Breaking News: French Surrender

Libya(Sasquatch Wire) Obama's broad coalition just got narrower as the French surrendered Sunday. Faced with the menacing threat of several unibrowed youths throwing stones and molotov cocktails roughly in the direction of French fighter jets, Nicolas Sarkozy phoned Obama to declare "enough is enough".

Furious Obama Fires CIA Director Over Iran Mix-Up

Washington (Sasquatch Wire) -- Obama’s audacious dream to further American hegemony while keeping his hands cleaner than his predecessor via the strategic application of soft power has been plagued by early problems and the ramifications are grave. Last year’s Green Revolution in Iran started out promising and ended in dismal failure while greatly weakening the United States in the eyes of Israel, which is now on the fast track to launching strikes against Iran without American blessings. Obama’s failure on Iran during his first year in office may prove to become one of the defining legacies of his presidency. Recent revelations show CIA incompetence may be more to blame than problems with Obama’s strategic acumen.

From day one Obama made a top priority of covertly backing color revolutions in an attempt to change the world on the cheap, modeling his attempts roughly after earlier CIA (or occasionally George Soros) -backed successes such as the Polish Solidarity Movement, the Orange Revolution in Ukraine, Rose Revolution in Georgia etc.

To that end, Obama ordered the CIA to get serious and throw their whole weight behind the Mujahidin, which Writing Rendezvous sources have characterized as a “half-hearted, half-assed project the CIA had been dicking around with for years. The mission experienced significant drift as they went from playing cards and drinking scotch to killing half of their assets in Iraq for no particular reason.” Obama also demanded the CIA revamp their other assorted shenanigans in Iran, yelling at them to “quit jerking off, I don’t want another Bay of Pigs” according to a source familiar with the conversation.

In one plan nixed by Obama, the CIA had planned to kidnap Ayatollah Ali Khamenei (jokingly called the EyeBrowTollah in intelligence circles) and shave his eyebrows off in the hopes an eyebrowless Ayatollah would lose respect and quickly be deposed from power. The CIA seems to be working out of the same play book that led it to an attempt against Castro’s beard in the 60’s [editor’s note: this isn’t a joke, the CIA really did try to make Castro’s beard fall out by putting thallium salts in his boots in hopes the seat of his power would fall to the floor along with his whiskers].

In another ongoing franchise, the CIA has been editing all American TV shows to contain propaganda for the Iranian market. Iranians are quite fond of tuning into Baywatch using their satellite dishes (frequently confiscated by the government and just as frequently replaced in an endless cycle of mirth). While it is generally held that the theocrats take issue with silicone juggs, it appears Iranian leaders have a quite rational objection to the satellite dishes given the modified content being broadcast into Iranian living rooms. For example, David Hasselhoff’s character on Baywatch is quite given to ridiculing Amadinijhad, often calling him a turkish whore, midget, camel-fucker, homosexual, or jew.

The version of Obama’s Cairo speech aired in Iran contained scarcely-veiled references to ‘follow The Hoff, for like Muhammad, he is a prophet of sorts’.

As if the situation couldn’t get more chaotic, in a shocking turn of events this week WikiLeaks unsheathed documents proving that for years the CIA has been erroneously backing the Jem'Hadar inside of Iran instead of the Mujahidin.

This new revelation of CIA incompetence couldn’t come at a worse time for Obama as hawks in the Department of Defense have been wriggling the reins away from the soft-power camp, reanimating the spectre of direct military confrontation in Iran, Syria, North Korea, Pakistan, Northern Africa, and the Gamma Quadrant. Eager to disrupt Chinese oil supply, Ferengi and Dominion cargo vessels will be targeted at the onset of any military conflict and the United States will act aggressively to seize control of all oilfields and pipelines in the galaxy.

When the revised version of the 2007 National Intelligence Estimate comes out, hawks plan to kill two birds with one stone by overstating Iran’s nuclear progress and implicating The Ferengi in a seized shipment of gold-pressed latinum bound for Iran found to be hiding bars of uranium.

