Thursday, December 18, 2008

Crap, it's going to be a long day...

Looks like they brought back the 2 for 1 special at Long John Silver's.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Pass the Tofurkeyducken, Please


3 lb. turkey, with gizzards removed, then replaced, then assembled to create a scale model of the Great Mosque of Cordoba
2 tsp salt
3 Tbsp cooking oil or 1 Tbsp of drippings from Steven Lavin's hair
2 loaves of organic, whole-wheat artisan bread
1/2 cup sage
2 cups chicken broth
1 lemon
1 bunch of cilantro
1 tsp whole peppercorns

1. Assemble ingredients 4 hours before guests are scheduled to arrive.
2. Brine turkey in a mixture of saltwater, pepper, and sage for 3 hours.
3. Realize that you were supposed to brine the turkey for at least 48 hours. Use internet to locate the nearest Boston Market.
4. Place chicken broth in a large saucepan. Bring to boil.
5. Continue to boil until fully evaporated.
6. Attempt to recapture the broth vapor by flailing a measuring cup around for five minutes.
7. Grind the peppercorns and cilantro together with a mortar and pestle. If the pestle breaks, use the artisan bread.
8. Use a diamond saw to quarter the artisan bread. Place it in a paper bag. Donate it to Second Harvest Food Bank.
9. Check the score of the Lions game.
10. Study family photo album to ensure that you are able to correctly identify all extended relatives, as well as their prior convictions.
11. Offer neighbors $100 for their cooked turkey, $200 if they will throw in a honeybaked ham.
12. Order Chinese.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

5 Reasons Why I Can Not Vote For John McCain By Harry The Partridge

There are a number of reasons why I can not vote for John McCain, the least of which that I am ineligible as a British citizen (to make no mention of my status as a partridge.)

No matter, there are reasons why my conscience would forbid me from ever voting for John McCain even if I legally could, five to be precise.

One: John McCain vehemently and even physically opposed the Virginia Plan at the constitutional convention, at one point punching James Madison in the face and calling him a "lopped-off dog member not fit for a Scottish dinner table". McCain took particular issue with Madison's suggestion that the Articles of Confederation be modified to "accomplish the objects proposed by their institution". McCain instead favored an approach of ineptitude as laid out in the New Jersey Plan which resolved that each state would be represented by a chicken, 12 sheep, and 37 pigs. Ever the maverick, John McCain kept his protest alive for over two centuries by hiring only fowl, sheepish, or porcine staffers to work under him during his long tenure in the Senate. John McCain: wrong in 1787, wrong in 2008.

Two: According to reliable internet sources, John McCain is a level 33 Freemason, loyal to the craft.

Three: Insert Sarah Palin joke here.

Four: That filthy septic John McCain still calls us limeys.

Five: it is alarmingly easy to imagine John McCain as a Tin Tin character. Surely such a man is not fit to be head of state in the 21st century.
"Even with the burqa, you still look like a trollop"

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Notes From Pecking, By Roscoe Hammond

Eyes from around the globe are on the Pecking extravaganza as the latest chapter in this quadrennial saga is seared into the history books. As the assembled crowd marvels at the high-flying feats of our most shining specimens of athletics, any personage in attendance would have it be that this were the ultimate Olympiad, the games to end all games. I am with you today so it be known that this couldn't be further from the truth. For what is now held in high regard by our sporting companions is but a pale imitation of the unsullied games of yesteryear. With modern tinctures and tonics like EPO and hGH it is possible to be fast and strong, but where may I ask is the finesse, the style, the heart and soul? With little more than some ground ox testicle and elbow grease as training companions in the weeks leading up to the big event, I boldly transported a locomotive from Chicago to St. Louis using only my teeth to mark the opening ceremony of the 1904 Olympic Games in St. Louis. I went on to win three gold medals in the biceps curl, the situp, and the freestyle kettle ball prance. My kettle ball routine was so moving that men of good and low breeding alike were brought together in tears, weeping for weeks at my magnificence. How many men has Michael Phelps brought to tears?

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The Strange Career of Alphie Dunderson, Child Genius

How will future generations remember Alphie Dunderson? Or, put more simply, will his preternatural ability to solve a rubik's cube using only disposable chopsticks be overshadowed by his penchant for wearing pleated chinos with Harley Davidson t-shirts? Like many boy geniuses, Alphie's tremendous gifts manifested themselves at an early age. His first grade teacher credits him with proving (definitively) that, regardless of whether one selects the "whites" or "colors" cycle, a pair of jeans will take at least 50 minutes to dry on high heat. An avid reader of comics, Alphie was said to have predicted not only the death and resurrection of Superman, but also, prior to the replacement of Bryan Singer with Brett Ratner, that X-Men 3 would suck.

Yet Alphie was also the consummate renaissance man. It has been said that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. Etymologists now believe that aphorism was coined after someone saw Alphie walking across a parking lot and up half a flight of stairs. At age 14, Alphie was spotted at a New York Knicks game, in which dazzled onlookers remained transfixed as he singlehandedly discovered why italicized letters must be used during Fourier transformations. The next day he was offered a job as the Knick's starting power forward. His parents were said to have compared his early fingerpaintings to classic de Kooning and it has been speculated that, had he not suffered a traumatic cheek injury while eating a bowl of undercooked rice, Alphie could have been a successful tackling dummy for a Conference USA football team. His skill with the song flute, while perhaps less developed than his other talents, was nonetheless preferable to Duran Duran.

