Friday, June 1, 2007

Losers Cut Corners By Rex Larry Champion

I was thinking about it. What makes winners and losers? Are we really cut from a different cloth? Can losers ever become winners?

Lets face it, part of my job is helping losers, but sometimes its hard for me because I'm a winner. You see, sometimes I can't understand losers. I'm so successful, I don't know how to fail. I've been at the top of my game for so long, I don't remember how to lose.

That's how this all got started.

I discovered that if I want to help everyone be a winner, first I need to understand losers.

So I set out and decided to really study losers, see what makes them tick, see what makes them fail.

Only then can I help them to become winners.

The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ was designed for average guys looking to take it up a notch. It's still the best system in the world and I stand by it.

But as time passed I discovered that some guys are below average. I call these guys losers. Most of them wouldn't try The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ in the first place. If they did try it, I have to admit, it might not help them. Like I said, The System is designed for average guys. Losers have too many obstacles in the way for them to fully experience the ultimate potency for ultimate performance and satisfaction that comes from working The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™

That's what this is all about.

This article is designed to get losers up to speed so they can achieve the maximum results regular guys have been getting on The System since the beginning.

Here it is guys.

1.) Losers cut corners. I live 4 blocks from the grocery store, but when I shop, I park 9 blocks away so I get in an extra walk. Losers do everything they can to cut corners. Losers intentionally position their couch and TV close to the door so they wont have to move as far to let the Domino's guy in.

2.) Losers make excuses. "I don't want to buy the system, it's too expensive", "what if it doesn't work?", "it looks too hard", "I'll never be a success like RL Champion, why should I bother?"

3.) Losers watch life, Winners live it. Losers watch Joe Millionaire, I am a millionaire. Losers look at sports cars in magazines, I drive them. Losers look in the window of the gym and feel pangs of guilt as they walk passed into Arby's, I have the body everyone wants and I own that gym.

4.) Losers Cry. Pathetic.

5.) Losers associate with losers. If you throw an ice cube into a bucket of ice it wont melt as fast as if you throw it into boiling water. Losers insulate themselves with other losers so they don't notice the truth about themselves. They avoid winners at all costs. Truth hurts. Losers will never change until they look into an accurate mirror.

6.) Losers buy groceries at the liquor store or 7-11. You can't be your best you if you eat a Slim Jim, a moldy tuna salad sandwich under a heat lamp, and a Mike's Hard Lemonade for lunch.

7.) Losers take no for an answer. You can always tell a loser by the words "ok", or "I guess" when faced with rejection.

8.) Losers don't like sports. In sports there is always a winner and a loser. Losers hate seeing winners so much, they avoid it all costs. Losers hate sports because they know they will have to see a winner. In their world, there are no winners and losers, they fool themselves into thinking that they aren't playing the game. In reality, everyone is playing the game, and losers are losing the game.

9.) Losers pretend to like things to impress people. Losers care a lot about what other people think about them. They have nothing to stand on so they need to put on a big show to be liked. This often involves pretending to like things like wine or art or dog breeding. Winners love what they love and hate what they hate, they never pretend. Nobody is impressed by a loser pretending to like things. Everyone is impressed by a winner firm in his convictions.

10.) Losers read too many books. Books never made anyone a winner. What do most guys do after they read a book? That's right, they read another book. It's a vicious cycle (see #3: losers watch life, winners live it). Every winner could write a great book, but probably wont because he's too busy living life. Losers could never write a book, but most of them think they can.

Attention all losers:

Stop Cutting Corners

Stop Making Excuses, Buy The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™

Stop Watching Life, Start Living It

Don't Cry

Stop Hanging Out With Losers, Start Hanging Out With Winners

Go To A Real Grocery Store Like Ralphs or Vons

Don't Take No For An Answer, If The Bank Rejects Your Loan Application, Buy The Bank And Then Approve Your Own Loan

Grow A Pair, Watch Football and MMA

Get A Real Hobby, Save That Hoity Toity Stuff For Old Ladies

Lose The Library Card, Books Might Make You Smart But They'll Never Make You A Winner

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Note: The big announcement is right around the corner. Stay posted guys. The graphic designer responsible for the packaging had some setbacks, but everything else is ready to go. It should only be a matter of days now. The dream is soon.

RLC

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're not a winner. You're an arrogant douchebag. "Hard for me because I'm a winner," "I'm so successful, I don't know how to fail."

Parasite.

Anonymous said...

Wait wait wait, is this satire? Dude, if this is satire, I'm an asshat and you totally got me.