Bringing the NIE into alignment with MI6 and Mossad assertions will isolate Obama and make his reliance on diplomacy and soft power increasingly difficult to defend. War is looking more likely and any shakeup of the CIA may be too little, too late given the scope of its problems.

During a heated closed congressional hearing Tuesday which Harry The Partridge was able to sneak into, the former CIA director tried to defend the damning mistake. “I offered Obama my resignation this morning but you know as well as I that intelligence agencies have blind spots. Jem’Hadar, Mujahidin- They sound almost exactly the same, it was an honest mistake. This project has been underfunded for years and we still lack adequate translators. Compounding the problem, the Jem’Hadar and Mujahidin dress and speak in a very similar fashion. We need congress to shower money on the CIA to punish us for our dismal failure.”

Speculation now abounds as to what role the mistake played in the underwhelming Green Movement and whether it is too late for a second shot.

Political analyst Sasquatch comments “This revelation is a double edged sword for Obama. On one hand it is a terrible foreign policy embarrassment; although this has been going on since Clinton or Bush 41, the leak happened on Obama’s watch so he owns it now. On the other hand, it allows him to make the case of ‘Give me more time; If the Mujahidin-e-Khalq get the support originally intended, we may still cultivate a sufficiently destabilizing force- that extra little push we need so the next color revolution in Iran will stick.’ Obama may get somewhere with this line of argumentation as many stomachs are queazy these days about war with Iran. As I speak, you can guarantee that the CIA has withdrawn support for the Jem’Hadar and we are now sitting down with the Mujahidin to talk shop. It is likely that future sanctions and possible face-to-face talks with Iranian leaders are little more than stall tactics, designed more than anything to keep Israel's finger off the trigger while we continue to work aggressively on transforming Iran from within. A new propaganda team is desperately needed to make David Hasselhoff’s call for revolution more persuasive. Whatever happens we must hope the CIA has learned from its past mistakes and is now giving the Iranian Mujahidin the support it needs to succeed and nothing more, we mustn’t forget this is a marriage of convenience and it can come back to bite us down the road if we are not careful; the last thing we need is to see the Mujahidin armed with photon-torpedoes.”

The Greatest Rube Goldberg Machine: How WikiLeaks Documents Reach Julian Assange

An elaborate labyrinth is used to safeguard, verify, and anonymize WikiLeaks documents prior to their publication. Writing Rendezvous has made an editorial decision to publish this secret procedure under the same philosophy as WikiLeaks itself. To the critic who argues we are undermining the mission of an important organization, we respond that anyone who is expending capital to conceal information from the public probably has impure motives and thus deserves to have their secrets revealed.

Without further ado, here is how they do it:

1.) Document is steganographically encrypted using Tomas Kinkade Paint By Numbers Kit and hung on the wall of the nearest Thomas Kinkade gallery. This is an ideal first drop-off point as there are several Kinkade galleries in every city on earth.

2.) Carefully trained runner undertakes the delicate mission of buying painting while keeping a straight face.

3.) Document is decrypted and translated into Navajo where it is then published in the classifieds section of Japan Business Times.

4.) Blackjack dealer at Fire Rock Navajo Casino in New Mexico buys a copy of Japan Business Times at Barnes & Noble and translates the document into English.

5.) A rigorous fact-checking procedure is used to insure that pranksters or malicious actors have not submitted inauthentic documents. In the case of a leaked military document, document is taken to a VA hospital and all park benches are surveyed for men who look like they might be veterans. WikiLeaks takes pains not to disturb veterans who are busy feeding pigeons or sleeping. Once a man is identified as looking like a veteran he is approached and shown the document whereupon he is asked the question “does this look legit to you?”

In cases of high-profile documents such as the Afghan War Diary, a second veteran sitting on another bench is consulted. In very high-level cases, WikiLeaks may wave its standard policy and disturb a sleeping veteran or one happily feeding pigeons, but only rarely and with the direct authorization of Julian Assange himself.

6.) If the document is authenticated, it is placed in a nondescript manilla envelope and mailed to Kurt Loder, who is known to be too stoned to check his mail during the days of monday-sunday.