Alas, it seems inevitable that genius goes unrecognized it its own time. Such was the case with Alphie, who spent most of his productive years toiling in cafes, manning the register at various retail stores, and working part-time for English expatriates in the US, who paid him to sit in the back seat and yelp every time they drifted over to the left lane or tried to signal a turn with the windshield wipers. Though his interactional style has been alternately described as "vile," "surly," and "mephitic," future generations will no doubt regret their inability to recognize such a true magus in their midst - if nothing else, we can hope that his legacy will once again make it possible for one to wear chinos when the general consensus is that dark socks and slacks are more appropriate.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Common Motifs: A Survey of Best Practices from


Felix's Tapas
5722 Brick Street
Santa Clara, CA


"I would rather have a bowl of rancid paella injected into my stomach via an enema than eat at Felix's Tapas again. Even though there were only 11 other people in line, it took almost 3 minutes for the hostess to acknowledge our presence. She even had the gall to ask me how many there were in our party. Was she blind? Could she not see that there were two other people next to me without having it explained to her like an inbred Irish setter? What's more, as soon as I got home I developed an acute pain in my hamstring that I'm convinced must have been caused by sitting on a used hypodermic needle that was discarded onto their filthy upholstery. Honestly, is it too much to ask for a mid-priced family restaurant to have a sharps biohazard disposal on site? I guess I should have expected as much from a place that doesn't accept either Diner's Club or Discover. I know I won't be back here any time soon..."

Doug R.
Pleasant Hill, CA


Touchdown Sports Bar
4561 Webster St.
Alameda, CA


"Pros: Several big-screen high definition TVs, attractive hostesses, serves only the finest liquors and imported beers, free salted nuts
Cons: Only shows bass fishing, staff ignores you, cash only, single-stall bathrooms
Conclusion: The perfect place to watch sports you don't want to see in high definition while continuing to be ignored by attractive women who refuse to sell you any of their high quality stock because you didn't bring cash and even if you wanted to drink you couldn't because you'd start retaining water and spending most of the time in the line for the bathroom."

Mike J.
San Jose, CA


Gruntz Sports Gym
123 Capp Street
San Francisco, CA


"I started training here during the off-hours when I'm not adding to my undefeated record in K-1 and Shooto. I was referred here by Rex Larry Champion after agreeing to help him train to fight Rickson Gracie. My main complaint is that they don't have dumbells that go up to 600 pounds. Can you believe that? What about those of us who chest press 1500 pounds? This gym is a little dirtier than the one I'm used to, but maybe that's because I'm usually recognized at the more high-end facilities, where they typically end up giving me latex gloves and sterile scrubs so that the weak juice from the other patrons doesn't get all over my extremities. In the end I stopped training here because, after all, fitness isn't my entire life and I realized that I ought to devote more time to all the hotties hitting me up on the cell 24/7."

George L.
Palo Alto, CA


Dirty Drawers Records Store
9899 Lawrence Blvd.
San Mateo, CA


"As soon as I entered this store it became clear that, despite their claim to specialize in post-hip, deconstructionist, quasi-transmorgifical death grunge, they are actually more influenced by the Borgian, pseudo-metal, urban hillbilly movement. It took less than 5 seconds for me to realize that they were playing a first-release, analog copy of Baked Potato with Chives's seminal release 'No Baco-Bits'. Unfortunately, their credibility was sorely undermined by the fact that they apparently did not have the gold-plated Japanese import version released in 1987. I'd say more, but I'm overdue to chain smoke a few Swisher Sweets in order to cultivate a greater physical resemblance to Lou Reed on a meth binge."

Eric G.
Menlo Park, CA


Mike's Tiling
311 Page Mill
Palo Alto, CA


"I started Mike's five years ago with one goal: To create the best tiling store between California Avenue and San Antonio Road. I'm proud to say that I've done that. With over 500 selections to choose from, including a wide variety of ceramics and natural stones, we also have an extensive color palette that ranges from Englishman White to Venture Capitalist Green. Mike's also features a knowledgeable and attentive staff, over 70% of whom can claim to have a permanent address. While we realize that you have many choices in determining who ought to tile the 3,000 sq. foot foyer of your tacky, overgrown maison idéal in Midtown, rest assured that Mike's has everything you need."

Mike G.
Sunnyvale, CA


Beacon Gas Station
6444 El Camino Real
San Carlos, CA


"Accept all major credit cards. Lights turned on at night for customer convenience. Conveniently labeled buttons to distinguish between 87, 90, and 92 Octane levels. Posted warnings against topping off seldom enforced. Above average selection of Slim Jims."

Don I.
Foster City, CA


Yamamoto Sushi
1222 Castro Street
Mountain View, CA


"I have nothing substantive to say, but check out my profile picture of me in a string bikini and come heavy with the compliments!"

Susie N.
Mountain View, CA

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Iowa Caucus Predictions By Harry The Partridge

1st: Obama
2nd: Edwards
3rd: Clinton

1st: Huckabee
2nd: Romney
3rd: Thompson