Sunday, October 28, 2007

Vitamin J: The Wait Is Over

Ever dreamed you could be Jigantic? Jinourmous? Jimongous? 

Stop Dreaming

The Dream Is A Reality


RL Champion Performance Nutrition Is Proud To Present:
Vitamin J

Those other growth agents might give you modest gains, but there is nothing modest about the RESULTS you will achieve with Vitamin J.

Vitamin J is guaranteed to DOUBLE YOUR SIZE, or double your money back, guaranteed.

*To Scale

Dear Iowa,

They don't love you, you're being used.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Introducing Man Spray

Tired of dropping ice cubes down your shorts to cool your male itch? Sick of trying to figure out whether you can use an athlete's foot spray "down there"? Given up on those other creams and lotions?

Look no further. Your solution is finally here.

The fact is, there's a simple truth the other guys don't want you to know about: You don't have to live with male itch.

Introducing RL Champion Man Spray.
Be cool, put out the fire with RL Champion Man Spray.

For a limited time, get one (1) RL Champion Man Spray FREE with the purchase of any RL Champion Performance Nutrition product.

The Dream Is Now™

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Zombie Update

Status: Confirmed

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Daily Inspiration By Rex Larry Champion

Nothing is more rewarding than watching puny nancy boys get RESULTS. It's my passion. My life's work. These are classics and always an inspiration. Enjoy.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Breaking News: Patrick Kennedy Found Sober

File Photo

(Washington DC) Speaking on the condition of anonymity, staffers working for Representative Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) informed Writing Rendezvous that Kennedy was spotted sober today. Staffers initially became suspicious after the distinguished congressman was seen walking in a straight line. After a series of meetings in which he failed to slur his words, they knew something was amiss. The smoking gun came directly after Kennedy cast a vote for Barney Frank’s amendment on H.R.3074: to the amazement of everyone present (and three or four elderly people watching c-span), Kennedy stayed on the floor rather than making his usual beeline to the men’s to take a swig from his boot flask.

“I couldn’t believe it. Patrick Kennedy was dry as a bone” one staffer relayed “At first some of us speculated that maybe he had a weird schedule, like he’d been partying all night and hadn’t been to bed yet. You know, like he was just waiting a few hours to start drinking again. But then we realized, it’s not like him to show up to work the day after hard partying. His breath didn’t even smell like liquor. To be honest, we were tempted to call the Secret Service because it almost seemed like he was an impostor. We heard that he was drenched in the sauce even when he was in rehab a few months ago. Patrick Kennedy without his hooch is like a fish out of water, we’re all very worried about him.”

This isn’t the first time a Kennedy has been found sober. One afternoon in 1971, Patrick’s father, Edward Kennedy was rumored to have been sober.


So A Rabbi And A Preist Go To The Dog Track

The Priest offers to buy the Rabbi a hot dog and the Rabbi looking surprised says "you know I can't eat that treif!" The Priest having anticipated this objection quickly shoots back "it's ok, they serve Hebrew Nationals here." The Rabbi appears satisfied with this response so he shrugs and says "sure, would you like me to buy you a hotdog Father?" The Priest looks down at his shoes and says "I must decline. Don't you know how much the eating of wieners has cost our diocese already?"

Friday, July 20, 2007

Ask Sasquatch

Q: You recently challenged four-time World’s Strongest Man winner Magnus Ver Magnuson to an arm wrestling match to raise awareness for the genocide in Darfur. Do you have any updates for us, what is going on with that?

A: I spoke with a representative from Magnus Ver Magnuson’s camp this morning and regrettably he has declined my offer. I’ve been brainstorming for months, trying to figure out how to best raise awareness for this important humanitarian issue, but it’s hard for an unstoppable powerhouse such as myself to find challengers. Before approaching Magnus, I had challenged Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut to a hot dog eating contest, but they declined as well.

Q: That’s a shame. Do you have any other ideas?

A: I have a tentative agreement to be Tucker Carlson’s dance partner for the new season of Dancing With The Stars, but that may pose problematic because Tucker is a heartless isolationist and I don’t want him to deflect the impact of my message.

Q: Sasquatch, when did you first become interested in humanitarian causes?

A: Existing in the world as a large ape-man, I have long known the sting of discrimination and persecution. It’s quite natural for me to side with the underdog. As long as there is injustice I will be angry. As long as there is war and famine and strife I will be there, fighting the good fight in whatever capacity I can.

Q: Do you have any heroes?

A: Edward R. Murrow gave me the courage to speak truth to power. Nelson Mandela taught me the value of perseverance and sacrifice (as well as the importance of committing acts of sabotage against infrastructure as a means of draining your enemy’s piggy bank). Ted Nugent for illuminating the superiority of venison and buffalo meat. Frank Sinatra for providing a soundtrack to my life. Jon Stewart for lowering the bar for comedy which in turn enabled me to get my first big break in show-biz.

Q: David Hasselhoff is conspicuously missing from your list.

A: Oh Yes, what was I thinking. Hassehoff is hero to all, a God among men.

Q: I wish this was an audio interview so that everyone could hear the biting tenor of your sarcasm. Sasquatch, do you ever watch television?

A: No, I have better things to do. Television is for those whom my associate Harry The Partridge would call ‘unlettered knob gobblers’.

Q: I heard you were approached with an offer to co-produce Woody Allen’s upcoming opera. Any truth to that rumor?

A: If I told you, I’d have to kill you.

Q: Sasquatch, what do you think of all the 9/11 conspiracy theories floating around the internets?

