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A Villanelle by Harry the Partridge

A multiverse isn’t somewhere to be

Stretch your mind ‘till it bends and you’ll see

A multiverse is manywhere to be

Walk forward or back

What you get’s what you see, or is it?

A multiverse isn’t somewhere to be

Walk straight or walk gay or walk fast

All at once perhaps you’ll all three

A multiverse is manywhere to be

In times of distress oh to jump

From one parallel to the next, any but this, but alas

A multiverse isn’t somewhere to be

Heartening hope harvested from a thriving tree

The knowledge of manythings different though unseen

A multiverse is manywhere to be

As long as I’m me there’s no hope I can see

Can I finally rest knowing I’m we?

A multiverse isn’t somewhere to be

A multiverse is manywhere to be

Men’s Health Isn’t Just About Boners By Rex Larry Champion

Men’s Health is a sensitive issue for a lot of guys, but it doesn’t have to be.

You see, the other guys want you to think that Men’s health is just about boners.

Thanks to the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™, guys who use the system don’t need to sweat it. After working the system, most guys become so spectacular, their wives and girlfriends practically need sunglasses from the ultimate brilliance of their package.

To sum up this first point, my RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ makes boner problems a thing of the past.

So what’s left?

A lot of guys think that boners are all there is to Men’s health, so now that we conquered it, I can just pack up my gym bag and drive home, right?

That’s taking the easy way out and if there’s one thing my readers know by now, RL Champion never takes the easy way out. Taking the easy way out is for nancy boys who forever vanquish their aspirations with quitting. You can’t quit it, you have to keep churning these articles out for your loyal readers, churn it out.

I’m here today to let the world know there’s a lot more to Men’s health than boners.

I know I’ve lost some of you, because this flies in the face of everything you’ve ever been taught. Bear with me. By the time you’re done reading this article, you’ll be armed with the knowledge that Men’s health is more than you think, and more than you ever thought possible.

Men’s health is about being able to bench press the Sears Tower.

There, I said it. I know, most guys think that bench pressing the Sears Tower is impossible. That’s only because they never worked the Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ to get past the boner thing. Once the boner thing is a thing of the past, there’s a whole new world of Men’s health you never knew about it. I wouldn’t lie. It’s a simple fact that I bench press the Sears Tower every morning.

I know some of you smart readers are saying to yourselves “No way he benches the Sears every day when he lives all the way in Santa Monica. RLC has personal jets but it would get way too tedious commuting like that. Nobody works out every day anyway; even RL Champion needs time to rest and recover between workouts. Wouldn’t it be so much easier to bench press the U.S. Bank Tower in downtown LA?”

There’s so much wrong with the statement I need to go point by point.

First, I used to work out every day of the week, but I found that I wasn’t quite getting the RESULTS I wanted. I discovered that my routine was perfect, which is when I made the shocking discovery that it was the 7-day week standing in my way. So I developed an 8th day of the week. I call it Champday but if you decide to move to an 8-day week, you can call it anything you like.

Before you jump in and say you’re planning to move to a 9-day week, don’t even bother, I tried it and all it did was put me in that barren no-man's land of diminishing returns. 8 days is optimal. Most guys work out 5 or 6 days a week. I work out 8 days a week. So anyone who hears that you can’t work out every day is wrong.

I admit it, I used to bench press the U.S. Bank Tower all the way back when it was First Interstate World Center. That’s when I first started discovering the secrets of true Men’s health. But soon I needed a bigger challenge so I moved on to curling the WTC and the Petronas Towers before eventually deadlifting the Golden Gate Bridge and bench pressing the Sears Tower. The Sears is my favorite lift so I do it every day.

Yes, it’s true that I have personal jets. That’s the only thing you got right. I like to fly them for fun and I do reverse crunches while hanging from the ailerons with my toes. But anyone who tells you that I fly to Chicago every morning is lying to you because the simple truth is that I don’t fly from Santa Monica to Chicago, I jog.

Being able to jog from Santa Monica to Chicago is another pillar of Men’s health most guys will never experience.

I have a client who has been working the system who jogs from Moscow to London every morning to bench press Big Ben. Pretty impressive huh? Well I’m not impressed. I forgot to mention, when I jog from Santa Monica to Chicago, I don’t run East, I run West. Sometimes I go for an extra lap all the way around the globe before I get there. I told you, RL Champion never takes the easy way out. Running the short way from Santa Monica to Chicago is like cutting corners, you just don’t do it if you’re after Ultimate Satisfaction and Ultimate Results for Ultimate Performance and Ultimate Results. Ultimate Men’s Health is not easy, I wont lie to you. It’s hard work. But the other option is to sit at home wondering why those other programs just aren’t working for you.

