Friday, June 1, 2007

One More Word

One more word guys. I got a sneak peak at Rex Larry Champion's big project. This is going to be big. When he says this is going to change everything forever, he really means it. I'm going to give my full endorsement after the official launch. Until then, keep your eyes open, you wont want to miss this. I wish I could say more but I'm sworn to secrecy. The dream is soon.

Javier Marcos Fantasitco's Guide To Bail Bonds

Hey guys.

I'm back.

I think I have some explaining to do.

I was going to fill in for Rex Larry Champion as you know, but I had some, umm, some, how can I say this, I had some, umm, unplanned events transpire.

Ok, I'll level with you.

I was in jail.

Before you say anything, it's not what you think.

I didn't do ANYTHING, ok?

Not everyone who goes to jail is guilty, right? It's the American way. The presumption of innocence, you know?

Hear me out.

I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

That's all.

Here's how it happened.

I was eating fish and chips, right? And they were really stingy with the tartar sauce, so I wanted some of that malt vinegar because the fish was hella dry. Well as it turns out, the bottle of vinegar on my table was empty, so I walked over to another table and politely asked if I could use the vinegar. I swear, the guy at that table was on PCP or some shit, because he was giving me beef all like "no, it's my vinegar, now do you want to make something of it, fuck off!" His eyes were all crazy like Bill O'Reilly or Charles Manson, it really freaked me out man. I don't want no beef with this guy, I just want some vinegar, right? So I just walk away without saying a word, just play it cool. I still have a lemon wedge on my plate so I think ok, fuck it, good enough, I don't need no malt vinegar.

Now you wont believe what happens next.

This crazy ugly dude, gets up and follows me over to my table. I thought he's going to give me the vinegar, but instead he takes the bottle and hits me over the head with it. I'm like fuck, he did not just do that! So I don't think right, I just punch him in the face, because its instinct, you know?

As it turns out, this guy is a cop. So he pulls a taser out of his pants and he shocks me and then he kicks me in the back of the head and cuffs me and tells me I'm under arrest for assaulting an officer.

Can you believe that shit?

I didn't know he's a an officer when I hit him, and it's self defense man!

So this pig drove me off to jail and they booked my ass.

I want to get the hell out of this piss soaked hell hole, so the first thing I do is find out about bail bonds.

I looked in the phone book and there were a dizzying array of options:

A1 Bail Bonds

AAA Bail Bonds

Ace Bail Bonds

Acme Bail Bonds

Aladdin Bail Bonds

Angry Gorilla Bail Bonds

Apex Bail Bonds

Bad Boys Bail Bonds

Barry Bail Bonds

Chau's Bail Bonds & Dim Sum

Tom and Peter P. McDonough Bail Bonds

I decided on Bad Boys because the logo looked bad-ass.

I called my grandma and told her to go over to Bad Boys and bail me out.

A few hours later, I was a free man, but I had to report directly to Bad Boys to fill out some more paper work.

I walked in and got a dirty look, like I'm a criminal or some shit. The floor was sticky like the adult video store. Some short bald man who looked like Danny Devito was sitting on a stool behind a kevlar window with iron bars on it. He slid some forms under the window and asked me if I can read. Shit, of course I can read, how else would I know I was at the bail bonds place if I can't read the sign out front. He all dumb and stuff. Anyway, the form was just the basics, asking for all my info and explaining how they send a bounty hunter after your ass if you don't show in court. After that, they finger printed me and that was that, I was out. Right as I walked out the door, an unmarked Crown Victoria pulled up next to me and a man with a mustache shouted out at me "Hey buddy, how are you doing there? I'm driving to Mexico tonight, do you need a lift?" I almost said yes but then I thought, maybe it's a sting. Looking back, the mustache kind of gave it away. I'm glad I took the bus home.

That was my crazy adventure.

The moral of the story: never eat fish and chips.

Losers Cut Corners By Rex Larry Champion

I was thinking about it. What makes winners and losers? Are we really cut from a different cloth? Can losers ever become winners?