A: Well, I must say, I’m ambivalent about the conspiracy crowd. On one hand, they’re one of the few groups that actually recognizes my existence (which I find quite flattering), on the other hand, they believe in a lot of nonsense like UFOs and the like. So as to the 9/11 conspiracy theories, I’m still somewhat on the fence. I find it hard to believe the government would have the competence to pull off such a feat. What I will say is that I’m certain WTC 7 was a controlled demolition. Does this mean that the US Government planned 9/11? Of course not. Tim Osman is surely to blame. Look, if the government had a brain, they would send ME out into those ungoverned areas in Pakistan to hunt down Bin Laden. A Sasquatch would be far more effective in that inhospitable region than special ops.

Q: I’m sensing some real frustration, Sasquatch.

A: It’s hard to be me. I can do it all, but nobody trusts me. If the government could get over it’s prejudices or at minimum extend something like the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy to Sasquatches or Yetis, we would have captured Bin Laden a long time ago.

Q: Who do you like for 2008?

A: Joe Biden. You know he’s half-sasquatch, right?

Q: What’s the other half?

A: You’re a funny man.

Q: You’re rumored to be a connoisseur of fine cigars. Are you alarmed by the proposal to levy a $10/per stogie federal tax (a whopping increase over the current 5¢ tax) to partially pay for a children’s health insurance initiative which congress should have funded with money that was instead squandered on Iraq?

A: It does make a certain kind of logic. Who are these sick kids anyway? I imagine many of them are life-long cigar smokers. Who better to pay the tab than those cigar-smoking sick kids.

Q: Sasquatch, what do you think about Sean “The Muscle Shark” Sherk’s recent positive test for steroids.

A: It makes Baby Jesus cry.

Q: Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?

A: You’re looking at him baby, you’re looking at him. Wait. Ask me again.

Q: What?

A: Ask me again.

Q: Uh, who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?

A: Bill Clinton.

Q: Ok Sasquatch, I can dig it, and I know that you knew that I would. Let’s move along now. George W. Bush is scheduled to undergo a colonoscopy tomorrow and Dick Cheney will be temporarily left in charge. Scared?

A: Sounds like good news to me. Maybe they’ll find George Bush’s head.

News Flash: George W. Bush To Undergo Colonoscopy Tomorrow

"Maybe they'll find George Bush's head" - Sasquatch

Sunday, July 15, 2007

My Rivals Are Unlettered Knob Gobblers By Harry The Partridge

Have you ever been practicing your craft and everything was flowing and coming together in the most splendid of ways. You were in the zone. That peak alpha state that each of us would occupy forever were it not fleeting by it’s very nature. Have you ever been so engrossed, eating and drinking suddenly find themselves burdensome un-necessities. Indeed, breathing itself becomes scant necessity, for in the throws of your passion (if you were to take notice) you would notice yourself holding your breath. Each second is as long as you need it to be and each proceeding one blends with the previous in the most seamless manner. The distance between your consciousness and your medium has shriveled to nothing. There is nothing in this space but creativity and creation.

And then some bloody tosser comes and interrupts you.

Such was my situation last night as I prepared my piece for Writing Rendezvous.

I will now place you there. As I described, I am really digging in, and presently, a boorish Australian badger barges into my den.

“What say you” I shout “for what purpose do you enter my abode?”

The clumsy creature approaches my desk and I rise to my feet, standing my ground.

“What say you” I repeat “under what authority do you claim entry to this private space?”

“I am here to assist you with the writing of your piece” says the badger “and I come bearing tea and a biscuit tin.”

“Bosh!” I hear myself remark.

[As I write this now, it does not escape my attention that in a round-about way, this scoundrel of a badger has assisted with my piece this week by giving me something to criticize. This irony, now noted, is hence rendered impotent lest any of my sharp-witted readership try to give me grief about it]

The detestable creature from Down Under is now leaning over my desk, glancing transparently at my draft.

This wretched badger is not the first creature to fancy himself an interlocutor in my most private of thoughts, but I decide that he will be the last.

As he opens his mouth to comment, I draw a revolver from my waistband and fire a single shot, delivering the badger to my carpeted floor.

As any civilized fellow would, I dispose of the carcass and have at the biscuits and tea.

The following day, I received a parcel with the word “bomb” written clumsily on one surface. It was accompanied by a note which read as follows:

You fuckwit partrage [sic]. U R a Dead BIRD!

I marked the parcel ‘return to sender’, and read the obituary several days later.

Introducing RL Champion Performance Nutrition. The Dream Is Now™

Are you sick of going to Mexico to sell your body as a male prostitute just to pay for your roids? Wouldn't it be great if you could get ripped like Jay Cutler or take it up a notch like Barry Bonds, all without risking failed drug tests and adverse side effects like testicular shrinkage, acne, and "roids rage"? Until now, this was just a pipe dream. Now tomorrow is here, today. Introducing RL Champion Performance Nutrition. The most POTENT formulas in the world have arrived. Prepare yourself for RL Champion Performance Nutrition. The Dream Is Now™

Ultimate Oil

You've probably heard of Flax Oil and Fish Oil. I wont deny it, they have Omega-3s in them. Pretty impressive, right? I'm not impressed. What if I told you there was an oil with Omega-50s, would you still be impressed by Omega-3? That's right, that's what I'm talking about. You wont find Omega-50s in Flax Oil or Fish Oil. There's only ONE oil in the world that can deliver such a high level of Potency for Ultimate Performance. For years, THEY DIDN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT IT. Now, RL Champion Performance Nutrition is finally blowing the lid on a product so powerful, it can only be called revolutionary. RL Champion Performance Nutrition proudly presents PEOPLE OIL* You're not a fish so why would you settle for fish oil? RL Champion Performance Nutrition PEOPLE OIL, the world's most POTENT oil with Omega-50.

