Ask Bill

Considered by some to be the greatest poet of the English language, William Wordsworth was a literary giant of the 18th and 19th centuries. Although his name remains synonymous with English romanticism, the wisdom of William Wordsworth is now available to loyal Writing Rendezvous readers through the miracle of the Internet.

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Dear Bill,

I want to leave my husband. He every night he comes home late and intoxicated. Last week he lost his job at the warehouse when he tried to re-enact the "Dick in a Box" skit. I feel like we're drifting apart, but I don't know if I'm ready to be on my own and am leaning towards staying together for the kids. What can you recommend?

-A.F.
Fayetteville, Arkansas

Dear A.F.,

Your letter, harsh and discordant like a thousand clattering hammers beating against wet rubberized pavement while an Apache helicopter hovers overhead, strikes at the depths of my heart. Often have I meandered distractedly through luxurious fields of heather, exposing myself to harmful UV rays and increasing my risk of contracting Lyme disease tenfold, pondering the intractable riddle of how to rid oneself of a husband that makes Johnny Knoxville seem senatorial. The answer lies not with mortal men, but in the sage whispers of the wind, the gentle laughter of a woodland spring, and the incomprehensible dialog of The Red Green Show.

Regards,
W.W.

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Dear Bill,

I can't make up my mind whether or not Pluto is a planet. I just don't understand the criteria. Is it mass? composition? shape? the fact that it's the planet most likely to be mistaken for a Gobstopper? I'd appreciate any clarity you could bring to this matter.

R.G.
Duluth, Georgia


Dear R.G.,

It is not for man to know the inner workings of the heavens any more than it is for him to know why BART stops at San Francisco airport before going to the Millbrae CalTrain station. I mean seriously, isn't it worth to make the tourists wait a few extra minutes to benefit the real commuters? I know what it is to be Pluto: forlorn, ashen, a mere speck clinging to the edge of existence. I feel this way whenever my wife has guests over for dinner. Once in a state of crimson passion I ascended the lofty tower of Westminster Abbey, driven by omniscient, heavenly spirits of hazy, bygone ages. I wailed into the darkness, "Let Pluto be known as a planet! Restore it to the majesty it deserves as a desolate beacon of light staving off the frigid darkness of the unkown!" I then called the fire department and asked them to bring one of the trucks with a ladder mounted on the back. Nothing happened to Pluto, but my horse did place the next day at the racetrack.

Regards,
W.W.

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Dear Bill,

With the Warriors eliminated from the playoffs, what are your thoughts on a possible match up between the Utah Jazz and the San Antonio Spurs in the Western Conference Finals?

Best,
T.J.
Yonkers, New York


Dear T.J.,

I would rather watch phlegm coagulate at the bottom of a urinal than subject myself to San Antonio Spurs basketball. Has there ever been a team whose soporific style of play is surpassed only by a roster with less personality than a hermit crab? Seriously. Given the choice between watching Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire, and Shawn Marion or Tim Duncan and the Eurotrash All-Stars, which would you pick? And I'm sick of hearing how about how ill Tony Parker's game is. That guy needs to understand that he's French and should stick to what he knows best: Cunnilingus and not bathing. And don't even get me started on the Jazz. Is there any further proof that mixing basketball and Republicans is about as appealing as Mitt Romney in a FUBU sweatshirt? Not only do they have Andrei Kirilenko, who is the Soviet Bloc's answer to Skeletor, but Mehmet Okur? In a rattail?? No NBA team should ever field a roster where 40 percent of the starting lineup can say the word "discothek"without flinching. No exaggeration: I would rather watch the Karate Kid fight Chuck Liddell with PRIDE rules than subject myself to a minute of Spurs vs. Jazz.

Best,
W.W.