Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Daily Wisdom For Life With Rex Larry Champion

I heard some of you nancy boys haven't been keeping with the program. I'm not impressed.

Now drop down and give me 50.

Don't worry guys, I wont be too hard on you. Part of it is my fault, I admit it. I've been too soft on you. So I need to be harder on you. Do you understand? Good.

Now give me 50.

I'm not going to stand out here and call myself a Life Coach without meaning it. Last time I checked the dictionary, the word Coach was part of Life Coach, so I'm going to honor a self-promise I made long ago, back when I was nobody, stuffing envelopes for the 'male enhancement' marketing blitz, wallowing away in the pity of lost days and missed glory. Never again would I fail to be all that I could be. You might hate me. I want you to hate me. That's alright. You don't see it, but YOU ARE ME! Do you understand? I'm not going to let you slip away. Not this time, not again, never again! This is all for your own good, boys. It's time to take your medicine.

Now give me 50!

You weakling nancy boys need a wake up call. This isn't a game, it's your life. Are you ready? I can't hear you! You'd better be ready because today I'm going to help you TAKE IT UP A NOTCH for LIFE.

Today's lesson is about THE OTHER GUY.

Personal growth, personal success, personal finance. It's all pure crap. No man is an island.

Your numbers don't mean jack shit.

Your numbers don't mean jack shit!!


Ok Einstein, listen up because I'm only going to say this once:

You'll never know how you STACK UP without finding out about THE OTHER GUY.

THE OTHER GUY will never give away the information you need, so you need to work for it. Work it out. Pump it.

Invest in a good spy camera and buy a keyboard stroke monitor. Always keep a comb, needle-nose pliers and a length of twine in your glove compartment because you never know when you'll need it. Go to your local spy shop and load up on gear. You need the right tools for the job.

Never be unprepared.

Trust no one.

Every man is the enemy.


Great session today! Keep working on the program and before long, you'll be able to hang with THE BIG BOYS. Until next time, this has been Daily Wisdom For Life With Rex Larry Champion.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Making the Most of Your Education

Decades ago a high school education might have been enough to secure life's essentials: Food, shelter, even a spanking paddle with holes in it, if one was lucky. Nowadays employees are expected to be familiar with global finance, information technology, and how the Chalupa Supreme™ differs from the Gordita Supreme™. As a service to readers who may be wondering how to educate themselves for the 21st century, we have compiled a list of essential courses that are readily available in most community colleges and/or Books On Tape:

Introductory Microeconomics -
Have you ever wondered what causes gas prices to rise or why engineering students never get laid? Microeconomics shows how simple ideas like supply and demand effect the phenomena we see in every day life. Topics covered include marginal utility, factors of production, and why people would throw their money into a blender if it was labeled "Real Estate: No Money Down!!!" Also covered: Making moral relativism work for YOU.

Sales 101 -
Many people mistakenly assume that usefulness and sound marketing are the most important aspect of selling a product. In reality, sales is an art that fuses individual skills (matching ties with short-sleeve dress shirts, finding out which drugstores sell the best colognes, and when to feign an inability to communicate in English) into a more meaningful whole. "Getting a foot (or, failing that, a crowbar) in the door" is emphasized, as is the importance of getting testimonials from obese mullet heads who can plausibly claim to make $1,000 per minute while urinating into a water balloon. Independent observations at local mattress retailers are required.

Beginning Philosophy -
For centuries mankind has grappled with fundamental questions of morality and existence. Is it ever right to commit a moral wrong? Is the life of a polar bear worth more than that of a sloth? What if the sloth is a patron of the Metropolitan Opera House? Is it possible to have lower self-esteem than Franz Kafka? Students will explore these conundrums and many others by examining the works of history's greatest thinkers, such as Socrates, Friedrich Nietzsche, Soren Kierkegaard, and Lou Dobbs. Ultimately, students will gain an understanding of humanity's most enduring philosophical debates and why they are better off going into investment banking.

Understanding the Physical World -
Finally, a science course for those of us who have trouble remembering the integers. Topics to be emphasized include plants, animals, the sun, and not being late to football practice. Students will gain an understanding of evolution and why we should be nicer to pigeons. The final exam is mandatory and students will be required not only to differentiate between 15 species of dinosaurs, but also to correctly predict which one would beat the others in a fight.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Inspiration for Life by Best Selling Author and Life-Coach, Rex Larry Champion

Are you ready to take it to the next level?

I can't hear you!!

Are you ready to take it up a notch?

What's that you say? Yes?

Why on earth would you take it up a notch when you can take it up 20 notches. That's right. That's what I'm talking about.

Welcome to the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™.