*Don't let the name fool you, no harm is done to any people to extract this special fluid. RL Champion Nutrition uses a proprietary technique to extract this fluid that is completely safe and harmless. Every batch then goes through a patented multistep process to ensure ultimate purity for ultimate potency and performance. Flax Oil can go rancid and Fish Oil can contain dangerous heavy metals like lead and mercury. PEOPLE OIL can be stored at room temperature for up to five years and like all RL Champion Performance Nutrition products it is guaranteed to be 110% pure.

Ultimate C

We've all heard of Vitamin C. Pretty basic, right? Well you haven't done C until you've tried RL Champion Performance Nutrition Perfor-manC. Perfor-manC is 35,000,000,000 times more potent than regular Vitamin C. In clinical trials, just one capsule of Perfor-manC was enough to kill a mouse. If Perfor-manC can kill a mouse, just think how powerful it will be against bacteria and viruses. With Perfor-manC, you might just never get sick again.

Ultimate Antioxidant

Alpha Lipoic Acid has gotten a lot of attention lately as the versatile antioxidant which is both water and fat soluble. As an added bonus it even recycles other antioxidants such as C, E and CoQ10. Now, RL Champion Performance Nutrition has taken Alpha Lipoic Acid up a notch. Introducing Alpha Lipoic Acid 2. In addition to its predecessor's fat and water soluble properties, Alpha Lipoic Acid 2 is also air-soluble. Because it can cross the blood-brain barrier, this sup is the perfect choice for all of those blondes out there. Once Alpha Lipoic Acid 2 enters the vacuum in the cranial cavity, it bonds with air molecules and can improve cognitive performance. Alpha Lipoic Acid 2 might not make you Shakespeare, but it is the most POTENT antioxidant on the market today.

Ultimate Sports

The other guys try to sell their garbage products with flashy images of Matt Hughes or Chuck Liddell. It's pure marketing. I don't think NOXCG3 helped Rich Franklin when he was getting his nose rearranged by Anderson Silva. RL Champion Performance Nutrition doesn't spend money on marketing, we spend money on Ultimate Research and Development and Ultimate Manufacturing to insure that you, the consumer, get the most POTENT supplements available at the fairest price. While the other guys were busy paying models to promote their junk products, we were quietly developing a revolutionary new matrix that is going change the industry, forever. Introducing RL Champion Performance Nutrition UltraNano NO5XEGCG3000. This stack isn't an evolution of the NO concept, it represents an entirely new supplement class. Using nano technology, we were able to take our carbon up a notch to create a truly next generation free carbon hydro-nitro-turbo-max ion-exchange system. What this means for you is 10,000,000 times more PERFORMANCE than the old stuff. Your pumps will EXPLODE when you go on UltraNano NO5XEGCG3000. Comes in Strawberry, Dutch Chocolate, and Banana.

RL Champion Bars

Lets face it, some guys don't have time to eat. That's why I created RL Champion Bars. If you tried to survive on the those other bars, you'd probably have to take in 15-20 a day just to meet your basic nutrition needs. That's why I created a single bar to get you through the whole day. RL Champion Bars. The Dream Is Now™

Nutritional Information:
Serving Size: 1 Bar
Calories: 6000
Protein: 500 g (Including 120 g BCAA + 75 g l-glutamine)
Total fat: 100 g
Saturated fat: 80 g
Trans fat: 0 g
Cholesterol: 20 g
Sodium: 8000 mg
Total Carbohydrates: 300 g
Sugar: 295 g
Fiber: 0 g

Ingredients: Evaporated cane juice, dutched cocoa (sugar, cocoa butter, chocolate liquor, guar gum, sodium sorbate) ultimate whey protein isolate blend, whey protein concentrate, crisped soy, casein extract, vanillin, blood, sweat, tears. Contains less than 2%: people oil, sodium, artificial flavor, aspartame, proprietary hGH precursor blend, UltraNano NO5XEGCG3000, shards of broken glass to micro-abrade gum tissue for increased absorption and performance, milk solids, sodium benzoate (to preserve freshness).

We've all heard of Vitamin A and Vitamin C. Never heard of Vitamin F before? How about Vitamin L? No? That's ok, they didn't exist... UNTIL NOW. RL Champion Performance Nutrition is proud to present Vitamins F-M plus three new B's. The missing vitamins are finally here, EXCLUSIVELY HERE. The Dream Is Now™

Vitamin B-10
Vitamin B-10 is one of the essential B Vitamins THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT. Let's face it, if you discovered something this powerful, why would you share it? The fact is, the scientists who first discovered B-10 in the late 1980's kept it all to themselves. That's why you've never heard of B-10 before now. While you nancy boys have been wallowing away in self-pity, those scientists have been living like kings in Europe, all thanks to the power of B-10. Wouldn't you love to have access to the same wonder-vitamin that gave those scientists a lifestyle most guys can only dream about? Thanks to our aggressive R&D program, RL Champion Performance Nutrition has made a major breakthrough and rediscovered B-10. Unlike those other guys, I decided to share it with the world. For the first time ever, Vitamin B-10 is for sale to the public. Prepare yourself. The world will never be the same. The Dream is Now™

Vitamin B-11
B-11 is B-10's cousin. They work together like a fireman holding his partner's ladder. If you want to boost the performance of B-10, combine it with B-11 for beyond ultimate results and beyond ultimate performance. B-11 takes all of the old-fashioned B vitamins up a notch too.

