Zombie Update

Status: Confirmed

Zombie Update: The Other Inconvenient Truth

The public is in grave danger. And we do mean grave.

The undead menace is spreading like mold on a cheese yet the public remains woefully uninformed.

Despite a 5000% increase in zombie attacks in the past 6 months, fewer than 12% of respondents in a recent Sasquatch/RLC poll believed zombies pose a moderate or severe threat.

More disturbing still, fewer than 5% of people polled could name specific zombies despite their ubiquity in the public arena.

Public ignorance about this issue, perhaps the most important issue of our time, is befuddling to zombie experts such as Dr. Michael Wentworth, chair of the Zombie Studies department at Oregon State University. We sat down with Dr. Wentworth and asked him to share his insights on this important issue.

Writing Rendezvous: What's your take on the seeming public ignorance regarding today's zombie threat?

Dr. Wentworth: I'm flabbergasted by the public's ignorance on this issue, flabbergasted. I've been tracking the undead for over two and a half decades, and what we are witnessing now is unparalleled. Not since Michael Jackson's Thriller have zombies been more visible, yet they are strangely invisible to the average spectator. What we see here is that people lack the expertise to effectively differentiate between the living and the undead. In essence, people are being fooled. It's a troubling development, deeply troubling. If the current trend continues, our research indicates that mankind may be completely obliterated by 2040.

WR: What do you foresee in the near future, say the next year or two?

DW: Zombies are becoming emboldened by their lack of detection. They are beginning to kill with abandon, even in the light of day, even before large crowds.

WR: Who is at greatest risk for a zombie attack?

DW: Nobody should consider themselves safe, with the possible exceptions of members of Project for a New American Century and The Heritage Foundation, but it should be noted that zombies disproportionately prey on children, the elderly, and persons with disabilities. I was on hand when confirmed zombie Denis Kusinich viciously attacked this young man and attempted to devour his brains.

WR: What can the public do to spot zombies?

DW: Stay vigilant for the following markers:

•Zombies always bare their teeth moments before an attack

•Pathological lying. For example, zombies often make false statements such as:
'I was talking to a single hispanic mother in Iowa with 2 1/2 children who was having trouble getting Medicaid to pay for her life-saving prescription drugs, which reminds me of another women I spoke to in New Hampshire last week who was concerned about social security keeping up with the rising cost of living.'

•Zombies often have stiff, awkward manners, and may emit a foul stench.

•They are often spotted at fundraising galas and baseball games (the latter being a ploy to gain acceptance as live human beings).

WR: Is there anything else?

DW: I will provide Writing Rendezvous with several of the most clarifying pictures of zombies taken in the past five years or so in hopes that your readers may become more adept at identifying the undead.

WR: Thank you for your time professor.

We now urge our readers to please take a moment and study the photographic evidence. Please spread the word. The zombie threat facing us today is very real. If we don't act soon, drowning polar bears will seem the least of mankind's worries.

Zombie baring its teeth moments before devouring the brains of its unsuspecting victim

Zombie lunging for more sweet brains

Zombie before another vicious strike

Zombies baring teeth before attack

Zombie exhibiting peculiar behavior pattern

Zombies devouring hoagies (believed to contain sweet sweet brains)

Zombie looks for the kill

Zombie frustrated by lack of brains in the room during Senate Intelligence meeting

Zombie wearing disguise

A Word From Javier Marcos Fantastico

Rex Larry Champion is away for the week at a nutrition conference. I’ll be filling in for him.

I want to talk to you guys about something important, man to man.
Can you guess what it is?

HIV/AIDs? The dangers of drunk driving? Date rape?

No, it’s none of those. I want to talk to you about something that’s happening in Major League Baseball and how it effects your life.

It’s a well known fact that Major Leaguers use certain, things, to improve their athletic abilities.

Now the GOVERNMENT wants to take control of the situation and take it out of the hands of the individual ball clubs and the fans.