Say goodbye to your old life. You have arrived.

Lesson one: Keep it Simple

To be a winner in life, there are three ingredients:
1.) The desire to achieve success beyond your wildest dreams
2.) My award winning books and tapes
3.) Professional laser tooth whitening, or better yet, Lumineers™

Lesson two:
There is no lesson two. Buy my book and all will be revealed to you.

You still haven't bought my book? That's ok. I'm going to do something really crazy and share the first 2 chapters with you, completely free of charge. Because I'm just that kind of guy.

Strap yourselves in and prepare yourself for the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™

Chapter One: Ultimate Action for Ultimate Potency and Performance

Do you hate your job? Is multilevel marketing making you blue? I know it was for me until I learned the BIG SECRET that changed everything, FOREVER!

Wouldn't it be great if you could:

• Fire your boss
• Work from home
• Go on vacations whenever and wherever you want
• Unlock the hidden power of TIMESHARE
• Harness the power of Ultimate Potency and Performance

To millions of guys, this is just a pipe dream. I know it was for me, until I learned the BIG SECRET that changed everything, FOREVER! There will be challenges along the way, no doubt. But for every dream snatcher, there is an opportunity to TAKE IT UP A NOTCH. That's where I learned my first lesson. It was during that time that I realized everything that could be, but wasn't. It was like I couldn't wait to burst out. There was a gigantic bulge coming off of me, just waiting to break free.

That's when I learned my second lesson, it wasn't about the BULGE, it was about the BURN, and ULTIMATE PERFORMANCE for ULTIMATE SATISFACTION. Once I discovered the Ultimate Secret, I started taking it up two, three, even four notches at a time. I was able to quit my job. I bought my first Porsche. And then the real opportunities began. You see, at that level it's all about maximum potency and nothing stops, it just keeps on moving and you can't stop. You need more and more. "The hunger is life and the challenge is the hunger to keep driving." It's the drive and the high-octane surge and the ultimate satisfaction that comes from knowing you're going to keep on going to take those notches down to take it up again and again. Tear them down and around and move over it. Pump it out. It's not what's under the hood, it's what's coming out of the vents. It's the pulse. Are you following me? Ok good, because we're just getting started.

Now I bet you're some kind of puny nancy boy, too scared to take it up a notch. That's where The System comes in. The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™

If you're sitting down I want you to stand up, because I want you to FEEL THE POWER. You can't experience ULTIMATE POTENCY and PERFORMANCE sitting down. That's like trying to throw a spit ball in the world series, you can't get away with it. You need to pump. Now what are your financial targets? Don't say it in your head, say it out loud. We practice a targeted approach to visualizing success in the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ Now say it out loud. What are you worth? I can't hear you, nancy boy! What are you worth? Louder! What are you worth? That's all??? I made that last week. Now come on, go with the pump. Pump it out. How much money do you want this month, this year, for LIFE?

Ok, that should have been pretty intense for you. We're going to take a break and go into the cool down period. You should be sweating.

Now you should be ready for the next step in the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™

Chapter Two: Unleash the Beast Within

It's time.

No more excuses. You know the ones I'm talking about:

I'm too busy
I'm too tired
I'm injured
I'm sick
I'm too old
I'm too fat
I'm too ugly
I'm to dumb

Now I want you to do 20 pushups. With each pushup I want you to shout "no excuses" as loud as you can. If the neighbors cat can't hear you, you aren't loud enough. This exercise is a cornerstone of the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™. You should do this religiously. Do it every day while you are washing the car or shaving or picking your kids up from soccer practice. This step is the bread that holds the pudding together.

Excuses are like assholes, everyone has them and they all stink. You need to cleanse yourself of all excuses, get really nice and clean. Clean it out.

I bet some of you are thinking "how can I do pushups while I'm washing a car or shaving?". That's exactly the kind of negative thinking that I'm talking about. Do you think Buzz Lightyear would have been the first man on the moon if he had an attitude like that? Figure it out. Work it out. Pump it. Come on guys, it's not that hard. I don't want any excuses out of you.

"Nancy boys forever vanquish their own glory with words of defeat." I want you to remember that quote because we're going to come back to it.

Jaded Urbanite Scoffs at Discovery of New Species

(New York) Today Barry Rosenblatt hit up the Drudge Report as he does every day from his office, searching for scandal and miscellaneous slime appealing to the prurient interest. What he found was a link to some e-rag from England about some stupid-ass animal. "What is this shit? It can't even do anything!" Rosenblatt scoffed, "sheesh, at least wait until Siegfried and Roy sodomize it for a few months and get it to dance with strippers or jump through rings of fire or something before you waste my time with this crap. What is it with these new species anyway? I thought humans were supposed to be destroying the Earth's wildlife. For Pete's sake, what's taking so long? Shouldn't this thing be extinct by now so I don't have to hear about it? Who even cares about this crap, if I wanted to see animals I'd go to the Bronx Zoo. Once you've seen one stupid animal, you've seen them all. You can't even eat one of these things. What's the point? It's a stupidity is what it is, a stupidity."

