Pass the Tofurkeyducken, Please

Ingredients:

3 lb. turkey, with gizzards removed, then replaced, then assembled to create a scale model of the Great Mosque of Cordoba
2 tsp salt
3 Tbsp cooking oil or 1 Tbsp of drippings from Steven Lavin's hair
2 loaves of organic, whole-wheat artisan bread
1/2 cup sage
2 cups chicken broth
1 lemon
1 bunch of cilantro
1 tsp whole peppercorns

1. Assemble ingredients 4 hours before guests are scheduled to arrive.
2. Brine turkey in a mixture of saltwater, pepper, and sage for 3 hours.
3. Realize that you were supposed to brine the turkey for at least 48 hours. Use internet to locate the nearest Boston Market.
4. Place chicken broth in a large saucepan. Bring to boil.
5. Continue to boil until fully evaporated.
6. Attempt to recapture the broth vapor by flailing a measuring cup around for five minutes.
7. Grind the peppercorns and cilantro together with a mortar and pestle. If the pestle breaks, use the artisan bread.
8. Use a diamond saw to quarter the artisan bread. Place it in a paper bag. Donate it to Second Harvest Food Bank.
9. Check the score of the Lions game.
10. Study family photo album to ensure that you are able to correctly identify all extended relatives, as well as their prior convictions.
11. Offer neighbors $100 for their cooked turkey, $200 if they will throw in a honeybaked ham.
12. Order Chinese.