to create a truly next generation free carbon hydro-nitro-turbo-max ion-exchange system. What this means for you is 10,000,000 times more PERFORMANCE than the old stuff. Your pumps will EXPLODE when you go on UltraNano NO5XEGCG3000. Comes in Strawberry, Dutch Chocolate, and Banana.

RL Champion Bars

Lets face it, some guys don't have time to eat. That's why I created RL Champion Bars. If you tried to survive on the those other bars, you'd probably have to take in 15-20 a day just to meet your basic nutrition needs. That's why I created a single bar to get you through the whole day. RL Champion Bars. The Dream Is Now™

Nutritional Information:
Serving Size: 1 Bar
Calories: 6000
Protein: 500 g (Including 120 g BCAA + 75 g l-glutamine)
Total fat: 100 g
Saturated fat: 80 g
Trans fat: 0 g
Cholesterol: 20 g
Sodium: 8000 mg
Total Carbohydrates: 300 g
Sugar: 295 g
Fiber: 0 g

Ingredients: Evaporated cane juice, dutched cocoa (sugar, cocoa butter, chocolate liquor, guar gum, sodium sorbate) ultimate whey protein isolate blend, whey protein concentrate, crisped soy, casein extract, vanillin, blood, sweat, tears. Contains less than 2%: people oil, sodium, artificial flavor, aspartame, proprietary hGH precursor blend, UltraNano NO5XEGCG3000, shards of broken glass to micro-abrade gum tissue for increased absorption and performance, milk solids, sodium benzoate (to preserve freshness).

We've all heard of Vitamin A and Vitamin C. Never heard of Vitamin F before? How about Vitamin L? No? That's ok, they didn't exist... UNTIL NOW. RL Champion Performance Nutrition is proud to present Vitamins F-M plus three new B's. The missing vitamins are finally here, EXCLUSIVELY HERE. The Dream Is Now™

Vitamin B-10
Vitamin B-10 is one of the essential B Vitamins THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT. Let's face it, if you discovered something this powerful, why would you share it? The fact is, the scientists who first discovered B-10 in the late 1980's kept it all to themselves. That's why you've never heard of B-10 before now. While you nancy boys have been wallowing away in self-pity, those scientists have been living like kings in Europe, all thanks to the power of B-10. Wouldn't you love to have access to the same wonder-vitamin that gave those scientists a lifestyle most guys can only dream about? Thanks to our aggressive R&D program, RL Champion Performance Nutrition has made a major breakthrough and rediscovered B-10. Unlike those other guys, I decided to share it with the world. For the first time ever, Vitamin B-10 is for sale to the public. Prepare yourself. The world will never be the same. The Dream is Now™

Vitamin B-11
B-11 is B-10's cousin. They work together like a fireman holding his partner's ladder. If you want to boost the performance of B-10, combine it with B-11 for beyond ultimate results and beyond ultimate performance. B-11 takes all of the old-fashioned B vitamins up a notch too.

Vitamin B-20
B-20 is the undisputed heavyweight champion of B vitamins. I wasn't going to release this bad boy because I thought it would be too potent for most guys to handle. Double the potency of Vitamin B-10, Vitamin B-20 is the most potent B Vitamin in the world, bar none. After careful consideration, I decided to make this one available after all. You're going to thank me, no doubt. You're going to thank me for this one.

Vitamin F
A landmark study conducted at the RL Champion Institute of Applied Sciences isolated Vitamin F for the first time which lead to another amazing discovery. It was shown that over 98% of the nutritional value in fruit actually comes from Vitamin F. All this time you've been wasting your time and money on those other vitamins, thinking they will give you the nutrition of fruit. In reality you have only been getting 2%. Everyone knows that it's healthy to eat a lot of fruit, but lets face it, most guys just don't get around to it. With the discovery of Vitamin F, you can have 98% of the nutrition of fruit in an easy and convenient form. RL Champion Performance Nutrition is very proud to offer the world's first Vitamin F supplement. The Dream Is Now™

Anti-Vitamin G
Vitamin G is for girls. We don't manufacture Vitamin G. Instead, we manufacture a Vitamin G antagonist that blocks Vitamin G from functioning in the body. This exclusive Anti-Vitamin G formula is extremely effective in reducing weakness, Gynecomastia (man tits), mood swings, and impulse shoe shopping. All nancy boys should be on an aggressive Anti-Vitamin G program.

Vitamin H
A lot of guys have under-developed hamstrings. This condition is a direct result of Vitamin H deficiency. Take your hamstring curls up a notch and increase your sprinting speed with Vitamin H.

Vitamin I
Vitamin I prevents all kinds of injuries, from basic back injuries to severe motorcycle injuries. Vitamin I supports blood clotting and tissue regeneration for a new you. For a lot of guys, Vitamin I is the only shot they have at getting back on top. Don't wait. Get your Vitamin I today before it sells out.

Vitamin J
Vitamin J is positioned to become one of the best-selling supplements of all time. We are in the final stages of development and it should be available beginning late summer. Please check back frequently for updates.

Vitamin L
Vitamin L. Think LIFE. This may be the most important vitamin ever discovered. Lets face it, for most guys everlasting life is just a pipe dream. Most guys live for a while and then they die. Vitamin L changes all of that. Take Vitamin L and you will live forever.

Vitamin M
Think MAX. This vitamin is the MAX. MAXimum performance. MAXimum potency. MAXimum results. MAXimum satisfaction. Go with the MAX. Vitamin M. MAX it out.

A note about standards:
The other guys sell junk products that are usualy
USP (United States Pharmacopia), EP (European Pharmaceutical) or JP (Japanese Pharmaceutical) Grade. These low standards just don't stack up. So I created a new standard. Introducing RLCP (Rex Larry Champion Pharmacopia) Grade: minimum 110% purity. All products sold by RL Champion Performance Nurtition are guaranteed to meet or exceed the new RLCP standard. Don't settle for less. The Dream Is Now™