Vitamin B-20
B-20 is the undisputed heavyweight champion of B vitamins. I wasn't going to release this bad boy because I thought it would be too potent for most guys to handle. Double the potency of Vitamin B-10, Vitamin B-20 is the most potent B Vitamin in the world, bar none. After careful consideration, I decided to make this one available after all. You're going to thank me, no doubt. You're going to thank me for this one.

Vitamin F
A landmark study conducted at the RL Champion Institute of Applied Sciences isolated Vitamin F for the first time which lead to another amazing discovery. It was shown that over 98% of the nutritional value in fruit actually comes from Vitamin F. All this time you've been wasting your time and money on those other vitamins, thinking they will give you the nutrition of fruit. In reality you have only been getting 2%. Everyone knows that it's healthy to eat a lot of fruit, but lets face it, most guys just don't get around to it. With the discovery of Vitamin F, you can have 98% of the nutrition of fruit in an easy and convenient form. RL Champion Performance Nutrition is very proud to offer the world's first Vitamin F supplement. The Dream Is Now™

Anti-Vitamin G
Vitamin G is for girls. We don't manufacture Vitamin G. Instead, we manufacture a Vitamin G antagonist that blocks Vitamin G from functioning in the body. This exclusive Anti-Vitamin G formula is extremely effective in reducing weakness, Gynecomastia (man tits), mood swings, and impulse shoe shopping. All nancy boys should be on an aggressive Anti-Vitamin G program.

Vitamin H
A lot of guys have under-developed hamstrings. This condition is a direct result of Vitamin H deficiency. Take your hamstring curls up a notch and increase your sprinting speed with Vitamin H.

Vitamin I
Vitamin I prevents all kinds of injuries, from basic back injuries to severe motorcycle injuries. Vitamin I supports blood clotting and tissue regeneration for a new you. For a lot of guys, Vitamin I is the only shot they have at getting back on top. Don't wait. Get your Vitamin I today before it sells out.

Vitamin J
Vitamin J is positioned to become one of the best-selling supplements of all time. We are in the final stages of development and it should be available beginning late summer. Please check back frequently for updates.

Vitamin L
Vitamin L. Think LIFE. This may be the most important vitamin ever discovered. Lets face it, for most guys everlasting life is just a pipe dream. Most guys live for a while and then they die. Vitamin L changes all of that. Take Vitamin L and you will live forever.

Vitamin M
Think MAX. This vitamin is the MAX. MAXimum performance. MAXimum potency. MAXimum results. MAXimum satisfaction. Go with the MAX. Vitamin M. MAX it out.

A note about standards:
The other guys sell junk products that are usualy
USP (United States Pharmacopia), EP (European Pharmaceutical) or JP (Japanese Pharmaceutical) Grade. These low standards just don't stack up. So I created a new standard. Introducing RLCP (Rex Larry Champion Pharmacopia) Grade: minimum 110% purity. All products sold by RL Champion Performance Nurtition are guaranteed to meet or exceed the new RLCP standard. Don't settle for less. The Dream Is Now™

Friday, June 1, 2007

One More Word

One more word guys. I got a sneak peak at Rex Larry Champion's big project. This is going to be big. When he says this is going to change everything forever, he really means it. I'm going to give my full endorsement after the official launch. Until then, keep your eyes open, you wont want to miss this. I wish I could say more but I'm sworn to secrecy. The dream is soon.

Javier Marcos Fantasitco's Guide To Bail Bonds

Hey guys.

I'm back.

I think I have some explaining to do.

I was going to fill in for Rex Larry Champion as you know, but I had some, umm, some, how can I say this, I had some, umm, unplanned events transpire.

Ok, I'll level with you.

I was in jail.

Before you say anything, it's not what you think.

I didn't do ANYTHING, ok?

Not everyone who goes to jail is guilty, right? It's the American way. The presumption of innocence, you know?

Hear me out.

I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

That's all.

Here's how it happened.

I was eating fish and chips, right? And they were really stingy with the tartar sauce, so I wanted some of that malt vinegar because the fish was hella dry. Well as it turns out, the bottle of vinegar on my table was empty, so I walked over to another table and politely asked if I could use the vinegar. I swear, the guy at that table was on PCP or some shit, because he was giving me beef all like "no, it's my vinegar, now do you want to make something of it, fuck off!" His eyes were all crazy like Bill O'Reilly or Charles Manson, it really freaked me out man. I don't want no beef with this guy, I just want some vinegar, right? So I just walk away without saying a word, just play it cool. I still have a lemon wedge on my plate so I think ok, fuck it, good enough, I don't need no malt vinegar.

Now you wont believe what happens next.

This crazy ugly dude, gets up and follows me over to my table. I thought he's going to give me the vinegar, but instead he takes the bottle and hits me over the head with it. I'm like fuck, he did not just do that! So I don't think right, I just punch him in the face, because its instinct, you know?

As it turns out, this guy is a cop. So he pulls a taser out of his pants and he shocks me and then he kicks me in the back of the head and cuffs me and tells me I'm under arrest for assaulting an officer.

Can you believe that shit?

I didn't know he's a an officer when I hit him, and it's self defense man!

So this pig drove me off to jail and they booked my ass.

I want to get the hell out of this piss soaked hell hole, so the first thing I do is find out about bail bonds.

I looked in the phone book and there were a dizzying array of options:

A1 Bail Bonds

AAA Bail Bonds

Ace Bail Bonds

Acme Bail Bonds

Aladdin Bail Bonds

Angry Gorilla Bail Bonds

Apex Bail Bonds

Bad Boys Bail Bonds

Barry Bail Bonds

Chau's Bail Bonds & Dim Sum

Tom and Peter P. McDonough Bail Bonds

I decided on Bad Boys because the logo looked bad-ass.

