Ask Sasquatch

Q: You recently challenged four-time World’s Strongest Man winner Magnus Ver Magnuson to an arm wrestling match to raise awareness for the genocide in Darfur. Do you have any updates for us, what is going on with that?

A: I spoke with a representative from Magnus Ver Magnuson’s camp this morning and regrettably he has declined my offer. I’ve been brainstorming for months, trying to figure out how to best raise awareness for this important humanitarian issue, but it’s hard for an unstoppable powerhouse such as myself to find challengers. Before approaching Magnus, I had challenged Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut to a hot dog eating contest, but they declined as well.

Q: That’s a shame. Do you have any other ideas?

A: I have a tentative agreement to be Tucker Carlson’s dance partner for the new season of Dancing With The Stars, but that may pose problematic because Tucker is a heartless isolationist and I don’t want him to deflect the impact of my message.

Q: Sasquatch, when did you first become interested in humanitarian causes?

A: Existing in the world as a large ape-man, I have long known the sting of discrimination and persecution. It’s quite natural for me to side with the underdog. As long as there is injustice I will be angry. As long as there is war and famine and strife I will be there, fighting the good fight in whatever capacity I can.

Q: Do you have any heroes?

A: Edward R. Murrow gave me the courage to speak truth to power. Nelson Mandela taught me the value of perseverance and sacrifice (as well as the importance of committing acts of sabotage against infrastructure as a means of draining your enemy’s piggy bank). Ted Nugent for illuminating the superiority of venison and buffalo meat. Frank Sinatra for providing a soundtrack to my life. Jon Stewart for lowering the bar for comedy which in turn enabled me to get my first big break in show-biz.

Q: David Hasselhoff is conspicuously missing from your list.

A: Oh Yes, what was I thinking. Hassehoff is hero to all, a God among men.

Q: I wish this was an audio interview so that everyone could hear the biting tenor of your sarcasm. Sasquatch, do you ever watch television?

A: No, I have better things to do. Television is for those whom my associate Harry The Partridge would call ‘unlettered knob gobblers’.

Q: I heard you were approached with an offer to co-produce Woody Allen’s upcoming opera. Any truth to that rumor?

A: If I told you, I’d have to kill you.

Q: Sasquatch, what do you think of all the 9/11 conspiracy theories floating around the internets?

A: Well, I must say, I’m ambivalent about the conspiracy crowd. On one hand, they’re one of the few groups that actually recognizes my existence (which I find quite flattering), on the other hand, they believe in a lot of nonsense like UFOs and the like. So as to the 9/11 conspiracy theories, I’m still somewhat on the fence. I find it hard to believe the government would have the competence to pull off such a feat. What I will say is that I’m certain WTC 7 was a controlled demolition. Does this mean that the US Government planned 9/11? Of course not. Tim Osman is surely to blame. Look, if the government had a brain, they would send ME out into those ungoverned areas in Pakistan to hunt down Bin Laden. A Sasquatch would be far more effective in that inhospitable region than special ops.

Q: I’m sensing some real frustration, Sasquatch.

A: It’s hard to be me. I can do it all, but nobody trusts me. If the government could get over it’s prejudices or at minimum extend something like the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy to Sasquatches or Yetis, we would have captured Bin Laden a long time ago.

Q: Who do you like for 2008?

A: Joe Biden. You know he’s half-sasquatch, right?

Q: What’s the other half?

A: You’re a funny man.

Q: You’re rumored to be a connoisseur of fine cigars. Are you alarmed by the proposal to levy a $10/per stogie federal tax (a whopping increase over the current 5¢ tax) to partially pay for a children’s health insurance initiative which congress should have funded with money that was instead squandered on Iraq?

A: It does make a certain kind of logic. Who are these sick kids anyway? I imagine many of them are life-long cigar smokers. Who better to pay the tab than those cigar-smoking sick kids.

Q: Sasquatch, what do you think about Sean “The Muscle Shark” Sherk’s recent positive test for steroids.

A: It makes Baby Jesus cry.

Q: Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?

A: You’re looking at him baby, you’re looking at him. Wait. Ask me again.

Q: What?

A: Ask me again.

Q: Uh, who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?

A: Bill Clinton.

Q: Ok Sasquatch, I can dig it, and I know that you knew that I would. Let’s move along now. George W. Bush is scheduled to undergo a colonoscopy tomorrow and Dick Cheney will be temporarily left in charge. Scared?

A: Sounds like good news to me. Maybe they’ll find George Bush’s head.