**Exclusive** John Edwards Throws in Towel

Presidential hopeful Senator John Edwards shocked supporters today by announcing he is dropping out of the race. "I have always sought to follow my dreams", the Senator tearfully told an Iowa audience this afternoon "but sometimes ambition can get in the way of our true purpose here. My family and I came to the conclusion this week that the White House isn't what God had in mind for me. So I've chosen to take up the real estate seminar circuit. Don't worry friends, you haven't seen the last of me. I'll see y'all soon at the airport Hilton."
... Developing ...

Thursday, March 15, 2007

From the Files of U.S. Intelligence

The recent confessions of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed (the criminal mastermind behind the attacks of September 11, the murder of Daniel Pearl, and a string of liquor store robberies on El Camino Real) indicate the true gravity of the threat posed by modern terrorists. To get a sense of the true horror we are facing, one must consider the primary sources: The official Pentagon records of the Mohammed interrogation, which are excerpted below:

Day 1:

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed arrives in Guantanomo accompanied by Osama Bin Laden's driver, bodyguard, and shiatsu masseuse. The bodyguard immediately requests a lawyer, preferably one that he does not recognize from late night television ads. The Army interrogator refuses and threatens to unleash the masseuse on the bodyguard. The bodyguard immediately reveals that Ayman Al-Zawahiri is in hiding, having spent the past few months in Pakistan, Afghanistan, and playing goalie for the New York Islanders. The Army, realizing that the Islanders have won 4 of their last 5, decides not to pursue the lead.

Day 2:
The interrogation of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed begins, only to be interrupted when the authorities realize that they have mistakenly brought Ron Jeremy into custody. Mohammed is discovered in a Van Nuys hotel room handcuffed with a ball gag, greatly simplifying matters. Mohammed is immediately flown to Guantanamo, but only after the Pentagon confiscates some videos found in the hotel room as evidence.

Day 7:
Mohammed is finally interrogated after four days in solitary confinement. The interrogator attempts to begin questioning only to find that Mohammed's mental state has deteriorated to a point where he expresses himself by reciting series of prime numbers.

Day 10:
Mohammed complains to prison officials that he has been tortured in violation of the Geneva Conventions. Officials insist that stocking his cell with live flesh eating beetles is in fact a lifesaving medical procedure, and that he should enjoy it while he still has health coverage.

Day 15:
Finally broken, Mohammed tearfully admits to planning an assortment of vile crimes, including a planned assassination of the Pope and conspiracy to violate blue laws in Bergen County, New Jersey. Interrogators attempt to attribute the screenplay for Gigli to him as well, but Mohammed balks. Eventually he pleads guilty to acting as the best boy grip on the set of Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever and transporting a pomelo across state lines for immoral purposes.

The world is clearly safer without men such as Mohammed running through our streets (or through the dirt-paved roads of Islamist madrasas in Pakistan). But the western world must remain vigilant. Already there have been rumors that terrorists plan to attack major American landmarks. Some even believe that they are plotting to raise bridge tolls and postal stamp prices within 3 weeks. If history has taught us anything, it is that the terrorists will stop at nothing, and they only have to be right once, or at least 2/5 of the time.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Ask Sasquatch

Q: Sasquatch, there has been a lot of discourse about global worming lately. What's your take on this contentious issue?
A: I survive by eating polar bear meat and twinkies. I hope for the sake of my cholesterol that global warming is a hoax and polar bears remain plentiful.

Q: Sasquatch, do you have any siblings or were you an only ape-child?
A: I have a sister but we're not close, have you ever watched Rosie?

Q: Tell us about your love life.
A: Our natural life span is 15 years. I kept on getting arrested for statutory rape in the states, so I moved up here to Canada where they don't have any laws. I wonder why R. Kelly didn't think of moving here.

Q: Speaking of Canada, do you have any opinion on the Quebec separatist issue?
A: Quebec is a great place... FOR ME TO POOP ON.

Q: Sasquatch, what's your favorite movie and why?
A: I like the Joy Luck Club because it's heartwarming and delightful.

Q: Do you have any heros?
A: Thomas Edison because he was a master of taking credit for the work of others. Plus it was really neat when he electrocuted that elephant.