When I was going for my associate's at Heald, I found out there’s something called jurisdiction. If you’re like me, you probably thought it had something to do with dicks, but it doesn’t. It means the Mexican police can’t bust me for something I do in San Diego and vice versa.

We need a new system for Major League Baseball, we need a REVOLUTION. We need to take the government out of baseball’s business for good.

I propose that every baseball team gets its own country.

If we form the Republic of the Dodgers, they can’t come in and take nobody’s juice from them. It also means that in the parking lot, they can’t come take anything from us fans either.

Do you realize what that would mean?

Think about it.

Yeah.

That’s what I’m talking about.

Please join with me, Javier Marcos Fantastico, in petitioning Bud Selig to secede from the United States of America to create a more perfect union for Major League Baseball.

Dear Commissioner Selig,
As fans of Major League Baseball, we have faithfully supported the sport through ups and downs, through thick and thin, though rain delays, strikes and scandals. Now the fans are asking something in return. A grave danger threatens to tear at the very fiber of MLB, and that danger is the federal government. We don’t want our children to grow up in a future without Barry Bonds-like slugging power, or with tailgate parties without the basics. NOW is the time to act, before it is too late. We, the fans of MLB hereby request that you draft a declaration of independence to form a more perfect union, the Republic of Major League Baseball. A new sovereign nation is the only way to prevent the US government from encroaching upon the freedoms of players to train as they see fit, and of fans to enjoy games as they see fit.





Sincerely,



[sign your name here, and mail to Allan H. (Bud) Selig c/o MLB, 245 Park Avenue, 31st Floor, New York, NY 10167]

Rules For Refinement By Harry The Partridge

The Superior Gentleman Must Possess:


A healthy disdain for the common man

A love of distinctive cheeses

A mighty set of jowls

A rolodex that reads like a who's who of the men about town and the women they pay for companionship

An air of superiority forever unsullied by facts and figures or the workings of lesser men

An appreciation of all things esoteric

A disarming avowal of affinity for one or more carefully selected commonplace objects such as Coca-Cola, furry dice, or McDonalds hamburgers

A vague and cryptic way of speaking, always with intense eye contact

Attention to detail, matching socks and cufflinks

An extensive knowledge of wine and of places around the world that no average man would care to visit, but which you have graced thrice

A lack of interest in the affairs of those bellow you

An elevated taste in music and art

A loathing of all who don't share in your tastes

An impeccable sense of timing

A cane, scepter or other prop with which to strike fear into the hearts of your fellow man

A cache of stories and jokes that are little more than thinly veiled barbs at your enemies, to be told indignantly and often

A stable of well-kept sycophantic courtiers to continuously remind you of your superiority and moral virtue

Making the Most of Your Education

Decades ago a high school education might have been enough to secure life's essentials: Food, shelter, even a spanking paddle with holes in it, if one was lucky. Nowadays employees are expected to be familiar with global finance, information technology, and how the Chalupa Supreme™ differs from the Gordita Supreme™. As a service to readers who may be wondering how to educate themselves for the 21st century, we have compiled a list of essential courses that are readily available in most community colleges and/or Books On Tape:

Introductory Microeconomics -
Have you ever wondered what causes gas prices to rise or why engineering students never get laid? Microeconomics shows how simple ideas like supply and demand effect the phenomena we see in every day life. Topics covered include marginal utility, factors of production, and why people would throw their money into a blender if it was labeled "Real Estate: No Money Down!!!" Also covered: Making moral relativism work for YOU.

Sales 101 -
Many people mistakenly assume that usefulness and sound marketing are the most important aspect of selling a product. In reality, sales is an art that fuses individual skills (matching ties with short-sleeve dress shirts, finding out which drugstores sell the best colognes, and when to feign an inability to communicate in English) into a more meaningful whole. "Getting a foot (or, failing that, a crowbar) in the door" is emphasized, as is the importance of getting testimonials from obese mullet heads who can plausibly claim to make $1,000 per minute while urinating into a water balloon. Independent observations at local mattress retailers are required.

