Tuesday, March 6, 2007

The Importance of Jowls

In today's nip and tuck society, many aging gentlemen underestimate the power of jowls. Before you call Dr. 90210 for a consultation, we ask that you please consider this informative fact sheet.


The Importance of Jowls

•Beginning in ancient times, jowls have long been considered a sign of distinction. In Ancient Greece it was believed that jowls pleased none other than Zeus himself. Greeks who possessed this coveted attribute were given every advantage in society. In arbitration over property disputes, the man with the most prominent jowls would always prevail. At theater performances and sporting events, men with jowls were granted priority seating. Every year the man with the most formidable jowls in each village was awarded two dozen goats, an olive tree and a virgin.
•In early 19th century America, men with reputations for having uncommonly floppy jowls were rounded up from across the land and elevated to the U.S. House of Representatives. Those whose jowls were so pronounced they prevented intelligible words from being formed were given the honor of serving in the Senate. This was the genesis of an oratory style which is still emulated to this day. The leading contemporary exponents of this style of blabbering are [hey jonathan, help me with this one].

•While there is a very strong showing of jowls in congress, the mightiest jowls in government are to be found in the judiciary. Becoming a federal judge requires uncommonly stong jowl growth. The current law requires federal judges to measure in at 2 standard deviations above the population mean. The constitution requires 3 standard deviations for the Supreme Court. Many districts in the South have voluntarily enforced a 3 standard deviation policy for their courts in order to uphold the highest degree of integrity for jowls on the bench (and many analystis beleive, to increase the chances of future Supreme Court justices rising from their ranks.)

•Many U.S. Presidents were lauded for their jowls including John Quincy Adams, Chester A. Arthur, Grover Cleveland, William Taft, and Richard Nixon. It is widely held by historians that most of our bearded presidents should be considered to have been jowled as well. In this category we find Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes, James A. Garfield, and Benjamin Harrison.

•While jowls have long found a comfortable home in government, it would be a mistake to think they are confined to this domain. Indeed, the upper echelons of business and academia are equally saturated with jowls.

•Consider that until the mid 1980s, prominent jowls were an enforced requisite for tenured professors in history and philosophy departments at nearly all major colleges and universities. To this day, over 90% of chancellors and deans have jowls.

•For business leaders (particularly those on the east coast), it is of the utmost importance to maintain a mighty set of jowls to keep shareholders happy. In recent years there have been several high-profile cases in which shareholders called for a vote of no confidence to remove non-jowled CEOs. Every year, it becomes harder for those without jowls to climb the corporate ladder and this phenomenon extends well beyond our shores. A remarkable 95% of Forbes Global 2000 executives are known to have prominent jowls.

•Because those in the know so relish the advantages that jowls afford, every attempt has been made to limit their access to the common man. It is a well known fact that cosmetic jowl implants are illegal in all 50 states. What is less well-known is that these procedures are viewed as such a threat, clandestine military operations have been waged in Germany and The Netherlands to disrupt several jowl surgery centers catering to American nationals.

•If you are naturally endowed with jowls, you should consider yourself lucky.

It is the official opinion of Writing Rendezvous that jowl reduction/removal surgery is a medically unnecessary and socially costly procedure that should be undertaken by no one.

19 comments:

Jonathan said...

I vote for the old school Dilbert Boss:

http://www.kohomban.net/dilbert/boss_old.gif

Questionable said...

I just sent a buddy this page. He's got uber-jowls...

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