Q: Master of taking credit for the work of others? Does that have any personal significance to you?
A: Let me put it this way, there were 20,000 bigfoot sightings last year. I get around but I'm not Paris Hilton, ok?

Q: What exactly do you mean by that?
A: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.

Q: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!
A: Then make your choice.

Q: I will, and I choose - What in the world can that be?
A: What? Where? I don't see anything.

Q: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.
A: You guessed wrong.

Q: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha... [DIES]
A: Don't mess with Sasquatch. Interview over.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Say it aint so!

According to, Sylvester Stallone was charged in a Sydney, Australia court today after customs officials found him in possession of 48 vials containing hGH (human growth hormone). If convicted, the 60 year old actor faces a maximum fine of $22,000.

Wow, truly shocking. I never would have expected this from Sylvester Stallone.

This is one of those stories that is really almost pointless to report because well, we kind of knew it even before it happened. It's like rats at KFC/Taco Bell, Robert Downy Junior going into rehab, George Michael being found slumped over in car, or Ann Coulter making inflammatory remarks to sell a book. Tell me that Stallone ISN'T juicing and that will make my jaw drop.

You know what, this calls for a top-10 list.

Top ten stale news stories that shouldn't be news, which I am sick and tired of hearing about:

#10 North Korea promises death to the entire world but quickly backs down after Condi Rice calls and promises to import Mickey Mouse ice cream pops, James Bond memorabilia and Hennessy if they play nice
#9 Some morbidly obese person lost 500 pounds but still weighs 800
#8 A member of the Kennedy family did something stupid while inebriated
#7 Microsoft just released a buggy piece of crap that makes everyone's computer crash
#6 Some random foreign kids are throwing rocks at police, but we don't know where or why
#5 Cheech Marin was arrested for paraphernalia, using, growing, or selling
#4 The French said something arrogant
#3 Religious conservatives are griping about something that Bill Maher didn't say but that other religious conservatives said that he said
#2 Tom Cruise said some nonsensical Scientology shit, fueling further speculation that he is a homosexual
#1 Anything about anyone going into or out of rehab

Sunday, March 11, 2007

The Talkies: "An Unreasonable Man"

In 2000, I voted for Ralph Nader. The election occurred little more than a month after I began my freshman year of college. My political sensibilities were hazy and iconoclastic. In practice this often meant rebelling against the comfortable liberalism of my hometown, where Saabs, granola, and the honor system were unquestioned ways of life. I had no idea who I was going to vote for until a friend introduced me to the Ralph Nader campaign.

"An Unreasonable Man," a documentary by Henriette Mantel and Steve Skrovan, does an excellent job of capturing the appeal that Nader held for young people like me. Voting for Nader showed that you were informed, intelligent, idealistic, and willing to take on the status quo. Most importantly, Nader convinced people that they could make a tangible difference by relentlessly following their own beliefs. There is, of course, no better way to sell to the youth than to appeal to their vanity.

As Unreasonable documents, I was hardly the first or the last young American to rally to Ralph Nader. The film justifiably claims that the millions of consumers who benefitted from Nader's influence as a consumer advocate will probably never give him the recognition that he deserves. The first half of Unreasonable is thus a fitting testament to the debt America owes to Nader, and a welcome attempt to resurrect his image among liberals.

The party poopers appear in the form of two savvy liberal thinkers, The Nation's Eric Alterman and Todd Gitlin, who are given airtime to voice their grievances with Nader, but whose criticisms are portrayed more as indulgences than legitimate observations. The issue in question, naturally, was Nader's ill-fated run for president in 2000, along with the far more disturbing rejoice that he exhibited following Al Gore's supposed defeat.

The film duly rehashes the major arguments: One side claims Nader's candidacy threw the election to George W. Bush, the other that Democratic missteps did far more damage than Nader, who was not deliberately trying to sabotage Gore. The claims are presented and elaborated without shedding much new light or arriving at any clear resolution. The truth, it seems to me, is that both views are correct. What's most shocking is the inability of liberals on both sides of the Nader debate to understand why the Republicans have been so successful in setting the nation's political agenda. The conservative strategy is articulated by Buchanan in the film, but is treated largely as a historical artifact. It appeared to have totally bypassed the audience at my screening, which used the Q&A time at the end of the film to pose questions about multiparty elections in Cuba (????) and rail against Nancy Pelosi's failure to pass a measure cutting funds for American troops actively fighting in Iraq.