Lets face it, part of my job is helping losers, but sometimes its hard for me because I'm a winner. You see, sometimes I can't understand losers. I'm so successful, I don't know how to fail. I've been at the top of my game for so long, I don't remember how to lose.

That's how this all got started.

I discovered that if I want to help everyone be a winner, first I need to understand losers.

So I set out and decided to really study losers, see what makes them tick, see what makes them fail.

Only then can I help them to become winners.

The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ was designed for average guys looking to take it up a notch. It's still the best system in the world and I stand by it.

But as time passed I discovered that some guys are below average. I call these guys losers. Most of them wouldn't try The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ in the first place. If they did try it, I have to admit, it might not help them. Like I said, The System is designed for average guys. Losers have too many obstacles in the way for them to fully experience the ultimate potency for ultimate performance and satisfaction that comes from working The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™

That's what this is all about.

This article is designed to get losers up to speed so they can achieve the maximum results regular guys have been getting on The System since the beginning.

Here it is guys.

1.) Losers cut corners. I live 4 blocks from the grocery store, but when I shop, I park 9 blocks away so I get in an extra walk. Losers do everything they can to cut corners. Losers intentionally position their couch and TV close to the door so they wont have to move as far to let the Domino's guy in.

2.) Losers make excuses. "I don't want to buy the system, it's too expensive", "what if it doesn't work?", "it looks too hard", "I'll never be a success like RL Champion, why should I bother?"

3.) Losers watch life, Winners live it. Losers watch Joe Millionaire, I am a millionaire. Losers look at sports cars in magazines, I drive them. Losers look in the window of the gym and feel pangs of guilt as they walk passed into Arby's, I have the body everyone wants and I own that gym.

4.) Losers Cry. Pathetic.

5.) Losers associate with losers. If you throw an ice cube into a bucket of ice it wont melt as fast as if you throw it into boiling water. Losers insulate themselves with other losers so they don't notice the truth about themselves. They avoid winners at all costs. Truth hurts. Losers will never change until they look into an accurate mirror.

6.) Losers buy groceries at the liquor store or 7-11. You can't be your best you if you eat a Slim Jim, a moldy tuna salad sandwich under a heat lamp, and a Mike's Hard Lemonade for lunch.

7.) Losers take no for an answer. You can always tell a loser by the words "ok", or "I guess" when faced with rejection.

8.) Losers don't like sports. In sports there is always a winner and a loser. Losers hate seeing winners so much, they avoid it all costs. Losers hate sports because they know they will have to see a winner. In their world, there are no winners and losers, they fool themselves into thinking that they aren't playing the game. In reality, everyone is playing the game, and losers are losing the game.

9.) Losers pretend to like things to impress people. Losers care a lot about what other people think about them. They have nothing to stand on so they need to put on a big show to be liked. This often involves pretending to like things like wine or art or dog breeding. Winners love what they love and hate what they hate, they never pretend. Nobody is impressed by a loser pretending to like things. Everyone is impressed by a winner firm in his convictions.

10.) Losers read too many books. Books never made anyone a winner. What do most guys do after they read a book? That's right, they read another book. It's a vicious cycle (see #3: losers watch life, winners live it). Every winner could write a great book, but probably wont because he's too busy living life. Losers could never write a book, but most of them think they can.

Attention all losers:

Stop Cutting Corners

Stop Making Excuses, Buy The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™

Stop Watching Life, Start Living It

Don't Cry

Stop Hanging Out With Losers, Start Hanging Out With Winners

Go To A Real Grocery Store Like Ralphs or Vons

Don't Take No For An Answer, If The Bank Rejects Your Loan Application, Buy The Bank And Then Approve Your Own Loan

Grow A Pair, Watch Football and MMA

Get A Real Hobby, Save That Hoity Toity Stuff For Old Ladies

Lose The Library Card, Books Might Make You Smart But They'll Never Make You A Winner

Note: The big announcement is right around the corner. Stay posted guys. The graphic designer responsible for the packaging had some setbacks, but everything else is ready to go. It should only be a matter of days now. The dream is soon.