I called my grandma and told her to go over to Bad Boys and bail me out.

A few hours later, I was a free man, but I had to report directly to Bad Boys to fill out some more paper work.

I walked in and got a dirty look, like I'm a criminal or some shit. The floor was sticky like the adult video store. Some short bald man who looked like Danny Devito was sitting on a stool behind a kevlar window with iron bars on it. He slid some forms under the window and asked me if I can read. Shit, of course I can read, how else would I know I was at the bail bonds place if I can't read the sign out front. He all dumb and stuff. Anyway, the form was just the basics, asking for all my info and explaining how they send a bounty hunter after your ass if you don't show in court. After that, they finger printed me and that was that, I was out. Right as I walked out the door, an unmarked Crown Victoria pulled up next to me and a man with a mustache shouted out at me "Hey buddy, how are you doing there? I'm driving to Mexico tonight, do you need a lift?" I almost said yes but then I thought, maybe it's a sting. Looking back, the mustache kind of gave it away. I'm glad I took the bus home.

That was my crazy adventure.

The moral of the story: never eat fish and chips.

Losers Cut Corners By Rex Larry Champion

I was thinking about it. What makes winners and losers? Are we really cut from a different cloth? Can losers ever become winners?

Lets face it, part of my job is helping losers, but sometimes its hard for me because I'm a winner. You see, sometimes I can't understand losers. I'm so successful, I don't know how to fail. I've been at the top of my game for so long, I don't remember how to lose.

That's how this all got started.

I discovered that if I want to help everyone be a winner, first I need to understand losers.

So I set out and decided to really study losers, see what makes them tick, see what makes them fail.

Only then can I help them to become winners.

The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ was designed for average guys looking to take it up a notch. It's still the best system in the world and I stand by it.

But as time passed I discovered that some guys are below average. I call these guys losers. Most of them wouldn't try The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ in the first place. If they did try it, I have to admit, it might not help them. Like I said, The System is designed for average guys. Losers have too many obstacles in the way for them to fully experience the ultimate potency for ultimate performance and satisfaction that comes from working The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™

That's what this is all about.

This article is designed to get losers up to speed so they can achieve the maximum results regular guys have been getting on The System since the beginning.

Here it is guys.

1.) Losers cut corners. I live 4 blocks from the grocery store, but when I shop, I park 9 blocks away so I get in an extra walk. Losers do everything they can to cut corners. Losers intentionally position their couch and TV close to the door so they wont have to move as far to let the Domino's guy in.

2.) Losers make excuses. "I don't want to buy the system, it's too expensive", "what if it doesn't work?", "it looks too hard", "I'll never be a success like RL Champion, why should I bother?"

3.) Losers watch life, Winners live it. Losers watch Joe Millionaire, I am a millionaire. Losers look at sports cars in magazines, I drive them. Losers look in the window of the gym and feel pangs of guilt as they walk passed into Arby's, I have the body everyone wants and I own that gym.

4.) Losers Cry. Pathetic.

5.) Losers associate with losers. If you throw an ice cube into a bucket of ice it wont melt as fast as if you throw it into boiling water. Losers insulate themselves with other losers so they don't notice the truth about themselves. They avoid winners at all costs. Truth hurts. Losers will never change until they look into an accurate mirror.

6.) Losers buy groceries at the liquor store or 7-11. You can't be your best you if you eat a Slim Jim, a moldy tuna salad sandwich under a heat lamp, and a Mike's Hard Lemonade for lunch.

7.) Losers take no for an answer. You can always tell a loser by the words "ok", or "I guess" when faced with rejection.

8.) Losers don't like sports. In sports there is always a winner and a loser. Losers hate seeing winners so much, they avoid it all costs. Losers hate sports because they know they will have to see a winner. In their world, there are no winners and losers, they fool themselves into thinking that they aren't playing the game. In reality, everyone is playing the game, and losers are losing the game.

9.) Losers pretend to like things to impress people. Losers care a lot about what other people think about them. They have nothing to stand on so they need to put on a big show to be liked. This often involves pretending to like things like wine or art or dog breeding. Winners love what they love and hate what they hate, they never pretend. Nobody is impressed by a loser pretending to like things. Everyone is impressed by a winner firm in his convictions.

10.) Losers read too many books. Books never made anyone a winner. What do most guys do after they read a book? That's right, they read another book. It's a vicious cycle (see #3: losers watch life, winners live it). Every winner could write a great book, but probably wont because he's too busy living life. Losers could never write a book, but most of them think they can.

Attention all losers:

Stop Cutting Corners

Stop Making Excuses, Buy The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™

Stop Watching Life, Start Living It

Don't Cry

Stop Hanging Out With Losers, Start Hanging Out With Winners

Go To A Real Grocery Store Like Ralphs or Vons

Don't Take No For An Answer, If The Bank Rejects Your Loan Application, Buy The Bank And Then Approve Your Own Loan

Grow A Pair, Watch Football and MMA

Get A Real Hobby, Save That Hoity Toity Stuff For Old Ladies

Lose The Library Card, Books Might Make You Smart But They'll Never Make You A Winner

Note: The big announcement is right around the corner. Stay posted guys. The graphic designer responsible for the packaging had some setbacks, but everything else is ready to go. It should only be a matter of days now. The dream is soon.


Wednesday, May 30, 2007

A Note From Rex Larry Champion

My loyal readership has been asking about me.

I know, it's been a while, but I hope all of you nancy boys are sticking with the program.

I trusted Javier Marcos Fantastico to do a better job filling in for me, but as it turns out, he had a run-in with the law so he couldn't contribute.

Anyway, here's the update guys:

The nutrition conference went great.