Beginning Philosophy -
For centuries mankind has grappled with fundamental questions of morality and existence. Is it ever right to commit a moral wrong? Is the life of a polar bear worth more than that of a sloth? What if the sloth is a patron of the Metropolitan Opera House? Is it possible to have lower self-esteem than Franz Kafka? Students will explore these conundrums and many others by examining the works of history's greatest thinkers, such as Socrates, Friedrich Nietzsche, Soren Kierkegaard, and Lou Dobbs. Ultimately, students will gain an understanding of humanity's most enduring philosophical debates and why they are better off going into investment banking.

Understanding the Physical World -
Finally, a science course for those of us who have trouble remembering the integers. Topics to be emphasized include plants, animals, the sun, and not being late to football practice. Students will gain an understanding of evolution and why we should be nicer to pigeons. The final exam is mandatory and students will be required not only to differentiate between 15 species of dinosaurs, but also to correctly predict which one would beat the others in a fight.

Update: Zombie Alert

The following individuals are suspected of being zombies:

Jeff Van Gundy

Ralph Nader

Rob Zombie




NEVER APPROACH A ZOMBIE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES

IF YOU SEE A ZOMBIE BARING IT'S TEETH, THIS IS THE TELLTALE SIGN HE IS PREPARING TO DEVOUR YOUR BRAINS


IF A ZOMBIE IS BARING ITS TEETH, YOUR ONLY HOPE FOR SURVIVAL IS TO CONVINCE IT THAT YOU'RE A MEMBER OF PROJECT FOR A NEW AMERICAN CENTURY, THUS IT'S DESTRUCTION OF YOUR CRANIUM WOULD BE ENTIRELY IN VAIN



Zombie Baring It's Teeth

The Importance of Jowls

In today's nip and tuck society, many aging gentlemen underestimate the power of jowls. Before you call Dr. 90210 for a consultation, we ask that you please consider this informative fact sheet.


The Importance of Jowls

•Beginning in ancient times, jowls have long been considered a sign of distinction. In Ancient Greece it was believed that jowls pleased none other than Zeus himself. Greeks who possessed this coveted attribute were given every advantage in society. In arbitration over property disputes, the man with the most prominent jowls would always prevail. At theater performances and sporting events, men with jowls were granted priority seating. Every year the man with the most formidable jowls in each village was awarded two dozen goats, an olive tree and a virgin.
•In early 19th century America, men with reputations for having uncommonly floppy jowls were rounded up from across the land and elevated to the U.S. House of Representatives. Those whose jowls were so pronounced they prevented intelligible words from being formed were given the honor of serving in the Senate. This was the genesis of an oratory style which is still emulated to this day. The leading contemporary exponents of this style of blabbering are [hey jonathan, help me with this one].

•While there is a very strong showing of jowls in congress, the mightiest jowls in government are to be found in the judiciary. Becoming a federal judge requires uncommonly stong jowl growth. The current law requires federal judges to measure in at 2 standard deviations above the population mean. The constitution requires 3 standard deviations for the Supreme Court. Many districts in the South have voluntarily enforced a 3 standard deviation policy for their courts in order to uphold the highest degree of integrity for jowls on the bench (and many analystis beleive, to increase the chances of future Supreme Court justices rising from their ranks.)

•Many U.S. Presidents were lauded for their jowls including John Quincy Adams, Chester A. Arthur, Grover Cleveland, William Taft, and Richard Nixon. It is widely held by historians that most of our bearded presidents should be considered to have been jowled as well. In this category we find Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes, James A. Garfield, and Benjamin Harrison.

•While jowls have long found a comfortable home in government, it would be a mistake to think they are confined to this domain. Indeed, the upper echelons of business and academia are equally saturated with jowls.

•Consider that until the mid 1980s, prominent jowls were an enforced requisite for tenured professors in history and philosophy departments at nearly all major colleges and universities. To this day, over 90% of chancellors and deans have jowls.

