Iowa Caucus Predictions By Harry The Partridge

Democrats:

1st: Obama

2nd: Edwards

3rd: Clinton

Republicans:

1st: Huckabee

2nd: Romney

3rd: Thompson

Dear Iowa,

They don't love you, you're being used.

John Edwards paid $400 for a haircut. What do you think?

"Torrenueva should be ashamed. $400 should at least get you a manicure and a massage with a happy ending. And the cut itself! Heavens to Betsy that haircut is soooo 2004. If 2008 is the new 2004, Edwards is going to have a one way ticket back to North Carolina." -Mo Rocca




"As long as he can talk to my dead relatives, he can spend as much as he wants on his hair." - Amorphous mustached Onion character, postal clerk.






"John Edwards is a nancy boy. Fancy haircuts are no way to take your campaign up a notch. If that nancy boy is serious about achieving ultimate performance for maximum votes, he should stick to the system, the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System." -Rex Larry Champion








"You should see how much Jonathan Antin charged me for my last full-body cut. Edwards got off easy." -Sasquatch









"John Edwards worked hard to con those knob-gobblers into contributing to his campaign, he can waste their money however he sees fit." -Harry The Partridge

**Exclusive** Gary Condit Throws Hat In Ring

Gary Condit made the formal announcement on his blog after filing with the FEC earlier today. "I'm In" he wrote in a short message addressed to friends and supporters.

Gary Condit (D-CA) served in the House of Representatives from 1989-2003 and was known for being one of the most conservative democrats in the House. Condit was handily defeated in his 2002 reelection bid after being investigated as a person of interest in the mysterious disappearance of Chandra Levy, a young intern whom he lied about and subsequently admitting to having an affair with. Chandra Levy's remains were found in a Washington DC park in May, 2002 and her death was declared a homicide. While a strong veil of suspicion remains, Condit was never named an official suspect and the case remains unsolved.

Condit's White House bid is sure to come as a shock to the political world where analysts considered his future to be about as bright as Mark Foley and Jim Traficant.

Writing Rendezvous has gained exclusive access to part of an unpublished interview set to come out next week.

"I'm not a perfect man" Condit told the Sacramento Bee "I may have done certain things that I regret. But it's time for this country to move forward. The working class people of this country don't miss Chandra Levy, they never met her, what they care about is affordable health care, the minimum wage, and a fair tax policy that taxes wealth over work. As president of the United States, the first thing I will do is disband the FBI, and then I will raise the minimum wage, repeal the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans, and I pledge to pass a comprehensive bill guaranteeing health care for all Americans which includes a package to provide free prescription drugs for our seniors."

Writing Rendezvous correspondent Harry The Partridge caught up with Condit in the parking lot and asked him a pointed question before pooping on his car. "That's a very ambitious agenda you have there, Mr. Condit, don't you think you'll have trouble getting congress on board to support your plan?"

"Oh, they'll be on board, or else." A wild-eyed Condit snarled as he ducked into his car.


If Gary Condit does beat the odds, he will certainly not be the first politician to survive lethal scandal. Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-MA) weathering Chappaquiddick would seem the most notable analogue, but does Gary Condit have the Kennedy touch? Only time will tell.

Developing...

**Exclusive** John Edwards Throws in Towel

Presidential hopeful Senator John Edwards shocked supporters today by announcing he is dropping out of the race. "I have always sought to follow my dreams", the Senator tearfully told an Iowa audience this afternoon "but sometimes ambition can get in the way of our true purpose here. My family and I came to the conclusion this week that the White House isn't what God had in mind for me. So I've chosen to take up the real estate seminar circuit. Don't worry friends, you haven't seen the last of me. I'll see y'all soon at the airport Hilton."
... Developing ...

John McCain announced his candidacy for president today while appearing on The Late Show with David Letterman. What do you think?


I could never support a candidate who isn’t willing to throw soft money at 527s created with the intent of reminding voters that Obama sounds like Osama.




Debbie Bank
Patent attorney



Letterman isn’t funny. I guess McCain couldn’t do Leno because he would have come off like a Schwarzenegger wannabe. He should have announced on that show with the Scottish guy, what’s his face?



Roger Khalid
Wal*Mart Greeter



I don’t see how this settles the real question we’ve all been asking. Who would win a drag race between the Straight Talk Express and the Madden Bus?




Reggie Freedman
Delivery Driver