Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Reflections of a Little League Baseball Standout

Hey readers, I'm Ronald Jeffrey, a standout little league baseball player from Mountain View, California. When people hear that I'm a local baseball icon, it's only natural that they'd want to know my thoughs on everything, from international relations to Euclidean geometry to where freckels come from (hint: They're drops from the sun). Before I begin, I'd just like to say that it's an honor to be writing alongside the likes of Harry the Partridge, Sasquatch, and, of course, the man, the myth, the legend, Rex Larry Championn. I feel almost as good as when Hengehold Trucking traded me to the Fish Market for Stanley Rosenberg, two batting helmets, and a few bags of Capri Sun to be named later.

I've had a few things on my mind lately. The latest came to me as I was lacing up my spikes for the game against Jim's Auto and Body Shop. I had just sharpened my toe cleat for good luck when I started thinking about the troop surge. What is our government thinking? Not only is our government sending troops into harm's way without adequate body armor, but they have not even been provided with Under Armour. How can we have homeland security if we cannot protect this house? It reminds me of the time we played a regionals game against Baji's Coffee Lane. Coach somehow sent us up to bat with only Mizuno bats, even though we specifically requested Easton. I said, "Coach, you may as well send me up there with a wet noodle," and all he could do was mumble "Seeball, hitball". After that game, I requested a trade to Wolf Camera.

Another thing I don't get is the Scooter Libby trial. All of us baseball standouts know how to take one for the team. It's like the time when Jimmy Newton got pegged in the nuts by Otto Computer Repair's best pitcher. He needed to get on base, so he stepped into the pitch. He took one for the team (and so did his "prospects" for continuing the Newton family line). When you see a guy like Scooter Libby take a fall for Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and his other teammates, you gotta applaud a stand-up guy like that.

As a little league star, I'm used to getting a lot of attention. People always ask me stuff like, "How did you go from teeball to pitching machine to PCL to Babe Ruth in just five seasons?", "What's the secret to batting .304245533 as a catcher?", and "How did you stay Athlete's Foot-free for three months last year?". I know that these feats sound amazing, but trust me, it's all possible if you're willing to do things that no one else will, like exercising to improve your peripheral vision. You can draw inspiration from popular culture, using movies like "Rocky", "Braveheart", and "300". I apply that same strategy to my English and Social Studies homework. If you think about it, there are few things in life that aren't analogous in some way to fictionalized violence, and those few things are probably related to gay people in some way. When we learned about capacitors in physics, I immediately thought of that scene in Braveheart where Braveheart tell them to hold the line until the last possible second [Edit: His name isn't Braveheart] before picking up the giant spears to kill the English guys. It also reminds me of the time I charged the mound when Andy Rosales threw a beanball at me in the Silicon Valley All-Stars game.

The other thing that people need to know is that life is all about getting in on the little secrets from people in the know. It's like when you go to GNC. You can settle for a few measly protein powders if you want, but all the knowledgeable people know that you have to recite the first five paragraphs of Dostoevsky's "The Idiot" from memory before they'll let you into the secret chamber where they keep the bovine growth hormone. As you go through life, be sure that you're getting the best information possible from the most informed people. Otherwise you might see your fortunes sink faster than my batting average did when I switched to a gluten-free, turnip-based diet on the advice of our middle school trainer. I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing from me, Ronald Jeffrey, again soon on Writing Rendezvous.

1 comment:

Andrew Smith said...

You're selling yourself short dude. 100 cases of Big League Chew were also part of that trade. I specifically remember that season because that was the year I tore my rotator cup.