Writing Rendezvous

THE END WILL COME AT SUNDOWN

2011-05-21T09:40:00.000-07:00

"THE END IS HERE... THE END OF HIGH PRICES!"

Bin Laden Taken Down A Notch By US Intelligence, Media

2011-05-14T10:27:00.000-07:00

US Intelligence Releases New Details About Bin Laden Lifestyle

2011-05-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

2011-05-04T12:54:00.000-07:00

I have here in my hand a list of 205 that were made known to the Secretary of State as being Conspiracy Theorists and who nevertheless are still working and shaping policy in the State Department.

Bin Laden Killed?

2011-05-02T01:08:00.001-07:00

Pics or it didn't happen.

Top Ten Miracles Performed By Pope John Paul II:

2011-05-01T16:31:00.000-07:00

10. Turned water into ice

9. Once ate at Pizzeria Uno without taking Pepcid AC

8. Took a leak at the airport and the urinal flushed itself

7. First pope to visit a boy scout meeting without getting a boner

6. Popemobile beat the ice cream truck in a drag race

5. Went to see Bruce Bruce and didn't laugh

4. Didn't punch George Bush in the face after being called Sir

3. Predicted the Golden State Warriors wouldn't win a championship

2. Lost to Chuck Norris at arm wrestling, but only by a little

1. Finally offered a formal apology for the Galleleo affair after centuries of recalcitrance, truly a miracle!

RL CHAMPION EXCLUSIVE!!! The 1st Notch Revealed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-04-11T02:47:00.001-07:00

RL CHAMPION EXCLUSIVE

LIFE IS SHORT AND I'VE BEEN MAKING YOU GUYS WAIT FAR TOO LONG. THE RL CHAMPION ULTIMATE TURBO 20-NOTCH SYSTEM™ IS HERE. THE TIME IS NOW.

HERE

THE

FIRST

NOTCH

RL Champion Ultimate Success Stories Vol.1

2011-04-11T02:07:00.000-07:00

I spend a lot of time lecturing you guys about getting RESULTS with the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™, but I recently discovered a shocking secret that changes everything FOREVER.

As it turns out, not everybody is a good listener. It's not that you guys aren't trying to understand the POWER of the SYSTEM, but get this: I know I don't usually admit to being wrong, I'm perfect after all, but this time I have to admit it: I have some room for improvement. It's not easy but there I said it. I counted on you guys listening and understanding, but my message is just too powerful for most guys to comprehend. That's how this all got started.

Beginning today, I'm going to keep lecturing you to work the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ (you're not getting off THAT easy, ha! Ease causes gynecomastia and Prius ownership, I won't ever let THAT happen to my loyal readers). But from now on, in addition to TELLING you the benefits of working the System™, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU- real life success stories of guys who have taken it up a notch by working the System, The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™

Obama Reelection Speech Leaked

2011-03-29T22:10:00.000-07:00

Full Text:

Many things have happened. History.

[pause for applause]

4 years ago I stood before you. I was a little more handsome, had a little less grey in my hair.

[flash smile]

[pause for applause]

From Michigan to Minnesota, from Delaware to Dubai, Harlem to Haiti, from Amsterdam to Atlanta, Los Angeles to Laos, Liverpool to Lexington, Texas to Tennessee, from Kentucky to Katmandu, New York to New Haven, from the great planes of Nebraska to the sweeping skyline of Shanghai, from valley to valley, mountaintop to mountaintop, from Australia to Anchorage, Illinois to Idaho, from Montreal to Mexico, Miami to Mali, from Mozambique to Moscow, Vermont to Vienna, from Gettysburg to Greensboro.

[pause for applause]

When I took office Iraq, Iraq, Iraq. I saved us from a great depression. We're adding good private sector jobs *cough cough*, no seriously folks, no joke *cough*. Ted Kennedy, Ted Kennedy, Ted Kennedy. China-never uh mind, uh. I shot those pirates, remember? Iraq, Iraq, Iraq. Iraq cost us a trillion dollars. Iraq, Iraq, Iraq. The Bush-Cheney recession. Iraq. I delivered change, to uh, well, Tunisia. I love the troops. I make love to the troops. Support the troops. Honor. Troops. Troops. Troops. Marines. Army. Navy. Coast Guard. Army Reserve. ROTC. Pimply faced kids playing Call of Duty 4 on xBox-360 who will soon be recruited to fly our UAVs. Education, I know I didn't get around to it, but I planned to, I swear. 4 more years. 4 more years. 4 more years. We're winning the war in Iran, a strong America will never replace the commander in chief during wartime. Strength. Unity Unity Unity. Winning. Tiger Blood. Republicans want to kill your grandma.