Unreasonable is a fine tribute to a distinguished career and a competent look at one of the most rancorous debates among American liberals. But perhaps most importantly, it demonstrates how completely liberals have failed to challenge a fringe conservative ideology that has become political orthodoxy. Nader has yet to couch his anti-corporate efforts into a coherent political platform that can compete with the socially conservative, anti-government frenzy that conservatives have stroked for 30 years. Perhaps, as Sean Wilentz has claimed, the issues are simply not compelling enough. In any case, it's worthwhile to note that the Birkenstock liberals at my screening angrily jeered a question about labor organizing from a US postal worker simply because they thought his question was taking too long. The sooner the left realizes that elections are not won in debates at the Commonwealth Club or graduate school seminars, the better it will be for America.

As a longtime admirer of Nader, I fully support his right to run when he wants and campaign where he chooses. I think the nation as a whole would benefit from the inclusion of third party candidates, including Nader, in televised debates. But I would also contend that voters who truly believe in progressive ideals have the responsibility not to vote for him. Nader sent the Democrats a message in 2000, but where has it left us? The Democrats are no more liberal than they were seven years ago. Nader has become a pariah and the fallout has affected the ability of progressive groups like Public Citizen to do their jobs effectively. It is, as David Remnick has observed, painful to note how different the nation might be had Al Gore been elected in 2000. In 2004 I voted for John Kerry. In 2008, I will vote for Edwards, Obama, or even Clinton. Progress may sometimes depend on the unreasonable man. But just as often, it falls to those who can compromise for the common good.

The Talkies: "Miami Vice"

Miami Vice follows the saga of two Miami detectives, Crockett (Colin Farrell) and Tubbs (Jamie Foxx), who find themselves punching the clock for municipal police department one minute and smuggling dope as undercover federal agents the next. Indeed, their rapid transformation is just one instance of the warp speed transitions that characterize the film. Foxx plays the antithesis of his unassuming everyman role in Collateral, another collaboration with Mann, and brings an air of confidence, intensity, and brashness to Tubbs. Farrell's portrayal of Crockett is earnest but uneven, and not helped by an accent that would make Eliza Doolittle squirm with discomfort. I often found myself wondering what Vice could have been with a different actor in the lead role.

Mann's ability to fuse sound and image into a brilliantly realized whole is on fine display from the start. It is no exaggeration to say that his scenes are fully rendered, immaculately structured environments. The opening credits blink through in bold cerulean characters that radiate coolness. Shades of blue remain a constant throughout, lending the film an air of beautiful tragedy that brings to mind Picasso's "Old Guitarist." The set pieces, whether they are crowded night clubs, glass-walled beach front condos, or tense showdowns between heavily armed men, are mesmerizing even when they seem contrived. While Vice lacks the visceral power of Mann's Heat and Collateral, its visual power is superior. A.O. Scott has described Vice as an action film for those who like art movies, and vice versa. The description is apt. Vice demands that viewers suspend their disbelief when it shows two city detectives roaring past traffic in a fully outfitted Corvette, tearing across the water in supersonic speedboats, and chilling at a swanky club that ought to have denied Farrell access based on his grooming habits alone. But the spectacles that Mann has created make that sacrifice worthwhile.

What prevents Vice from rising to the level of Mann's strongest films is the glue that connects these spectacles together. The romance between Crockett and the drug smuggler Isabella (improbably played by Chinese megastar Gong Li) is an interesting wrinkle plot-wise, but in practice it drags the middle of the film down like a sodden mass. We understand that the two lovers are supposed to be star-crossed lost souls who find each other only to go inexorably off on their separate ways. But Li's performance, while compelling due to her screen presence alone, dashes from icy detachment to bubbly effusiveness seemingly without pause or explanation. Clearly we are meant to see her as a self-made businesswoman and power broker, but the ease with which she slides into a risky relationship with conflict of interest written all over it demonstrates a lack of business savvy on par with that of an American auto company.

Farrell tries his best to emote subtly and convincingly, but too often comes across as high school actor trying too hard. His almost comically exaggerated facial expressions and lack of screen charisma stand in stark contrast to Foxx and most of the excellent supporting cast. In fairness, his character is given less to work with than Foxx's. The context that Mann often provides his other characters, such as the brief glimpse into the dysfunctional family life of Al Pacino's detective in Heat, or the quiet stolen moments before the storm that he gave Foxx in Collateral, is largely denied to Crockett in Vice. All the same, it was difficult for me to consider the inclusion of Farrell with anything other than a sense of regret.

