The Undead: A Threat Assessment

It has become increasingly clear that our leaders have failed to draft an adequate plan in case of zombie attack. As international unrest, environmental disaster, and the prospect of more albums by the Mannheim Steamroller cloud our collective consciousness, vigilant citizens cannot allow this oversight to continue. Any credible threat analysis must begin with the essentials: How many are there? Where do they come from? Do they have any Coldplay tickets? What does this mean for the estate tax? Yet until now, few have had the courage to raise such questions.

Popular culture has done its best to step with helpful tips, yet this often creates more questions than it answers. We are told that zombies are easily identified by their sallow complexions, slack jaws, and sunken eyes, yet we are given no further guidance on how to distinguish them from Marc Anthony or graduate students in the humanities. Equally unhelpful is the common admonition to "destroy the brain" when confronted by a hostile zombie, as it wholly neglects the possibility that the zombie is from southern California.

Dr. Helmut Schmutzig, a noted professor of ectoplasm at the University of Grusselgrauen, contends that danger from zombies can be minimized by taking common sense measures like locking all doors and windows, avoiding all human contact, and storing a large hatchet under the bathroom sink. Professor Schmutzig also warns that the undead are far more prevalent than we realize, as evidenced by the recent discovery that the entire front court of the Golden State Warriors consists of re-animated corpses.

The experts are divided on how to classify the threat posed by the undead. The hawks claim that zombies can be destroyed using conventional weapons like machine guns, tanks, bombs, and network television. Others advocate a more measured approach, encouraging strategists to investigate the root causes of flesh-eating and the history of zombie-human relations. They point to instances like that of Jacques LePieu, an undead nobleman from 16th century France who surfaced at a Clay Aiken concert and promptly decided that he preferred the grave. Still others insist that we must engage in diplomatic talks with the walking dead, observing that zombies held in captivity demonstrated the ability to sing "Stormy Weather" while spinning dreidels on their foreheads.

Regardless of which path we ultimately choose, now is the time to begin a critical assessment of the zombie threat. This, unlike war, social security, and health care, is a liability that we cannot afford to pass on to the next generation.