[pause for applause]

From Sacramento to Sarasota, from Iceland to India, Brazil to Bolivia, from Puerto Rico to Portugal, from Dublin to Des Moines, Arizona to Alaska, from Cleveland to California, from Newark to the Netherlands, the Philippines to the Falkland Islands, from Monaco to Madagascar, from Algeria to Albania, from Mississippi to Montgomery, from Arkansas to Albany.

[pause for applause]

Thank You and may God continue to bless these United States... ... ... ... of America.

Romney Prepares For 2012 Bid

2011-03-20T14:55:00.000-07:00

Mike Huckabee Scraps 2012 Bid to Audition For America's Got Talent

2011-03-20T14:41:00.000-07:00

Donald Trump Launches Bid For 2012

2011-03-20T14:34:00.001-07:00

Obama Begins Bid for 2012

2011-03-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

American people furious after Daniel Ellsberg arrested outside White House

2011-03-20T13:32:00.000-07:00

An anonymous protester wearing an army uniform and a 'Don't Tread On Me' trucker hat spoke to Harry The Partridge upon leaving an anti-war rally that led to 100 arrests including the arrest of drug-loving sex pervert Daniel Ellsberg. "We've had enough of these strong-arm tactics from President Nixon, we have a right to peaceably assemble and voice our opposition to war here on the 8th anniversary of the Iraq War. Daniel Ellsberg has commit no crime. We have a duty as patriotic American citizens to voice our objections to the treatment of Brad Manning. Nixon's own State Department Spokesman called the treatment "ridiculous, counterproductive and stupid". We all expected so much more from President Nixon, it seems very little has actually changed since George Bush. We are deeply concerned for Ellsberg's safety as Henry Kissinger has been calling for Ellsberg and Michael Moore to be killed. We call on President Nixon to respect the constitution he swore to uphold. Nixon must allow antiwar protester to peaceably assemble, exercise their right to free speech, grant Bradley Manning a speedy trial, and rein in the DoD's use of cruel and unusual punishment. We further call on President Nixon to reject P.J. Crowley's resignation for telling the truth, and to denounce Kissinger's calls to kill or defame political opponents. We voted for change and it's high time President Nixon delivers on some of his promises."

Breaking News: French Surrender

2011-03-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

Libya(Sasquatch Wire) Obama's broad coalition just got narrower as the French surrendered Sunday. Faced with the menacing threat of several unibrowed youths throwing stones and molotov cocktails roughly in the direction of French fighter jets, Nicolas Sarkozy phoned Obama to declare "enough is enough".

Charlie Sheen Doesn’t Know the Meaning of Winning By Rex Larry Champion

2011-03-07T00:49:00.001-08:00

I know Harry The Partridge might not agree, but roughing up hookers and banging seven gram rocks is no way to win.

There is only one way to win. And that is by winning. And the only way to do THAT is by working the system. The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System.

I have something better than tiger blood. I have chetah blood, man.

Chetahs are faster than tigers. So who’s really winning?

Charlie Sheen only thinks his winning, but like most nancy boys he’s really losing. Bi-losing, tri-losing, I’ve lost count. He’s losing here, losing there, losing everywhere, man.

After a few years that “winning” tattoo is going to look as cool as a “where’s the beef?” tattoo, or a certain “Billy Bob” tattoo- you know who you are.

If you ever played arcade games at Round Table Pizza back in the 80’s, you know that Winners Don’t Use Drugs.

WTF

2011-02-05T22:52:00.000-08:00

Protest sign depicting Mubarak as Hitler, Satan and.... The Laughing Cow??

Breaking News: Putin Hits The Jackpot?