Ultimately, the strengths of Miami Vice are its sheer sensuality and, as befits a Mann film, its portrayal of the best and worst aspects of men (relentlessly) at work. Vice is weakest when it attempts to do too much. As the film zigzags between characters and across country lines, it loses the narrative intensity that Mann captured in his best films by fully fleshing out the nobleness and tragedy of human nature. Perhaps heavier editing (the film weighs in at a hefty 140 minutes) or different actors would have pushed Vice into the pantheon of Mann's signature films. In any case, the film is a pleasure to watch.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Crocop, before he was famous

Before finding success as a professional fighter, it appears Mirko Crocop and some of his buddies organized a series of "bum fights" which they sold over the internet. Unable to afford doctors for these events, they relied upon folk sports remedies such as pouring malt liquor on unconscious combatants to revive them.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Update: Zombie Alert

The following individuals are suspected of being zombies:

Jeff Van Gundy

Ralph Nader

Rob Zombie




Zombie Baring It's Teeth

News reports indicate the CIA has fresh evidence that Osama is hiding somewhere in Pakistan.

Pakistan? Way too obvious.

Top Ten Places Osama Is REALLY Hiding

#10 The dimple in Kirk Douglas's chin

#9 The "tall" section at the Men's Big and Tall store

#8 The ladies restroom at a "Magic The Gathering" convention

#7 Civil War reenactment

#6 The library at Cal State Chico

#5 I think he tried to sell me an upconverting dvd player at Frys even though I don't have an HDTV

#4 Slumped over in a car in the West End of London, oh wait, that's George Michael

#3 The World Beard and Mustache Championship in Brighton

#2 Any place of cultural interest in Southern California

#1 The Screech sex tape booth at the Las Vegas Porn Expo

The Importance of Jowls

In today's nip and tuck society, many aging gentlemen underestimate the power of jowls. Before you call Dr. 90210 for a consultation, we ask that you please consider this informative fact sheet.

The Importance of Jowls

•Beginning in ancient times, jowls have long been considered a sign of distinction. In Ancient Greece it was believed that jowls pleased none other than Zeus himself. Greeks who possessed this coveted attribute were given every advantage in society. In arbitration over property disputes, the man with the most prominent jowls would always prevail. At theater performances and sporting events, men with jowls were granted priority seating. Every year the man with the most formidable jowls in each village was awarded two dozen goats, an olive tree and a virgin.
•In early 19th century America, men with reputations for having uncommonly floppy jowls were rounded up from across the land and elevated to the U.S. House of Representatives. Those whose jowls were so pronounced they prevented intelligible words from being formed were given the honor of serving in the Senate. This was the genesis of an oratory style which is still emulated to this day. The leading contemporary exponents of this style of blabbering are [hey jonathan, help me with this one].

•While there is a very strong showing of jowls in congress, the mightiest jowls in government are to be found in the judiciary. Becoming a federal judge requires uncommonly stong jowl growth. The current law requires federal judges to measure in at 2 standard deviations above the population mean. The constitution requires 3 standard deviations for the Supreme Court. Many districts in the South have voluntarily enforced a 3 standard deviation policy for their courts in order to uphold the highest degree of integrity for jowls on the bench (and many analystis beleive, to increase the chances of future Supreme Court justices rising from their ranks.)

•Many U.S. Presidents were lauded for their jowls including John Quincy Adams, Chester A. Arthur, Grover Cleveland, William Taft, and Richard Nixon. It is widely held by historians that most of our bearded presidents should be considered to have been jowled as well. In this category we find Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes, James A. Garfield, and Benjamin Harrison.

•While jowls have long found a comfortable home in government, it would be a mistake to think they are confined to this domain. Indeed, the upper echelons of business and academia are equally saturated with jowls.

•Consider that until the mid 1980s, prominent jowls were an enforced requisite for tenured professors in history and philosophy departments at nearly all major colleges and universities. To this day, over 90% of chancellors and deans have jowls.

•For business leaders (particularly those on the east coast), it is of the utmost importance to maintain a mighty set of jowls to keep shareholders happy. In recent years there have been several high-profile cases in which shareholders called for a vote of no confidence to remove non-jowled CEOs. Every year, it becomes harder for those without jowls to climb the corporate ladder and this phenomenon extends well beyond our shores. A remarkable 95% of Forbes Global 2000 executives are known to have prominent jowls.

•Because those in the know so relish the advantages that jowls afford, every attempt has been made to limit their access to the common man. It is a well known fact that cosmetic jowl implants are illegal in all 50 states. What is less well-known is that these procedures are viewed as such a threat, clandestine military operations have been waged in Germany and The Netherlands to disrupt several jowl surgery centers catering to American nationals.

•If you are naturally endowed with jowls, you should consider yourself lucky.

It is the official opinion of Writing Rendezvous that jowl reduction/removal surgery is a medically unnecessary and socially costly procedure that should be undertaken by no one.

