Thursday, May 17, 2007

Zombie Update: The Other Inconvenient Truth

The public is in grave danger. And we do mean grave.

The undead menace is spreading like mold on a cheese yet the public remains woefully uninformed.

Despite a 5000% increase in zombie attacks in the past 6 months, fewer than 12% of respondents in a recent Sasquatch/RLC poll believed zombies pose a moderate or severe threat.

More disturbing still, fewer than 5% of people polled could name specific zombies despite their ubiquity in the public arena.

Public ignorance about this issue, perhaps the most important issue of our time, is befuddling to zombie experts such as Dr. Michael Wentworth, chair of the Zombie Studies department at Oregon State University. We sat down with Dr. Wentworth and asked him to share his insights on this important issue.

Writing Rendezvous: What's your take on the seeming public ignorance regarding today's zombie threat?

Dr. Wentworth: I'm flabbergasted by the public's ignorance on this issue, flabbergasted. I've been tracking the undead for over two and a half decades, and what we are witnessing now is unparalleled. Not since Michael Jackson's Thriller have zombies been more visible, yet they are strangely invisible to the average spectator. What we see here is that people lack the expertise to effectively differentiate between the living and the undead. In essence, people are being fooled. It's a troubling development, deeply troubling. If the current trend continues, our research indicates that mankind may be completely obliterated by 2040.

WR: What do you foresee in the near future, say the next year or two?

DW: Zombies are becoming emboldened by their lack of detection. They are beginning to kill with abandon, even in the light of day, even before large crowds.

WR: Who is at greatest risk for a zombie attack?

DW: Nobody should consider themselves safe, with the possible exceptions of members of Project for a New American Century and The Heritage Foundation, but it should be noted that zombies disproportionately prey on children, the elderly, and persons with disabilities. I was on hand when confirmed zombie Denis Kusinich viciously attacked this young man and attempted to devour his brains.

WR: What can the public do to spot zombies?

DW: Stay vigilant for the following markers:

•Zombies always bare their teeth moments before an attack

•Pathological lying. For example, zombies often make false statements such as:
'I was talking to a single hispanic mother in Iowa with 2 1/2 children who was having trouble getting Medicaid to pay for her life-saving prescription drugs, which reminds me of another women I spoke to in New Hampshire last week who was concerned about social security keeping up with the rising cost of living.'

•Zombies often have stiff, awkward manners, and may emit a foul stench.

•They are often spotted at fundraising galas and baseball games (the latter being a ploy to gain acceptance as live human beings).

WR: Is there anything else?

DW: I will provide Writing Rendezvous with several of the most clarifying pictures of zombies taken in the past five years or so in hopes that your readers may become more adept at identifying the undead.

WR: Thank you for your time professor.

We now urge our readers to please take a moment and study the photographic evidence. Please spread the word. The zombie threat facing us today is very real. If we don't act soon, drowning polar bears will seem the least of mankind's worries.

Zombie baring its teeth moments before devouring the brains of its unsuspecting victim

Zombie lunging for more sweet brains

Zombie before another vicious strike

Zombies baring teeth before attack

Zombie exhibiting peculiar behavior pattern

Zombies devouring hoagies (believed to contain sweet sweet brains)

Zombie looks for the kill

Zombie frustrated by lack of brains in the room during Senate Intelligence meeting

Zombie wearing disguise


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