7.) Kurt Loder’s neighbor assumes the document and makes several copies by hand, using a quill pen and only moonlight for illumination while spooky music plays in the background. This step is unnecessary, but Kurt Loder’s neighbor feels slighted by the banality of his role in the labyrinth.

8.) The extra copies along with an accompanying special message are placed into envelopes and addressed to Seymour Hersh, David Barstow, Susan Schmidt, the BBC, and Lil Wayne. These envelopes are stored in five separate safe-deposit boxes belonging to five different individuals living in different cities, each pledged to mail their envelope to its respective journalism arm in the event that the document is in some manner blocked from publication (as to be demonstrated by the document not appearing on the site by a certain date including the events of the site being shut down or Julian Assange dying a mysterious death).

9.) Additional copies produced in a similar manner are placed into jars of peanut butter where they are distributed around the globe to areas that give Uncle Sam a headache including but not limited to Sweden, Iceland, Belgium, The Cayman Islands, The Pakistani-Afghan Border Region, The North Caucasus, The Guatemala-Chiapas Border, as well as several of America’s ungovernable tribal regions such as Detroit, Camden, and St. Louis.

10.) The peanut butter is enjoyed with crackers and celery sticks and the document is translated back into electronic format where it sent via secure TOR networks to Australia.

11.) Steps 1-10 are repeated for fun.

12.) Fake documents labeled “wiki-leeks”, containing recipes for potato leek soup are delivered to the WikiLeaks PO box at the University of Melbourne.

13.) Real documents delivered to secret WikiLeaks headquarters (which changes location every 3 days) by Julian Assange’s confederates who have infiltrated the Australian Postal Service at all levels.

14.) Julian Assange personally reads every document to be published, types it up and formats it on his laptop while wearing a beaglepuss. The document is now ready to change history.

15.) A hamster wheel powers a conveyer belt which knocks a billiards ball onto a furnace blower which wakes up a cat who knocks over a bird cage which turns on a stove which boils water in a whistling tea kettle which whistles when boiled thus waking another sleeping cat which has been carefully trained to not wake up during any of the previous stages of the apparatus. The cat chases a mouse which knocks over a domino which knocks over another domino which in turn knocks over another domino which falls off a table and activates a spring loaded boxing glove on a stick which punches a soccer ball which tips over a glass milk bottle which activates a plastic “drinking bird” which pecks the “return key” on a computer keyboard which publishes the document on wikileaks.org for the world to behold.

Schwarzenegger Gets Creative

Sacramento (AP) -- California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today signed into law a new measure which will save the finically troubled state several hundred dollars a year on its electric bill. "Now is the time to pinch our pennies. Every dollar counts. We must be creative to face these challenges" the governor said in a brief prepared statement. The new law will do away with the right for condemned death row inmates to choose their last meal; from now on the last meal will be only the Super Combo Shrimp Platter from Long John Silvers, thus allowing the electric chair to be retired.

God Punishes California For Anal Sex, Vegans

Washington Post: Marion Jones Admits to Steroid Use

Writing Rendezvous: No Shit?

Breaking News: Patrick Kennedy Found Sober

File Photo

(Washington DC) Speaking on the condition of anonymity, staffers working for Representative Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) informed Writing Rendezvous that Kennedy was spotted sober today. Staffers initially became suspicious after the distinguished congressman was seen walking in a straight line. After a series of meetings in which he failed to slur his words, they knew something was amiss. The smoking gun came directly after Kennedy cast a vote for Barney Frank’s amendment on H.R.3074: to the amazement of everyone present (and three or four elderly people watching c-span), Kennedy stayed on the floor rather than making his usual beeline to the men’s to take a swig from his boot flask.

“I couldn’t believe it. Patrick Kennedy was dry as a bone” one staffer relayed “At first some of us speculated that maybe he had a weird schedule, like he’d been partying all night and hadn’t been to bed yet. You know, like he was just waiting a few hours to start drinking again. But then we realized, it’s not like him to show up to work the day after hard partying. His breath didn’t even smell like liquor. To be honest, we were tempted to call the Secret Service because it almost seemed like he was an impostor. We heard that he was drenched in the sauce even when he was in rehab a few months ago. Patrick Kennedy without his hooch is like a fish out of water, we’re all very worried about him.”

