Monday, May 14, 2007

Bob Barker is Retiring After 60 Years on Air

What Do You Think?

Zan Guerry CEO, Chattem, Makers of Gold Bond Medicated Powder

"The retirement of Bob Barker is a fatal blow. We are in the process of filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy."

Pam, FSU Sophomore. Major: Undeclared

"Bob Barker gave me a spring break to remember- on Price is Right College Week that is! I'll never forget, some jerk from Texas A&M overbid by $90,000 so I totally won! I got a speed boat, a year's supply of Gold Bond Medicated Powder and a some-expenses-paid trip to Orlando Florida!"

Joseph Henderson of the CDC

"A recent study indicates that 70% of senior citizens in the United States watch The Price is Right on a daily basis. In assisted living centers, this number climbs to 98%. The study further finds that a staggering 87% of senior citizens who watch The Price is Right receive no other form of mental stimulation. The authors warn that if this outlet for passing the time in a semi-vegetative state were to suddenly disappear, as many as 20 million of our senior citizens would literally die of boredom within two weeks time. The remainder would likely experience a decrease in quality of life associated with increased crossword puzzle abuse along with a rise in backgammon related injuries. In light of these alarming findings and in response to thousands of letters from concerned family members and public health officials, the CDC wishes to reassure the public that it is doing everything in it's power to stave off the looming crisis. Today we are announcing that the CDC, working closely with the FCC, is commiting bold regulatory action to ensure that reruns of The Price is Right will continue until at least 2047. Thankfully, Bob Barker has left enough material in the vault so that a single cycle of reruns could continue until 2067 if need be. We ask that you remain calm as the transition from new episodes to reruns takes place. We have it on good information that Bob Barker has been wearing the same clothes since the early 1960s and the majority of seniors have too poor a grasp of the inflation of the past 40 years for them to notice that The Price is Right has gone into reruns. We therefore expect this transition to be mostly seamless and we would like to thank all of you for sharing your concerns with us and for your patience and cooperation in this matter."

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