Washington (Sasquatch Wire) -- Obama’s audacious dream to further American hegemony while keeping his hands cleaner than his predecessor via the strategic application of soft power has been plagued by early problems and the ramifications are grave. Last year’s Green Revolution in Iran started out promising and ended in dismal failure while greatly weakening the United States in the eyes of Israel, which is now on the fast track to launching strikes against Iran without American blessings. Obama’s failure on Iran during his first year in office may prove to become one of the defining legacies of his presidency. Recent revelations show CIA incompetence may be more to blame than problems with Obama’s strategic acumen.
From day one Obama made a top priority of covertly backing color revolutions in an attempt to change the world on the cheap, modeling his attempts roughly after earlier CIA (or occasionally George Soros) -backed successes such as the Polish Solidarity Movement, the Orange Revolution in Ukraine, Rose Revolution in Georgia etc.
To that end, Obama ordered the CIA to get serious and throw their whole weight behind the Mujahidin, which Writing Rendezvous sources have characterized as a “half-hearted, half-assed project the CIA had been dicking around with for years. The mission experienced significant drift as they went from playing cards and drinking scotch to killing half of their assets in Iraq for no particular reason.” Obama also demanded the CIA revamp their other assorted shenanigans in Iran, yelling at them to “quit jerking off, I don’t want another Bay of Pigs” according to a source familiar with the conversation.
In one plan nixed by Obama, the CIA had planned to kidnap Ayatollah Ali Khamenei (jokingly called the EyeBrowTollah in intelligence circles) and shave his eyebrows off in the hopes an eyebrowless Ayatollah would lose respect and quickly be deposed from power. The CIA seems to be working out of the same play book that led it to an attempt against Castro’s beard in the 60’s [editor’s note: this isn’t a joke, the CIA really did try to make Castro’s beard fall out by putting thallium salts in his boots in hopes the seat of his power would fall to the floor along with his whiskers].
In another ongoing franchise, the CIA has been editing all American TV shows to contain propaganda for the Iranian market. Iranians are quite fond of tuning into Baywatch using their satellite dishes (frequently confiscated by the government and just as frequently replaced in an endless cycle of mirth). While it is generally held that the theocrats take issue with silicone juggs, it appears Iranian leaders have a quite rational objection to the satellite dishes given the modified content being broadcast into Iranian living rooms. For example, David Hasselhoff’s character on Baywatch is quite given to ridiculing Amadinijhad, often calling him a turkish whore, midget, camel-fucker, homosexual, or jew.
The version of Obama’s Cairo speech aired in Iran contained scarcely-veiled references to ‘follow The Hoff, for like Muhammad, he is a prophet of sorts’.
As if the situation couldn’t get more chaotic, in a shocking turn of events this week WikiLeaks unsheathed documents proving that for years the CIA has been erroneously backing the Jem'Hadar inside of Iran instead of the Mujahidin.
This new revelation of CIA incompetence couldn’t come at a worse time for Obama as hawks in the Department of Defense have been wriggling the reins away from the soft-power camp, reanimating the spectre of direct military confrontation in Iran, Syria, North Korea, Pakistan, Northern Africa, and the Gamma Quadrant. Eager to disrupt Chinese oil supply, Ferengi and Dominion cargo vessels will be targeted at the onset of any military conflict and the United States will act aggressively to seize control of all oilfields and pipelines in the galaxy.
When the revised version of the 2007 National Intelligence Estimate comes out, hawks plan to kill two birds with one stone by overstating Iran’s nuclear progress and implicating The Ferengi in a seized shipment of gold-pressed latinum bound for Iran found to be hiding bars of uranium.
Bringing the NIE into alignment with MI6 and Mossad assertions will isolate Obama and make his reliance on diplomacy and soft power increasingly difficult to defend. War is looking more likely and any shakeup of the CIA may be too little, too late given the scope of its problems.
During a heated closed congressional hearing Tuesday which Harry The Partridge was able to sneak into, the former CIA director tried to defend the damning mistake. “I offered Obama my resignation this morning but you know as well as I that intelligence agencies have blind spots. Jem’Hadar, Mujahidin- They sound almost exactly the same, it was an honest mistake. This project has been underfunded for years and we still lack adequate translators. Compounding the problem, the Jem’Hadar and Mujahidin dress and speak in a very similar fashion. We need congress to shower money on the CIA to punish us for our dismal failure.”
Speculation now abounds as to what role the mistake played in the underwhelming Green Movement and whether it is too late for a second shot.
Political analyst Sasquatch comments “This revelation is a double edged sword for Obama. On one hand it is a terrible foreign policy embarrassment; although this has been going on since Clinton or Bush 41, the leak happened on Obama’s watch so he owns it now. On the other hand, it allows him to make the case of ‘Give me more time; If the Mujahidin-e-Khalq get the support originally intended, we may still cultivate a sufficiently destabilizing force- that extra little push we need so the next color revolution in Iran will stick.’ Obama may get somewhere with this line of argumentation as many stomachs are queazy these days about war with Iran. As I speak, you can guarantee that the CIA has withdrawn support for the Jem’Hadar and we are now sitting down with the Mujahidin to talk shop. It is likely that future sanctions and possible face-to-face talks with Iranian leaders are little more than stall tactics, designed more than anything to keep Israel's finger off the trigger while we continue to work aggressively on transforming Iran from within. A new propaganda team is desperately needed to make David Hasselhoff’s call for revolution more persuasive. Whatever happens we must hope the CIA has learned from its past mistakes and is now giving the Iranian Mujahidin the support it needs to succeed and nothing more, we mustn’t forget this is a marriage of convenience and it can come back to bite us down the road if we are not careful; the last thing we need is to see the Mujahidin armed with photon-torpedoes.”