•For business leaders (particularly those on the east coast), it is of the utmost importance to maintain a mighty set of jowls to keep shareholders happy. In recent years there have been several high-profile cases in which shareholders called for a vote of no confidence to remove non-jowled CEOs. Every year, it becomes harder for those without jowls to climb the corporate ladder and this phenomenon extends well beyond our shores. A remarkable 95% of Forbes Global 2000 executives are known to have prominent jowls.

•Because those in the know so relish the advantages that jowls afford, every attempt has been made to limit their access to the common man. It is a well known fact that cosmetic jowl implants are illegal in all 50 states. What is less well-known is that these procedures are viewed as such a threat, clandestine military operations have been waged in Germany and The Netherlands to disrupt several jowl surgery centers catering to American nationals.

•If you are naturally endowed with jowls, you should consider yourself lucky.

It is the official opinion of Writing Rendezvous that jowl reduction/removal surgery is a medically unnecessary and socially costly procedure that should be undertaken by no one.

The Undead: A Threat Assessment

It has become increasingly clear that our leaders have failed to draft an adequate plan in case of zombie attack. As international unrest, environmental disaster, and the prospect of more albums by the Mannheim Steamroller cloud our collective consciousness, vigilant citizens cannot allow this oversight to continue. Any credible threat analysis must begin with the essentials: How many are there? Where do they come from? Do they have any Coldplay tickets? What does this mean for the estate tax? Yet until now, few have had the courage to raise such questions.

Popular culture has done its best to step with helpful tips, yet this often creates more questions than it answers. We are told that zombies are easily identified by their sallow complexions, slack jaws, and sunken eyes, yet we are given no further guidance on how to distinguish them from Marc Anthony or graduate students in the humanities. Equally unhelpful is the common admonition to "destroy the brain" when confronted by a hostile zombie, as it wholly neglects the possibility that the zombie is from southern California.

Dr. Helmut Schmutzig, a noted professor of ectoplasm at the University of Grusselgrauen, contends that danger from zombies can be minimized by taking common sense measures like locking all doors and windows, avoiding all human contact, and storing a large hatchet under the bathroom sink. Professor Schmutzig also warns that the undead are far more prevalent than we realize, as evidenced by the recent discovery that the entire front court of the Golden State Warriors consists of re-animated corpses.

The experts are divided on how to classify the threat posed by the undead. The hawks claim that zombies can be destroyed using conventional weapons like machine guns, tanks, bombs, and network television. Others advocate a more measured approach, encouraging strategists to investigate the root causes of flesh-eating and the history of zombie-human relations. They point to instances like that of Jacques LePieu, an undead nobleman from 16th century France who surfaced at a Clay Aiken concert and promptly decided that he preferred the grave. Still others insist that we must engage in diplomatic talks with the walking dead, observing that zombies held in captivity demonstrated the ability to sing "Stormy Weather" while spinning dreidels on their foreheads.

Regardless of which path we ultimately choose, now is the time to begin a critical assessment of the zombie threat. This, unlike war, social security, and health care, is a liability that we cannot afford to pass on to the next generation.

The Best Part of Waking Up is Indifference in a Waffle Cone

As MMA continues to ascend in the United States, more and more ratings grubbing blow-dried journalists are going to ignorantly take pot shots at the sport we all love. In the face of these attacks, I’m convinced there is only one thing that faithful MMA fans can do. Invoke human-animal combat. That’s right. Civilized peoples have always allowed for combat between men. The line between civilization and barbarism is demarcated clearly between those societies that allow only human-human combat and those which sanction man against beast. Next time an ignorant blowhard gets on TV and says “MMA is barbaric”, write a letter. Tell the bastard that the real ill tearing at the fabric of society is ‘roo boxing. Hopefully a light bulb will go off and he'll realize “hey, that’s a good point, MMA isn’t so bad after all.”