I could give you even more secrets of Men’s health, but this information is just too valuable to share all at once. You guys have to spend some time to think about what you just learned. I want all of you to hunger for Men’s health. Stay tuned for the next installment and until then, remember these words: STRENGTH isn’t what you do or who you are or even how much you make, it’s about thrusting past the road blocks in the road and moving beyond them, move it out, move to your wildest dreams forever so you never look backwards to regrets but only ahead to everlasting glory and ultimate potency for peak performance and ultimate Men’s health.

RL. Champion

Crap, it's going to be a long day...

Looks like they brought back the 2 for 1 special at Long John Silver's.

Pass the Tofurkeyducken, Please

Ingredients:

3 lb. turkey, with gizzards removed, then replaced, then assembled to create a scale model of the Great Mosque of Cordoba
2 tsp salt
3 Tbsp cooking oil or 1 Tbsp of drippings from Steven Lavin's hair
2 loaves of organic, whole-wheat artisan bread
1/2 cup sage
2 cups chicken broth
1 lemon
1 bunch of cilantro
1 tsp whole peppercorns

1. Assemble ingredients 4 hours before guests are scheduled to arrive.
2. Brine turkey in a mixture of saltwater, pepper, and sage for 3 hours.
3. Realize that you were supposed to brine the turkey for at least 48 hours. Use internet to locate the nearest Boston Market.
4. Place chicken broth in a large saucepan. Bring to boil.
5. Continue to boil until fully evaporated.
6. Attempt to recapture the broth vapor by flailing a measuring cup around for five minutes.
7. Grind the peppercorns and cilantro together with a mortar and pestle. If the pestle breaks, use the artisan bread.
8. Use a diamond saw to quarter the artisan bread. Place it in a paper bag. Donate it to Second Harvest Food Bank.
9. Check the score of the Lions game.
10. Study family photo album to ensure that you are able to correctly identify all extended relatives, as well as their prior convictions.
11. Offer neighbors $100 for their cooked turkey, $200 if they will throw in a honeybaked ham.
12. Order Chinese.

5 Reasons Why I Can Not Vote For John McCain By Harry The Partridge

There are a number of reasons why I can not vote for John McCain, the least of which that I am ineligible as a British citizen (to make no mention of my status as a partridge.)

No matter, there are reasons why my conscience would forbid me from ever voting for John McCain even if I legally could, five to be precise.


One: John McCain vehemently and even physically opposed the Virginia Plan at the constitutional convention, at one point punching James Madison in the face and calling him a "lopped-off dog member not fit for a Scottish dinner table". McCain took particular issue with Madison's suggestion that the Articles of Confederation be modified to "accomplish the objects proposed by their institution". McCain instead favored an approach of ineptitude as laid out in the New Jersey Plan which resolved that each state would be represented by a chicken, 12 sheep, and 37 pigs. Ever the maverick, John McCain kept his protest alive for over two centuries by hiring only fowl, sheepish, or porcine staffers to work under him during his long tenure in the Senate. John McCain: wrong in 1787, wrong in 2008.

Two: According to reliable internet sources, John McCain is a level 33 Freemason, loyal to the craft.

Three: Insert Sarah Palin joke here.

Four: That filthy septic John McCain still calls us limeys.

Five: it is alarmingly easy to imagine John McCain as a Tin Tin character. Surely such a man is not fit to be head of state in the 21st century.
"Even with the burqa, you still look like a trollop"

Notes From Pecking, By Roscoe Hammond

Eyes from around the globe are on the Pecking extravaganza as the latest chapter in this quadrennial saga is seared into the history books. As the assembled crowd marvels at the high-flying feats of our most shining specimens of athletics, any personage in attendance would have it be that this were the ultimate Olympiad, the games to end all games. I am with you today so it be known that this couldn't be further from the truth. For what is now held in high regard by our sporting companions is but a pale imitation of the unsullied games of yesteryear. With modern tinctures and tonics like EPO and hGH it is possible to be fast and strong, but where may I ask is the finesse, the style, the heart and soul? With little more than some ground ox testicle and elbow grease as training companions in the weeks leading up to the big event, I boldly transported a locomotive from Chicago to St. Louis using only my teeth to mark the opening ceremony of the 1904 Olympic Games in St. Louis. I went on to win three gold medals in the biceps curl, the situp, and the freestyle kettle ball prance. My kettle ball routine was so moving that men of good and low breeding alike were brought together in tears, weeping for weeks at my magnificence. How many men has Michael Phelps brought to tears?