War Randy!

Ponce de León, eat your heart out. 43 year old Randy is definitely onto something and MLB, pay attention now, it isn't roids. It also isn't Xyience. Randy swears by an alkaline diet rich in leafy greens (yeah, the dude eats vegetables for breakfast... are you taking notes, country breakfast boy Matt Hughes?) Would green leafy vegetables have helped Barry Bonds hit all of those zingers? Who knows, but I'm going to roll the dice and say they wouldn't have given him a series of injuries and made his head swell up bigger than that of Tito Ortiz the way HGH did. He also wouldn't go down in history as one of the biggest cheaters in all of professional sports, and you know what, he still would have retired richer than 99% of the Earth's population. Barry should have picked alfalfa spouts and kale. But I digress. WAR Randy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, March 5, 2007

Randy "The Natural" Couture

Randy Couture began his Mixed Martial Arts career in 1997. For the past decade, he has set the gold standard for what MMA could and should be. Humble in victory and gracious in defeat, Couture has evolved to become one of the greatest athletes (not just in fighting or wrestling) of all time. He entered his most recent bout as the decided underdog, coming off of two knockout losses to light heavyweight champion Chuck Liddell and facing the 6'8, 265 pound heavyweight champion, Tim Sylvia. On March 3, at age 43, Couture thoroughly dominated Sylvia for five rounds to become the Ultimate Fighting Championship Heavyweight Champion. He is the only five-time UFC champion, and the only fighter to have held both the heavyweight and light heavyweight belt. I'm sure that JDog joins me in offering the warmest congratulations to Randy Couture, both on his recent victory and for all that he's accomplished throughout his career. However much longer Couture's career lasts, we MMA fans will continue to cherish all that he has done and continues to do for the sport.

Friday, March 2, 2007

The Undead: A Threat Assessment

It has become increasingly clear that our leaders have failed to draft an adequate plan in case of zombie attack. As international unrest, environmental disaster, and the prospect of more albums by the Mannheim Steamroller cloud our collective consciousness, vigilant citizens cannot allow this oversight to continue. Any credible threat analysis must begin with the essentials: How many are there? Where do they come from? Do they have any Coldplay tickets? What does this mean for the estate tax? Yet until now, few have had the courage to raise such questions.

Popular culture has done its best to step with helpful tips, yet this often creates more questions than it answers. We are told that zombies are easily identified by their sallow complexions, slack jaws, and sunken eyes, yet we are given no further guidance on how to distinguish them from Marc Anthony or graduate students in the humanities. Equally unhelpful is the common admonition to "destroy the brain" when confronted by a hostile zombie, as it wholly neglects the possibility that the zombie is from southern California.

Dr. Helmut Schmutzig, a noted professor of ectoplasm at the University of Grusselgrauen, contends that danger from zombies can be minimized by taking common sense measures like locking all doors and windows, avoiding all human contact, and storing a large hatchet under the bathroom sink. Professor Schmutzig also warns that the undead are far more prevalent than we realize, as evidenced by the recent discovery that the entire front court of the Golden State Warriors consists of re-animated corpses.

The experts are divided on how to classify the threat posed by the undead. The hawks claim that zombies can be destroyed using conventional weapons like machine guns, tanks, bombs, and network television. Others advocate a more measured approach, encouraging strategists to investigate the root causes of flesh-eating and the history of zombie-human relations. They point to instances like that of Jacques LePieu, an undead nobleman from 16th century France who surfaced at a Clay Aiken concert and promptly decided that he preferred the grave. Still others insist that we must engage in diplomatic talks with the walking dead, observing that zombies held in captivity demonstrated the ability to sing "Stormy Weather" while spinning dreidels on their foreheads.

Regardless of which path we ultimately choose, now is the time to begin a critical assessment of the zombie threat. This, unlike war, social security, and health care, is a liability that we cannot afford to pass on to the next generation.

All Is Well

War, gang violence, kidnappings and child molestation, the nightly news can be as depressing as attending a friend's funeral. It's not all so bleak, however. Every now and again, that 24-hour cable conveyer belt bringing depravity and despair into our homes grinds to a halt and suddenly we are presented with a story that truly uplifts the human spirit.

Rats Overrun New York KFC/Taco Bell.

The exuberance of these reporters borders on glee.