This isn’t the first time a Kennedy has been found sober. One afternoon in 1971, Patrick’s father, Edward Kennedy was rumored to have been sober.

Developing...

News Flash: George W. Bush To Undergo Colonoscopy Tomorrow

"Maybe they'll find George Bush's head" - Sasquatch

Apes Communicating With Humans?

Researchers at The Great Ape Trust in Des Moines, Iowa are showing off a technology which they claim demonstrates that Apes can be taught to understand English. Researcher Bill Fields showed Abc World News one of his star pupils communicating with him using a special touch screen containing 350 symbols which depict objects or correspond to thoughts. Click here for the complete story.


So, apes communicating with humans.
What do you think?








"A talking Ape? Fancy that." - Sasquatch








"I smell operant conditioning. This ridiculous spectacle demonstrates that apes are capable of semantic understanding about as much as a tiger jumping through a ring of fire demonstrates that Siegfried and Roy are heterosexual. Exactly. " - Harry The Partidge






"This is an abomination. Humans and apes shouldn't talk to eachother. It's against God's plan. Talking with apes forms a slippery slope at the bottom of which lies bestiality. As long as liberals try to spread their poison and deny that the Bible is God's Word, we will continue to suffer God's wrath in the form of hurricanes, terror attacks, AIDS, and Rap music. Repent and accept Jesus Christ into your heart before it's too late. Eternal damnation is real and every liberal is going to burn for eternity. Liberals, Atheists, Fornicators, Drunkards, Queers, Jews, Adulterers, Scientists, Gamblers, Muslims, Masturbators, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, Teletubbies, The United Nations, Pimps, Drug Users, Perverts, People for the American Way, The ACLU, Quakers, Bakers, Candle Stick Makers, Nick Knack Paddy Whack Give A Dog a Bone, Abortionists, Unitarians, Pornographers, Rappers, Child Molesters, People Who Talk To Apes, YOU ARE ALL GOING TO HELL " -Frank Erp, Street Corner Evangelist




"Finally, I can ask for a cancer stick when I need one." - Fred, Chimpanzee Participant In The Study










"This is truly a pioneering achievement in natural history. Now if only scientists could find a way to keep George Michael sober." - Tony Blair, British Prime Minister















"Big deal. I could talk since I was 3 years old. I'm not impressed." - Rex Larry Champion








"A few years ago this might have spelled trouble, but today most of the monkey meat we smuggle into Southern China is actually zebra meat. I don't see zebras talking any time soon, hahaha."- Babalu Baraka, Large Game Poacher










"Looks like someone is trying to steal my bit. I'll see those fuckers in court" Jane Goodall, Chimp Lady











"Kevin Randleman uses the same system to 'talk' to his trainers, they have a little computer screen and he points to the icon with the syringe." - Donny, sherdog.com troll

"We've long known that chimpanzees possess at least rudimentary language abilities. The greater apes still have a way to go, but we should not discriminate against them in higher education. We think there's a faster way to chimps writing Hamlet than all of those typewriters and all of those years, and that way is through education. The future looks very bright for gorillas, chimpanzees, bonobos, and orangutans at Yale. Please note however that we can not accommodate lesser apes at this time. We ask that lesser apes such as gibbons and siamangs consider applying to Harvard." - Ralph Cunningham, Yale Admissions Officer, Let In George W Bush

General Store Owner Discovers eBay

(Someville, Ohio) Gus Franklin, proud general store owner of 35 years, has entered cyberspace and he’s loving every minute of it.

For years Gus had the vague sense that computers were out there, but he just wasn’t interested. That all changed last August.

“I was watching the boob tube late one night and a professor came on” Gus explains “He called himself a video professor, and golly, I thought hell, why shouldn’t I learn to run the computer? Yes, I always thought those new gadgets like computers and cellular telephones were for city slickers, not for folks like me. I’m an old pro when it comes to throwing away those AOL cds that come in the mail, do you get those too? Once I even wrote them a nice letter telling them I wasn’t interested, but they kept on sending ‘em. It got so bad I finally had to tell Randy, Randy is our postman, I finally had to tell Randy to stop bringing them to my house because I had no use for ‘em. To make a long story short, I made up my mind and drove my Ford truck a few hours to the nearest Sears Roebuck and picked up an economy model computer. Thanks to Video Professor, I finally learned to run that sucker. It was none too hard neither.”

