Friday, August 13, 2010

Interview with Terrence Rumplebottom IV

Writing Rendezvous recently had the opportunity to sit down with noted academic Terrence Rumplebottom IV, current holder of the Augustus Breastus Chair of Barbarian Studies at Cambridge University. Below are the highlights of our illuminating discussing with Rumplebottom, in which we discussed various issues of global import including war, peace, the Twilight Saga, and why personal hygiene and eco-awareness can never truly coexist.

WR: Thanks for joining us, Professor Rumplebottom. We have reached a pivotal point in American history: the largest financial reform bill in decades was recently signed into law, we are in the process of concluding two major foreign wars, and the Kardashian sisters' relationship may be beyond repair. Can you think of another time in our history that has been filled with such tumult?

Rumplebottom: The only period that immediately comes to mind is the presidential election of 1742, which pitted Taft against Roosevelt. The country was heavily divided over a number of pivotal questions. Should they make peace with the Klingons and war with the Romulans? Peace with the Cardassians and war with the Ferengi? In the back country, farmers were in open revolt over whether "fish and chips" should be renamed "fish and fries." Some demanded a Gold Standard, while others insisted upon paper money. A third faction remained devoted to Pepsi reward points. Wheel of Fortune was a new and untested concept.

WR: Many people feel that the recent health care reform effort amounts to "government healthcare." What is your perspective?

Rumplebottom: We rely on the government for so many things. Without the federal government, there would be no one to deliver the mail, defend the borders, and tell us where to stand in line at the DMV. The current healthcare system is extremely stratified. The wealthiest Americans have access to the best doctors and hospitals in the world. The middle class must resort to leaches. The most deprived must receive treatment at Kaiser. Something must be done to alleviate this disparity.

WR: You taught Harry the Partridge when he read at Cambridge. What can you tell us about Harry's early life?

Rumplebottom: Harry was a dedicated student and quite resilient. Many people do not know this, but Harry nearly succumbed to avian flu several months before his final examinations after eating bad seeds in Hong Kong during Winter Mass vacation. Harry was particularly gifted in languages and the fine arts. It was said that he moved the eyes in the Portrait of Gertrude Stein using only his mind. He also came from a very humble background, as his mother was a carrier pigeon for Federal Express and his father was severely injured in a hunting accident by Dick Cheney's grandfather. What he has accomplished is truly amazing.

WR: Before we conclude, I'd like briefly to get your thoughts on Axe Body Spray...

Rumplebottom: That commercial with the man shooting water out of his armpits is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen.

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