Javier Marcos Fantasitco's Guide To Bail Bonds

Hey guys.

I'm back.

I think I have some explaining to do.

I was going to fill in for Rex Larry Champion as you know, but I had some, umm, some, how can I say this, I had some, umm, unplanned events transpire.

Ok, I'll level with you.

I was in jail.

Before you say anything, it's not what you think.

I didn't do ANYTHING, ok?

Not everyone who goes to jail is guilty, right? It's the American way. The presumption of innocence, you know?

Hear me out.

I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

That's all.

Here's how it happened.

I was eating fish and chips, right? And they were really stingy with the tartar sauce, so I wanted some of that malt vinegar because the fish was hella dry. Well as it turns out, the bottle of vinegar on my table was empty, so I walked over to another table and politely asked if I could use the vinegar. I swear, the guy at that table was on PCP or some shit, because he was giving me beef all like "no, it's my vinegar, now do you want to make something of it, fuck off!" His eyes were all crazy like Bill O'Reilly or Charles Manson, it really freaked me out man. I don't want no beef with this guy, I just want some vinegar, right? So I just walk away without saying a word, just play it cool. I still have a lemon wedge on my plate so I think ok, fuck it, good enough, I don't need no malt vinegar.

Now you wont believe what happens next.

This crazy ugly dude, gets up and follows me over to my table. I thought he's going to give me the vinegar, but instead he takes the bottle and hits me over the head with it. I'm like fuck, he did not just do that! So I don't think right, I just punch him in the face, because its instinct, you know?

As it turns out, this guy is a cop. So he pulls a taser out of his pants and he shocks me and then he kicks me in the back of the head and cuffs me and tells me I'm under arrest for assaulting an officer.

Can you believe that shit?

I didn't know he's a an officer when I hit him, and it's self defense man!

So this pig drove me off to jail and they booked my ass.

I want to get the hell out of this piss soaked hell hole, so the first thing I do is find out about bail bonds.

I looked in the phone book and there were a dizzying array of options:

A1 Bail Bonds

AAA Bail Bonds

Ace Bail Bonds

Acme Bail Bonds

Aladdin Bail Bonds

Angry Gorilla Bail Bonds

Apex Bail Bonds

Bad Boys Bail Bonds

Barry Bail Bonds

Chau's Bail Bonds & Dim Sum

Tom and Peter P. McDonough Bail Bonds



I decided on Bad Boys because the logo looked bad-ass.


I called my grandma and told her to go over to Bad Boys and bail me out.

A few hours later, I was a free man, but I had to report directly to Bad Boys to fill out some more paper work.

I walked in and got a dirty look, like I'm a criminal or some shit. The floor was sticky like the adult video store. Some short bald man who looked like Danny Devito was sitting on a stool behind a kevlar window with iron bars on it. He slid some forms under the window and asked me if I can read. Shit, of course I can read, how else would I know I was at the bail bonds place if I can't read the sign out front. He all dumb and stuff. Anyway, the form was just the basics, asking for all my info and explaining how they send a bounty hunter after your ass if you don't show in court. After that, they finger printed me and that was that, I was out. Right as I walked out the door, an unmarked Crown Victoria pulled up next to me and a man with a mustache shouted out at me "Hey buddy, how are you doing there? I'm driving to Mexico tonight, do you need a lift?" I almost said yes but then I thought, maybe it's a sting. Looking back, the mustache kind of gave it away. I'm glad I took the bus home.

That was my crazy adventure.

The moral of the story: never eat fish and chips.