What is it about this story that strikes such a chord in all of our hearts? I believe it is that rats are SUPPOSED to overrun KFC and Taco Bell. It is the way of the world. Nothing captures our collective imaginations like the beauty of nature. A bolt of lightening across a moonlit sky, a double rainbow, a monarch butterfly gracefully landing on a perennial, the first week of spring, the birth of a child... Rats at Taco Bell. To go so long without a story like this suggests something in the universe is amiss, as if the moon were to one day disappear from the night sky. Seeing those rats scurry across the filthy unwashed floor causes us to smile and sigh a breath of relief. The Gods are still in command of the universe, all is well.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

An Abominable Column

Reading the alma mater's campus newspaper is like cleaning the Augean stables. You do it out of a misplaced sense of obligation, even though you know you'll never quite get the shit stench out. Take, for example, this gem from today's Daily Princetonian (Absence of Billboards in the Womb), which begins:

"With all the temerity most have for the treatment of a topic so uniquely inspirational for irrational lunatics of all persuasions, I would like to discuss abortion."

I don't even know where to begin. This guy's word processor should be forced to undergo the same process as convicted sex offenders. Sorry buddy, but there's no way you're allowed to write here. There's a school within 500 feet. Reading this sentence is like committing an assault against your brain. The horrible usage of "temerity" and "inspirational" loosen you up with a few gut punches before the nonsensical string of prepositions moves in to finish you off.

Any sensible person would have avoided this column like an active volcano. But if there's one thing I've learned from Kazushi Sakuraba, it's that you should never say "die" until you've pulverized your cortex to the point where it's no longer physically possible to do so.

Fortunately, I only had to proceed about four more sentences until I encountered this:

In case the thrust of your steely invective was to call me an irrational religious fanatic, zealots, I will admit happily to possessing a large number of unambiguously religious principles..."

Yes. I'd be more than happy to thrust my steely invective wherever your unambiguously religious principles dictate...But wait, there's more....

"Abortion is abominable. The longer I think about it, the more abominable it seems...In any case, it seems to me that the abominability of abortion ought to be apparent to any rational person..."

Hmm. It seems to me that the fact that "abominability" is not a word ought to be apparent to any rational person. I'm always amused by the fascination of social conservatives with the word "abominable." Man shall not lie with man, it is an abomination. Abortion is an abomination. Taxes on inherited wealth are an abomination. I can only hope that I never find myself looking to the book of Leviticus for guidance on diction. You should only be allowed to use "abominable" if you are Thomas Hobbes, or if you are writing about the Abominable Snowman. And even then, you should make a good faith effort to find some synonyms.

Our fearless author then makes a bold attempt to characterize the pro-choice argument:
But your choice must be preserved. So say the same voices that tell you to buy Coach and Lacoste disclose who you really are."

I have no idea what this means. And I think my neurons suffered some irreversible damage while trying to figure it out.

As we speak, the bourgeois with forceps and poisonous chemicals invade the womb, a realm curiously free from capitalism in other respects."

Don't look now, but Frank Rich and David Remnick are about to perform dilation and extraction with barbecue tongs and some hemlock.

And now...saving the best for last (I swear this is an actual quote):

"Unless there is something sacred about his being human, why should every otherwise worthless slouch be allowed to waste beautiful silence explaining his ludicrous notions to the world?"

I suppose it doesn't say much about the sacredness of humanity (seeing as it's the necessary condition in the above statement), but this column has done more than anything to convince me that beautiful silence ought not to be wasted on the ludicrous notions of worthless slouches.

The World's Most Dangerous Man

Robin Williams is funnier on the sauce

I saw Robin Williams doing standup at Bimbos in San Francisco a while back. The show was called "Working on Material" and Robin sipped Poland Spring throughout the show. Let's just say the material needed, well, more work. I hope I'm never so old that I think somebody saying "vagina" in a loud voice is the paragon of comedy. Robin Williams is Robin Williams, I was expecting so much more. Working on Material was every standup routine that's ever been done. I was very disappointed. I have to conclude that Robin Williams is funnier on the sauce.

Top 10 Reasons Why I hate IKEA

Top 10 Reasons Why
I hate IKEA

#10 These nuts are metric but this hex wrench is English, what the fuck??

#9 Every cinnabon I eat makes me look more like Oprah.

#8 Always a shock to get charged 60% tax at the register. Damn socialists.

#7 It's easier to get your car out of an impound lot on Staten Island than it is to get out of the Ikea parking lot.

#6 Those posters by Edward Hopper imitators make Thomas Kinkade look like Raphael.

#5 Every $1 hot dog I eat makes me look more like Dr. Phil.

#4 Getting home and realizing that this unpainted wooden cube contains 25¢ worth of lumbar.

#3 I feel like I'm inside the deadly topiary maze from The Shining.

#2 I can't breathe, I think I just choked on an umlaut.

#1 If you walk against the flow of those arrows on the floor, a nude scandinavian man covered in grease will jump out and tackle you.