I'm at the top of my game and things just keep on getting better.

I've been working feverishly on a project so big, it's going to change everything, forever.

Stay tuned for a big announcement.

You wont want to miss this one.

The Dream Is Soon

I'd say more, but that would kill the suspense.

RL Champion

Apes Communicating With Humans?

Researchers at The Great Ape Trust in Des Moines, Iowa are showing off a technology which they claim demonstrates that Apes can be taught to understand English. Researcher Bill Fields showed Abc World News one of his star pupils communicating with him using a special touch screen containing 350 symbols which depict objects or correspond to thoughts. Click here for the complete story.

So, apes communicating with humans.
What do you think?

"A talking Ape? Fancy that." - Sasquatch

"I smell operant conditioning. This ridiculous spectacle demonstrates that apes are capable of semantic understanding about as much as a tiger jumping through a ring of fire demonstrates that Siegfried and Roy are heterosexual. Exactly. " - Harry The Partidge

"This is an abomination. Humans and apes shouldn't talk to eachother. It's against God's plan. Talking with apes forms a slippery slope at the bottom of which lies bestiality. As long as liberals try to spread their poison and deny that the Bible is God's Word, we will continue to suffer God's wrath in the form of hurricanes, terror attacks, AIDS, and Rap music. Repent and accept Jesus Christ into your heart before it's too late. Eternal damnation is real and every liberal is going to burn for eternity. Liberals, Atheists, Fornicators, Drunkards, Queers, Jews, Adulterers, Scientists, Gamblers, Muslims, Masturbators, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, Teletubbies, The United Nations, Pimps, Drug Users, Perverts, People for the American Way, The ACLU, Quakers, Bakers, Candle Stick Makers, Nick Knack Paddy Whack Give A Dog a Bone, Abortionists, Unitarians, Pornographers, Rappers, Child Molesters, People Who Talk To Apes, YOU ARE ALL GOING TO HELL " -Frank Erp, Street Corner Evangelist

"Finally, I can ask for a cancer stick when I need one." - Fred, Chimpanzee Participant In The Study

"This is truly a pioneering achievement in natural history. Now if only scientists could find a way to keep George Michael sober." - Tony Blair, British Prime Minister

"Big deal. I could talk since I was 3 years old. I'm not impressed." - Rex Larry Champion

"A few years ago this might have spelled trouble, but today most of the monkey meat we smuggle into Southern China is actually zebra meat. I don't see zebras talking any time soon, hahaha."- Babalu Baraka, Large Game Poacher

"Looks like someone is trying to steal my bit. I'll see those fuckers in court" Jane Goodall, Chimp Lady

"Kevin Randleman uses the same system to 'talk' to his trainers, they have a little computer screen and he points to the icon with the syringe." - Donny, troll

"We've long known that chimpanzees possess at least rudimentary language abilities. The greater apes still have a way to go, but we should not discriminate against them in higher education. We think there's a faster way to chimps writing Hamlet than all of those typewriters and all of those years, and that way is through education. The future looks very bright for gorillas, chimpanzees, bonobos, and orangutans at Yale. Please note however that we can not accommodate lesser apes at this time. We ask that lesser apes such as gibbons and siamangs consider applying to Harvard." - Ralph Cunningham, Yale Admissions Officer, Let In George W Bush

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

UFC 71 Preview

Over the past four years, only Fedor Emelianenko has been a more dominant fighter than Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell. Beginning with his KO victory over Tito Ortiz at UFC 47, Liddell has reeled off 7 straight victories, including 4 title defenses, at a time when the UFC's welterweight, middleweight, and heavyweight chamiponships have all changed hands at least once. He has avenged two of his three career losses (to Randy Couture and Jeremy Horn), with Quinton "Rampage" Jackson being the last of the three. On Saturday, the two will meet for the second time in a light heavyweight championship bout. Also on the card is welterweight contender Karo Parisyan, who will face Josh Burkman, the season 2 winner of the Ultimate Fighter. Analysis and predictions follow:

Main Card

Chris "The Crippler" Leben vs. Kalib Starnes

Leben is a hard puncher who made his bones feasting on B-level UFC talent on The Ultimate Fighter and six UFC Fight Night promotions. The only thing more unorthodox than his boxing stance is his ridiculous haircut, which most recently resembled the angst-ridden mohawk punks who hung out in front of Tower Records in the 80's. Leben's results against top-shelf competition have been decidedly mixed. He was savagely KO'd by Anderson Silva, who then proceeded to give then-middlweight champion Rich Franklin the same treatment. After knocking out Jorge Santiago on his sixth UFC Fight Night card, he was beautifully submitted by the uncreatively nicknamed Canadian jiu-jitsu fighter Jason "The Athlete" MacDonald. In Kalib Starnes, Leben will be facing another Canadian jiu-jitsu expert who won The Ultimate Fighter competition in season 3. Starnes defeated MacDonald in 2005, but is coming off a difficult loss to the tough Yushin Okami. Look for Leben to provoke Starnes into trading haymakers and attempt to take an early KO. If Starnes can take Leben to the mat, he will almost certainly try to work some submissions a la MacDonald. Barring a fortuitous punch, look for Starnes to take this via submission in the second round.

Keith "The Dean of Mean" Jardine vs. Houston Alexander

Jardine surprised everyone with his quick KO of the normally rock-chinned Forest Griffin. Griffin, visibly shaken by his defeat, was thought by many to be on the fast track to a title shot at Chuck Liddell. Jardine has a wealth of experience battling with the lower end of the top UFC light heavyweights, including Griffin, Stephan Bonnar, and Rashad Evans. Houston Alexander, by contrast, will be making his debut in the UFC. Though Houston may pose an unexpected threat to Jardine simply because he's a largely unknown quantity, the safe money is on a KO by Jardine, who will subsequently pushed into the glut of UFC light heavyweights scrambling for position beneath Chuck Liddell. Jardine by KO in the second round.

