Monday, November 24, 2008

Pass the Tofurkeyducken, Please


3 lb. turkey, with gizzards removed, then replaced, then assembled to create a scale model of the Great Mosque of Cordoba
2 tsp salt
3 Tbsp cooking oil or 1 Tbsp of drippings from Steven Lavin's hair
2 loaves of organic, whole-wheat artisan bread
1/2 cup sage
2 cups chicken broth
1 lemon
1 bunch of cilantro
1 tsp whole peppercorns

1. Assemble ingredients 4 hours before guests are scheduled to arrive.
2. Brine turkey in a mixture of saltwater, pepper, and sage for 3 hours.
3. Realize that you were supposed to brine the turkey for at least 48 hours. Use internet to locate the nearest Boston Market.
4. Place chicken broth in a large saucepan. Bring to boil.
5. Continue to boil until fully evaporated.
6. Attempt to recapture the broth vapor by flailing a measuring cup around for five minutes.
7. Grind the peppercorns and cilantro together with a mortar and pestle. If the pestle breaks, use the artisan bread.
8. Use a diamond saw to quarter the artisan bread. Place it in a paper bag. Donate it to Second Harvest Food Bank.
9. Check the score of the Lions game.
10. Study family photo album to ensure that you are able to correctly identify all extended relatives, as well as their prior convictions.
11. Offer neighbors $100 for their cooked turkey, $200 if they will throw in a honeybaked ham.
12. Order Chinese.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

5 Reasons Why I Can Not Vote For John McCain By Harry The Partridge

There are a number of reasons why I can not vote for John McCain, the least of which that I am ineligible as a British citizen (to make no mention of my status as a partridge.)

No matter, there are reasons why my conscience would forbid me from ever voting for John McCain even if I legally could, five to be precise.

One: John McCain vehemently and even physically opposed the Virginia Plan at the constitutional convention, at one point punching James Madison in the face and calling him a "lopped-off dog member not fit for a Scottish dinner table". McCain took particular issue with Madison's suggestion that the Articles of Confederation be modified to "accomplish the objects proposed by their institution". McCain instead favored an approach of ineptitude as laid out in the New Jersey Plan which resolved that each state would be represented by a chicken, 12 sheep, and 37 pigs. Ever the maverick, John McCain kept his protest alive for over two centuries by hiring only fowl, sheepish, or porcine staffers to work under him during his long tenure in the Senate. John McCain: wrong in 1787, wrong in 2008.

Two: According to reliable internet sources, John McCain is a level 33 Freemason, loyal to the craft.

Three: Insert Sarah Palin joke here.

Four: That filthy septic John McCain still calls us limeys.

Five: it is alarmingly easy to imagine John McCain as a Tin Tin character. Surely such a man is not fit to be head of state in the 21st century.
"Even with the burqa, you still look like a trollop"