Encouraged by the ease with which Video Professor allowed him conquer his fear of computers, Gus sat up and took note when he received a Video Professor catalog in the mail. That’s when he learned there was a place he could set up shop in cyberspace, it was a little website called eBay. Gus ordered the Video Professor eBay tutorial and took to it like a fish to water.

An eBay store is born

Today Gus’s eBay store sells glass coke bottles, bugles, an assortment of Indian arrowheads, WWII era toys made out of tin, and American flags with 30 stars. “Once we got Wisconsin, our union was perfect” Gus explains, “California was the beginning of the nation’s downfall.”

“I’ve had requests from buyers all over the world, from Germany to Japan to Katmandu, but I refer them to my policy at the bottom of the page. It clearly states AMERICAN BUYERS ONLY, NO EXCEPTIONS.”

Gus includes a hand-written note and a ribbon with each order. “I try to give my customers the same friendly service they’d get at my general store.”

Gus confesses that there’s nothing in the world he prizes more than his perfect feedback, even the smallest smudge on his online reputation would keep him up at nights. There was one close-call that he’ll never forget. “One time a fellow actually gave me negative feedback. He said the flag he ordered never arrived. Didn’t give me a chance to make it right, just left the feedback. I tried to send him a message through eBay message service, but he didn’t reply. Well he only lived one state over, so I figured what the heck, and I drove all the way to West Virginia to sort it out. I had the man’s shipping address, so it wasn’t none too hard to track him down. He was a nice enough fellow, and as it turns out the flag was lost during transport. It’s a good thing I'd anticipated that possibility, because I had another flag waiting in the truck to hand deliver to him. He was very happy to have the flag and he thanked me and agreed to retract his negative feedback. I’m proud to say that I’m back to 100%. I always strive to give all my eBay customers the same friendly service they’d get at my general store.”

Asked about his future plans, Gus shrugs and reaches for a soda pop from under the counter.

John Edwards paid $400 for a haircut. What do you think?

"Torrenueva should be ashamed. $400 should at least get you a manicure and a massage with a happy ending. And the cut itself! Heavens to Betsy that haircut is soooo 2004. If 2008 is the new 2004, Edwards is going to have a one way ticket back to North Carolina." -Mo Rocca




"As long as he can talk to my dead relatives, he can spend as much as he wants on his hair." - Amorphous mustached Onion character, postal clerk.






"John Edwards is a nancy boy. Fancy haircuts are no way to take your campaign up a notch. If that nancy boy is serious about achieving ultimate performance for maximum votes, he should stick to the system, the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System." -Rex Larry Champion








"You should see how much Jonathan Antin charged me for my last full-body cut. Edwards got off easy." -Sasquatch









"John Edwards worked hard to con those knob-gobblers into contributing to his campaign, he can waste their money however he sees fit." -Harry The Partridge

W Virginia Redneck Shoots Japanese Store Owner

(W Virginia) "Go back to China you dirty Korean!" Redneck Ned Lambert reportedly yelled as he unloaded 2 rounds into the chest of Yoshi Takasaki, a Japanese store owner. Shortly following the incident, a mustached police spokesman called a press conference but declined to comment.

Developing...

**Exclusive** Gary Condit Throws Hat In Ring

Gary Condit made the formal announcement on his blog after filing with the FEC earlier today. "I'm In" he wrote in a short message addressed to friends and supporters.

Gary Condit (D-CA) served in the House of Representatives from 1989-2003 and was known for being one of the most conservative democrats in the House. Condit was handily defeated in his 2002 reelection bid after being investigated as a person of interest in the mysterious disappearance of Chandra Levy, a young intern whom he lied about and subsequently admitting to having an affair with. Chandra Levy's remains were found in a Washington DC park in May, 2002 and her death was declared a homicide. While a strong veil of suspicion remains, Condit was never named an official suspect and the case remains unsolved.