Terry Martin vs. Ivan Salaverry

Salaverry is an MMA veteran with experience in the UFC, K-1, and Shooto. Salaverry's losses have been to notables like Nathan Marquardt, Matt Lindland, and Akihiro Gono. Martin, however, is best known for having been spectacularly knocked out by a flying flying knee from James Irvin nine seconds into the second round. Martin is a striker and will almost certainly attempt to turn the match into a standing war of attrition. These two journeyman fighters are well-matched, but not particularly exciting. I predict a win for Salaverry by submission in the third round.

Karo "The Heat" Parisyan vs. Josh Burkman

Karo Parisyan is the answer to those who claim Hidehiko Yoshida as proof that judo skills do not translate well into MMA. An energetic, exciting fighter, Parisyan has often used his judo skills to great effect in securing takedowns and grappling on the mat. Parisyan has beaten tough fighters like Matt Serra, Chris Lytle, and Nick Diaz, while his only losses have been to top-shelf talent like Diego Sanchez, Sean Sherk, and Georges St. Pierre. Despite his frenetic style, Parisyan's fights often go the distance, and my expectation for this fight is the same. Though Burkman is substantially less battle-tested than Parisyan, Karo might not have the knockout power to finish this fight early. However, you can be assured that he will battle to the end, as the consecutive dethronings of Matt Hughes and St. Pierre have left the welterweight division wide open. Parisyan will need to win this fight if he wants to elevate himself to position himself for a serious run at the championship, as he is already at risk of being left behind by Sanchez and Josh Koshcheck, whose victory over Sanchez has reportedly earned him a shot at Georges St. Pierre for the number one contender status. Parisyan by unanimous decision.

Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell vs. Quinton "Rampage" Jackson

It has been over three years since 'Page thoroughly manhandled Chuck Liddell at PRIDE Final Conflict 2003. Rampage has described his style as a "whoop your ass" style, which is about as appropriate as any other term. Unlike Liddell, who uses his wrestling skills to defend against takedowns and extricate himself from the clinch, Rampage prefers dramatic takedowns of the sort that completely knocked out Ricardo Arona, who had locked in a triangle choke. As a striker, Rampage is a dogged brawler whose lack of formal technique is somewhat mitigated by his raw power. At times 'Page's aggressiveness has been a liability, such as when Wanderlei Silva goaded him into an exchange of vicious knees, one of which rendered Rampage unconscious before he hit the ground. However, this aggressiveness will be a key component of any winning strategy against Chuck. More recently, Rampage's record has been mixed and though he scored close (and some say controversial) decision victories over the likes of Matt Lindland and Murilo "Ninja" Rua, he has yet to regain the form he displayed earlier in his career. Fighting Chuck will be a considerable step up for him.

Jack Rossen of has aptly described Chuck Liddell's fighting stance as resembling a person stricken with rickets. His low stance, designed to facilitate his takedown defense, and his looping, circuitous punches punches are the antithesis of the crisp, direct boxing strikes with which most fighting fans are acquainted. Liddell's list of vicims, however, speaks for itself. Despite its unorthodox appearances, Liddell's game is highly technical and precise, relying on accurate jabs, well-placed flurries, and sharp counter-punching. Most traditional strikers rely on combinations to pick their opponents apart. Chuck's game relies far more on his knockout power. He will use the jab to goad his opponents into exchanges or corner them in the cage, where he can flurry. He seldom throws combinations unless he has already cornered his opponent. Because opponents fear his striking power, they are often forced into being overly conservative (as in Chuck's fights with Tito) or they will rush him and get floored by counterpunches (like Renato Sobral).

They key to 'Page's first victory was his willingness to stand and trade shots with Liddell. Even when he was hit solidly, Rampage always counterpunched and prevented Chuck from pressing the advantage. Though his counterblows were often haphazard and landed only occasionally, they hurt Chuck enough that he was unable to stalk 'Page and pick his shots at will. Jackson was also able to neutralize Liddel's counter punching by pressing forward with hard, straight shots that backed Chuck up and prevented him from setting his feet to counterpunch. Frequently he was able to close the distance and clinch, which neutralized Liddell's punching power and forced him to expend energy to escape or avoid the takedown. At first Liddell fended off the clinches and takedown attempts, but as the fight wore on Chuck's conditioning, which has always been suspect, broke down and allowed Rampage increasingly to muscle him around. After that, it was only a matter of time before the big takedown and inevitable ground and pound. If Rampage is able to replicate this strategy on Saturday, he will make the fight extremely difficult for Liddell. The prediction here is a third round TKO by Quinton "Rampage" Jackson.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

A Russian Folk Story

Simonov Seminovich awoke one morning to an unpleasant surprise: the wooden fence separating his goat pen from that of his dastardly neighbor, Vadim Zimavich, had been breached. From his bedroom window he saw splinters and posts scattered about like twigs in the wind, while the two flocks began to mingle like lacrosse players at a Goldman Sachs info session. By the time he had ventured outside to inspect the damage, Zimavich had emerged and begun to brand the animals with a smoldering piece of iron.

"Hey there!" cried Seminov. "We ought to settle conclusively which animal belongs where first!"

Zimavich grimaced coldly. "The animals are on my property. The right of salvage is universally recognized among civilized nations as extending to the limits of a man's private property. Unless you would like for me to report to the constable that my neighbor is a socialist, I'd suggest that you focus your attention on mending that fence."

