Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Breaking News: Patrick Kennedy Found Sober
(Washington DC) Speaking on the condition of anonymity, staffers working for Representative Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) informed Writing Rendezvous that Kennedy was spotted sober today. Staffers initially became suspicious after the distinguished congressman was seen walking in a straight line. After a series of meetings in which he failed to slur his words, they knew something was amiss. The smoking gun came directly after Kennedy cast a vote for Barney Frank’s amendment on H.R.3074: to the amazement of everyone present (and three or four elderly people watching c-span), Kennedy stayed on the floor rather than making his usual beeline to the men’s to take a swig from his boot flask.
“I couldn’t believe it. Patrick Kennedy was dry as a bone” one staffer relayed “At first some of us speculated that maybe he had a weird schedule, like he’d been partying all night and hadn’t been to bed yet. You know, like he was just waiting a few hours to start drinking again. But then we realized, it’s not like him to show up to work the day after hard partying. His breath didn’t even smell like liquor. To be honest, we were tempted to call the Secret Service because it almost seemed like he was an impostor. We heard that he was drenched in the sauce even when he was in rehab a few months ago. Patrick Kennedy without his hooch is like a fish out of water, we’re all very worried about him.”
This isn’t the first time a Kennedy has been found sober. One afternoon in 1971, Patrick’s father, Edward Kennedy was rumored to have been sober.