Thursday, January 24, 2008

Common Motifs: A Survey of Best Practices from Yelp.com

Vituperative:

Felix's Tapas
5722 Brick Street
Santa Clara, CA

*

"I would rather have a bowl of rancid paella injected into my stomach via an enema than eat at Felix's Tapas again. Even though there were only 11 other people in line, it took almost 3 minutes for the hostess to acknowledge our presence. She even had the gall to ask me how many there were in our party. Was she blind? Could she not see that there were two other people next to me without having it explained to her like an inbred Irish setter? What's more, as soon as I got home I developed an acute pain in my hamstring that I'm convinced must have been caused by sitting on a used hypodermic needle that was discarded onto their filthy upholstery. Honestly, is it too much to ask for a mid-priced family restaurant to have a sharps biohazard disposal on site? I guess I should have expected as much from a place that doesn't accept either Diner's Club or Discover. I know I won't be back here any time soon..."

Doug R.
Pleasant Hill, CA

Dialectical:

Touchdown Sports Bar
4561 Webster St.
Alameda, CA

***

"Pros: Several big-screen high definition TVs, attractive hostesses, serves only the finest liquors and imported beers, free salted nuts
Cons: Only shows bass fishing, staff ignores you, cash only, single-stall bathrooms
Conclusion: The perfect place to watch sports you don't want to see in high definition while continuing to be ignored by attractive women who refuse to sell you any of their high quality stock because you didn't bring cash and even if you wanted to drink you couldn't because you'd start retaining water and spending most of the time in the line for the bathroom."

Mike J.
San Jose, CA

Prevaricatory:

Gruntz Sports Gym
123 Capp Street
San Francisco, CA

***

"I started training here during the off-hours when I'm not adding to my undefeated record in K-1 and Shooto. I was referred here by Rex Larry Champion after agreeing to help him train to fight Rickson Gracie. My main complaint is that they don't have dumbells that go up to 600 pounds. Can you believe that? What about those of us who chest press 1500 pounds? This gym is a little dirtier than the one I'm used to, but maybe that's because I'm usually recognized at the more high-end facilities, where they typically end up giving me latex gloves and sterile scrubs so that the weak juice from the other patrons doesn't get all over my extremities. In the end I stopped training here because, after all, fitness isn't my entire life and I realized that I ought to devote more time to all the hotties hitting me up on the cell 24/7."

George L.
Palo Alto, CA

Pretentious:

Dirty Drawers Records Store
9899 Lawrence Blvd.
San Mateo, CA

**

"As soon as I entered this store it became clear that, despite their claim to specialize in post-hip, deconstructionist, quasi-transmorgifical death grunge, they are actually more influenced by the Borgian, pseudo-metal, urban hillbilly movement. It took less than 5 seconds for me to realize that they were playing a first-release, analog copy of Baked Potato with Chives's seminal release 'No Baco-Bits'. Unfortunately, their credibility was sorely undermined by the fact that they apparently did not have the gold-plated Japanese import version released in 1987. I'd say more, but I'm overdue to chain smoke a few Swisher Sweets in order to cultivate a greater physical resemblance to Lou Reed on a meth binge."

Eric G.
Menlo Park, CA

Self-Aggrandizing:

Mike's Tiling
311 Page Mill
Palo Alto, CA

*****



"I started Mike's five years ago with one goal: To create the best tiling store between California Avenue and San Antonio Road. I'm proud to say that I've done that. With over 500 selections to choose from, including a wide variety of ceramics and natural stones, we also have an extensive color palette that ranges from Englishman White to Venture Capitalist Green. Mike's also features a knowledgeable and attentive staff, over 70% of whom can claim to have a permanent address. While we realize that you have many choices in determining who ought to tile the 3,000 sq. foot foyer of your tacky, overgrown maison idéal in Midtown, rest assured that Mike's has everything you need."

Mike G.
Sunnyvale, CA

Superfluous:

Beacon Gas Station
6444 El Camino Real
San Carlos, CA

***

"Accept all major credit cards. Lights turned on at night for customer convenience. Conveniently labeled buttons to distinguish between 87, 90, and 92 Octane levels. Posted warnings against topping off seldom enforced. Above average selection of Slim Jims."

Don I.
Foster City, CA

Veracious:

Yamamoto Sushi
1222 Castro Street
Mountain View, CA

*****

"I have nothing substantive to say, but check out my profile picture of me in a string bikini and come heavy with the compliments!"

Susie N.
Mountain View, CA

2 comments:

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Ryan said...

Hahahahahahahahaha "George L."

Man you guys need to write more, this blog is gold