"This isn't a civilized nation, this is Russia," replied Seminov. "And you know that we aren't rich enough to be socialists. If anyone's a socialist here, it's old Rabinovich. I hear his nephew is going to NYU. If you'd like to take this to the constable, I'm happy to oblige."

Three hours later Seminov and Zimavich found themselves sitting on a cold bench in the local police station. It was a busy day for the constabulary. A man had been arrested for attempting to sneak soap and shampoo into continental Europe, and the Italians were pushing for extradition. Then two local youths who were seen walloping a Jew with a street lamp post were fined for damaging the post. By the time Seminov and Zimavich approached the constable with their complaint, it was nearly four in the afternoon. As Seminov recounted his story, the constable yawned and checked his timepiece. "If you cannot determine what destroyed the fence or even prove that the animals in question belong to you, there really isn't much I can do," the constable sighed, his boredom palpable.

"It seems a bit unfair that my conniving neighbor ought to benefit from an act of negligence that was probably his fault to begin with!" Seminov objected.

The constable grew visibly annoyed. "Perhaps its unfair, but then what isn't these days? Think about people who were born with crippling diseases, inferior intelligence, or relatives from Houston. Is it our job to make all those people whole?" The constable then picked up a magazine and refused to look up.

As Seminov made his way home, he considered his options. He could attempt to make do with the remaining animals in his pen, but the prospects weren't good. By the time he got home, he realized that he had been left with two cows, each with the body type of a refugee, an asthmatic duck, and one of those tiny dogs that are often sold as fashion accessories for designer handbags. He knew an uncle in Kiev who might be able to get him a job in the civil service, but deep down he knew that he wasn't suited to a life of crime. What else was left?

Heartbroken, he retrieved a spade and a musket from the shed, intending to dig his own grave. Not wanting his remains to be dug up by the Pomeranian, he dug ceaselessly throughout the night, eschewing all comforts save for a glass of vodka. As the sun rose, Seminov thrust his shovel into the dirt for a final time, only to be thrown out of the ditch by a dark flume of crude oil. It turned out that his property was situated above a giant oil reserve. Now wealthy, Seminov started a multinational oil company and moved to Houston. His wife bought a Fendi for the Pomeranian. His two children dropped out of Columbia and moved to San Francisco, where they now work the counter at the Socialist Action Network Bookstore on 14th and Valencia.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Zombie Update: The Other Inconvenient Truth

The public is in grave danger. And we do mean grave.

The undead menace is spreading like mold on a cheese yet the public remains woefully uninformed.

Despite a 5000% increase in zombie attacks in the past 6 months, fewer than 12% of respondents in a recent Sasquatch/RLC poll believed zombies pose a moderate or severe threat.

More disturbing still, fewer than 5% of people polled could name specific zombies despite their ubiquity in the public arena.

Public ignorance about this issue, perhaps the most important issue of our time, is befuddling to zombie experts such as Dr. Michael Wentworth, chair of the Zombie Studies department at Oregon State University. We sat down with Dr. Wentworth and asked him to share his insights on this important issue.

Writing Rendezvous: What's your take on the seeming public ignorance regarding today's zombie threat?

Dr. Wentworth: I'm flabbergasted by the public's ignorance on this issue, flabbergasted. I've been tracking the undead for over two and a half decades, and what we are witnessing now is unparalleled. Not since Michael Jackson's Thriller have zombies been more visible, yet they are strangely invisible to the average spectator. What we see here is that people lack the expertise to effectively differentiate between the living and the undead. In essence, people are being fooled. It's a troubling development, deeply troubling. If the current trend continues, our research indicates that mankind may be completely obliterated by 2040.

WR: What do you foresee in the near future, say the next year or two?

DW: Zombies are becoming emboldened by their lack of detection. They are beginning to kill with abandon, even in the light of day, even before large crowds.

WR: Who is at greatest risk for a zombie attack?

DW: Nobody should consider themselves safe, with the possible exceptions of members of Project for a New American Century and The Heritage Foundation, but it should be noted that zombies disproportionately prey on children, the elderly, and persons with disabilities. I was on hand when confirmed zombie Denis Kusinich viciously attacked this young man and attempted to devour his brains.

WR: What can the public do to spot zombies?

DW: Stay vigilant for the following markers:

•Zombies always bare their teeth moments before an attack

•Pathological lying. For example, zombies often make false statements such as:
'I was talking to a single hispanic mother in Iowa with 2 1/2 children who was having trouble getting Medicaid to pay for her life-saving prescription drugs, which reminds me of another women I spoke to in New Hampshire last week who was concerned about social security keeping up with the rising cost of living.'

•Zombies often have stiff, awkward manners, and may emit a foul stench.

•They are often spotted at fundraising galas and baseball games (the latter being a ploy to gain acceptance as live human beings).

WR: Is there anything else?

DW: I will provide Writing Rendezvous with several of the most clarifying pictures of zombies taken in the past five years or so in hopes that your readers may become more adept at identifying the undead.

WR: Thank you for your time professor.

We now urge our readers to please take a moment and study the photographic evidence. Please spread the word. The zombie threat facing us today is very real. If we don't act soon, drowning polar bears will seem the least of mankind's worries.

Zombie baring its teeth moments before devouring the brains of its unsuspecting victim

Zombie lunging for more sweet brains

Zombie before another vicious strike

Zombies baring teeth before attack

Zombie exhibiting peculiar behavior pattern

Zombies devouring hoagies (believed to contain sweet sweet brains)

Zombie looks for the kill

Zombie frustrated by lack of brains in the room during Senate Intelligence meeting

Zombie wearing disguise