Condit's White House bid is sure to come as a shock to the political world where analysts considered his future to be about as bright as Mark Foley and Jim Traficant.

Writing Rendezvous has gained exclusive access to part of an unpublished interview set to come out next week.

"I'm not a perfect man" Condit told the Sacramento Bee "I may have done certain things that I regret. But it's time for this country to move forward. The working class people of this country don't miss Chandra Levy, they never met her, what they care about is affordable health care, the minimum wage, and a fair tax policy that taxes wealth over work. As president of the United States, the first thing I will do is disband the FBI, and then I will raise the minimum wage, repeal the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans, and I pledge to pass a comprehensive bill guaranteeing health care for all Americans which includes a package to provide free prescription drugs for our seniors."

Writing Rendezvous correspondent Harry The Partridge caught up with Condit in the parking lot and asked him a pointed question before pooping on his car. "That's a very ambitious agenda you have there, Mr. Condit, don't you think you'll have trouble getting congress on board to support your plan?"

"Oh, they'll be on board, or else." A wild-eyed Condit snarled as he ducked into his car.


If Gary Condit does beat the odds, he will certainly not be the first politician to survive lethal scandal. Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-MA) weathering Chappaquiddick would seem the most notable analogue, but does Gary Condit have the Kennedy touch? Only time will tell.

Developing...

**Exclusive** Don Imus Enters Rehab

A publicist for nationally syndicated radio windbag Don Imus has confirmed it. Don Imus this afternoon checked himself into an illustrious rehab facility in Palm Springs, Florida.

Imus caused an uproar this week by calling the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos". Kowtowing to pressure from civil rights leaders including the Reverends Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson, CBS and NBC both announced they will be suspending Imus from the airwaves for 2 weeks due to his racist remarks.

News of Imus' entry into the luxurious Florida treatment facility casts doubt onto whether he will return to reclaim his chair at the end of the alloted 2 week punishment. An Imus aide speaking on the condition of anonymity told reporters from Writing Rendezvous that Imus was looking forward to "at least a good month or two of swimming, massage, tennis, and gourmet food delivered poolside while he sorts out his demons."

"I'm sorry for what I said, ok?" Imus told Al Sharpton earlier today "I'm not a racist. I have a problem with addiction. Now, if you'll please excuse me. Can you get your assistant, sugar tits over there, to get my keys, I have a plane to catch."

Developing...

Global War On Terror Sinks

(Washington) The House Armed Services Committee has decided to finally nix the annoying catch-phrase "The Global War on Terror", eliminating it from the 2008 defense authorization bill in favor of more specifically worded operations such as "the war in Afghanistan" and "the war in Iraq". While this move has many positive functions, it may be politically moot at this point.

Following September 11th, Americans consistently ranked the global war on terror as their #1 concern. Today, more than five years after 9/11, the nation's priorities appear to have changed. According to a new Sasquatch/RLC poll, the global war on terror has completely slipped from the top 10 list for the first time since 9/11.

Wars America cares about today, a ranking:

#1) The war on cellulite
#2) The war on personal consumption habits of people who speak publicly about global warming
#3) The war on that fat kid who keeps on stealing my school lunch
#4) The war in Iraq
#5) The war on homosexuals
#6) The war on performance enhancing drugs in professional sports
#7) The war on children who speak spanish
#8) The war on transfats
#9) The war on the history channel, probably WWI but I decided to watch Crank Yankers instead
#10) The war on those damn flag burning liberal traitors
-------
#11) The global war on terror

Jaded Urbanite Scoffs at Discovery of New Species

(New York) Today Barry Rosenblatt hit up the Drudge Report as he does every day from his office, searching for scandal and miscellaneous slime appealing to the prurient interest. What he found was a link to some e-rag from England about some stupid-ass animal. "What is this shit? It can't even do anything!" Rosenblatt scoffed, "sheesh, at least wait until Siegfried and Roy sodomize it for a few months and get it to dance with strippers or jump through rings of fire or something before you waste my time with this crap. What is it with these new species anyway? I thought humans were supposed to be destroying the Earth's wildlife. For Pete's sake, what's taking so long? Shouldn't this thing be extinct by now so I don't have to hear about it? Who even cares about this crap, if I wanted to see animals I'd go to the Bronx Zoo. Once you've seen one stupid animal, you've seen them all. You can't even eat one of these things. What's the point? It's a stupidity is what it is, a stupidity."

