Thursday, March 15, 2007

From the Files of U.S. Intelligence

The recent confessions of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed (the criminal mastermind behind the attacks of September 11, the murder of Daniel Pearl, and a string of liquor store robberies on El Camino Real) indicate the true gravity of the threat posed by modern terrorists. To get a sense of the true horror we are facing, one must consider the primary sources: The official Pentagon records of the Mohammed interrogation, which are excerpted below:

Day 1:

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed arrives in Guantanomo accompanied by Osama Bin Laden's driver, bodyguard, and shiatsu masseuse. The bodyguard immediately requests a lawyer, preferably one that he does not recognize from late night television ads. The Army interrogator refuses and threatens to unleash the masseuse on the bodyguard. The bodyguard immediately reveals that Ayman Al-Zawahiri is in hiding, having spent the past few months in Pakistan, Afghanistan, and playing goalie for the New York Islanders. The Army, realizing that the Islanders have won 4 of their last 5, decides not to pursue the lead.

Day 2:
The interrogation of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed begins, only to be interrupted when the authorities realize that they have mistakenly brought Ron Jeremy into custody. Mohammed is discovered in a Van Nuys hotel room handcuffed with a ball gag, greatly simplifying matters. Mohammed is immediately flown to Guantanamo, but only after the Pentagon confiscates some videos found in the hotel room as evidence.

Day 7:
Mohammed is finally interrogated after four days in solitary confinement. The interrogator attempts to begin questioning only to find that Mohammed's mental state has deteriorated to a point where he expresses himself by reciting series of prime numbers.

Day 10:
Mohammed complains to prison officials that he has been tortured in violation of the Geneva Conventions. Officials insist that stocking his cell with live flesh eating beetles is in fact a lifesaving medical procedure, and that he should enjoy it while he still has health coverage.

Day 15:
Finally broken, Mohammed tearfully admits to planning an assortment of vile crimes, including a planned assassination of the Pope and conspiracy to violate blue laws in Bergen County, New Jersey. Interrogators attempt to attribute the screenplay for Gigli to him as well, but Mohammed balks. Eventually he pleads guilty to acting as the best boy grip on the set of Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever and transporting a pomelo across state lines for immoral purposes.

The world is clearly safer without men such as Mohammed running through our streets (or through the dirt-paved roads of Islamist madrasas in Pakistan). But the western world must remain vigilant. Already there have been rumors that terrorists plan to attack major American landmarks. Some even believe that they are plotting to raise bridge tolls and postal stamp prices within 3 weeks. If history has taught us anything, it is that the terrorists will stop at nothing, and they only have to be right once, or at least 2/5 of the time.