**Exclusive** John Edwards Throws in Towel

Presidential hopeful Senator John Edwards shocked supporters today by announcing he is dropping out of the race. "I have always sought to follow my dreams", the Senator tearfully told an Iowa audience this afternoon "but sometimes ambition can get in the way of our true purpose here. My family and I came to the conclusion this week that the White House isn't what God had in mind for me. So I've chosen to take up the real estate seminar circuit. Don't worry friends, you haven't seen the last of me. I'll see y'all soon at the airport Hilton."
... Developing ...

Say it aint so!

According to TMZ.com, Sylvester Stallone was charged in a Sydney, Australia court today after customs officials found him in possession of 48 vials containing hGH (human growth hormone). If convicted, the 60 year old actor faces a maximum fine of $22,000.

Wow, truly shocking. I never would have expected this from Sylvester Stallone.

This is one of those stories that is really almost pointless to report because well, we kind of knew it even before it happened. It's like rats at KFC/Taco Bell, Robert Downy Junior going into rehab, George Michael being found slumped over in car, or Ann Coulter making inflammatory remarks to sell a book. Tell me that Stallone ISN'T juicing and that will make my jaw drop.

You know what, this calls for a top-10 list.

Top ten stale news stories that shouldn't be news, which I am sick and tired of hearing about:

#10 North Korea promises death to the entire world but quickly backs down after Condi Rice calls and promises to import Mickey Mouse ice cream pops, James Bond memorabilia and Hennessy if they play nice
#9 Some morbidly obese person lost 500 pounds but still weighs 800
#8 A member of the Kennedy family did something stupid while inebriated
#7 Microsoft just released a buggy piece of crap that makes everyone's computer crash
#6 Some random foreign kids are throwing rocks at police, but we don't know where or why
#5 Cheech Marin was arrested for paraphernalia, using, growing, or selling
#4 The French said something arrogant
#3 Religious conservatives are griping about something that Bill Maher didn't say but that other religious conservatives said that he said
#2 Tom Cruise said some nonsensical Scientology shit, fueling further speculation that he is a homosexual
#1 Anything about anyone going into or out of rehab

All Is Well

War, gang violence, kidnappings and child molestation, the nightly news can be as depressing as attending a friend's funeral. It's not all so bleak, however. Every now and again, that 24-hour cable conveyer belt bringing depravity and despair into our homes grinds to a halt and suddenly we are presented with a story that truly uplifts the human spirit.

Rats Overrun New York KFC/Taco Bell.





The exuberance of these reporters borders on glee.

What is it about this story that strikes such a chord in all of our hearts? I believe it is that rats are SUPPOSED to overrun KFC and Taco Bell. It is the way of the world. Nothing captures our collective imaginations like the beauty of nature. A bolt of lightening across a moonlit sky, a double rainbow, a monarch butterfly gracefully landing on a perennial, the first week of spring, the birth of a child... Rats at Taco Bell. To go so long without a story like this suggests something in the universe is amiss, as if the moon were to one day disappear from the night sky. Seeing those rats scurry across the filthy unwashed floor causes us to smile and sigh a breath of relief. The Gods are still in command of the universe, all is well.

John McCain announced his candidacy for president today while appearing on The Late Show with David Letterman. What do you think?


I could never support a candidate who isn’t willing to throw soft money at 527s created with the intent of reminding voters that Obama sounds like Osama.




Debbie Bank
Patent attorney



Letterman isn’t funny. I guess McCain couldn’t do Leno because he would have come off like a Schwarzenegger wannabe. He should have announced on that show with the Scottish guy, what’s his face?



Roger Khalid
Wal*Mart Greeter



I don’t see how this settles the real question we’ve all been asking. Who would win a drag race between the Straight Talk Express and the Madden Bus?




Reggie Freedman
Delivery Driver