2010-11-09T20:07:00.000-08:00

Aladdin's Castle (Sasquatch Wire) Vladimir Putin just won 500 tickets at Skee Ball. The de facto Russian dictator expressed momentarily delight before discovering he would need an additional 64,500 tickets to afford the glistening iPod Nano locked away in the arcade’s display case. Unsatisfied with the choices of a Chinese finger trap and an apple flavored Jolly Rancher, Putin traded the remaining 15,000 Rubles in his wallet for more tokens in hopes he could at least end the day with a Beanie Baby or at bare minimum, a Spiderman Pez dispenser. Russian expert Sasquatch warns the frustrated leader may resort to KGB tactics and return to the site after dark with plastic explosives to get that damned iPod.

Putin Midlife Crisis Update

2010-11-07T13:24:00.000-08:00

Again, sometimes words are not needed.

Six year old trick or treater:

2010-10-31T18:40:00.000-07:00

"I'm a clone"

In another town I might have had to ask "don't you mean clown?"

Halloween Bells By Edgar Allen Poe

2010-10-31T18:24:00.000-07:00

Hear the shrieking of the bells

Halloween Bells!

Mean Bells

Make you scream bells

What a world of fright as you're hung by your lapels

Upside-down above a flaming cauldron

Of your enemy's delight

Their vibration steals your breath

Their gleeful mocking tone

Toasts your rendezvous with death

Oh, the bells, bells, bells!

Litter gloomy solemn air with the ramparts of doom

Yet all is not lost for there's redemption in this room

As ghouls, angelic ghouls?

Avulse the flesh from the bones of John Tesh

Wondrous Bells!

Halloween Bells!

Don't mope bells

There's still hope that your lightly used soul sells

To the highest ebay bidder with perfect feedback

Wall Street Bells!

Keeping time, time, time,
In a sort of Runic rhyme,

The nightmare is as bad as it seems

As the ghouls hoard baskets of disembodied dreams

In their closets just like Guidos stock hair gels

So forewarn the bells

Gloomy bells!

If salvation is your goal

Hurry because time is short

Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock

Place a put option on your soul

Only you can't afford the premium

Now the bells bring on delirium

Broadcasting your demise at their symposium

Auctioning your organs to thieving swine

For cheap

For your parts are more worthless than their sum

Your strutting fretting petty drama is drowned out

By the cackling laughing hum

Of the bells, bells, bells -
The gleeful laughing of the bells,
Of the bells, bells, bells, bells,
Bells, bells, bells

The haunting and the hating of the halloween bells

2010-10-31T15:50:00.000-07:00

HAPPY ALL HALLOW'S EVE

2010-10-22T05:13:00.000-07:00

There have always been the haves and the have-nots.

It’s a tale as old as time.

I’m not going to get all weepy-eyed about it.

If our positions were reversed, they’d do the same thing to me!

Probably even worse!

In fact, they owe me a debt of gratitude!

A debt of gratitude for showing RESTRAINT for a man in my position!

The Definitive Guide to Life’s Simple Pleasures by Harry The Partridge

2010-10-22T04:14:00.000-07:00

So what’s your pleasure?

Some chaps need fast cars hand built in Europe by men wearing string bikinis. Many need luxury travel. Power. Perhaps fame. A diamond grill in their mouth? [Some people live just to play the ga-a-ame. Sing it Alicia!] Can’t stop throwing those lavish parties in East Egg now. West Egg, keep it bumpin’ (and isn’t it time to put a few more flat screens in your Escalade?) Some chaps need a legacy, a snotty little puke to carry on the family traditions of assfulness and plunder. Don't forget the grimacing, glowering, sunburned, crusty old sea-faring buttholes who require three yards of yacht for every year they’ve had ED. Some need four yards. Some souls eventually take to doing lines of coke off the Gutenberg Bible at the Library of Congress. Those who have it all generally come to worship scarcity over utility and soon make a sport of amassing lifeless trophies (Maltese Falcon or Geronimo’s Skull anyone? Angelina Jolie?) Some steal cash just for the fuck of it: Bernie Madoff, Lou Pearlman, Marc Dreier I’m looking in your direction.

Anything goes as long as there is a conspicuous dearth of even the rudest sense of noblesse oblige among contemporary America’s shabby and lackadaisical upper crust (both fresh and stale). Evil abounds as idle monied hands play their dangerous games and all looking-glasses are self-generated. All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up! The Koch brothers get a hard-on from giving your kids cancer, hear hear! When the world is yours, it’s easy for your appetites to ruin you (although this isn’t always the case. Kim Jong Un looks to be a paragon of temperance, doesn’t he?)

Insular moguls slide down every slippery slope there is like kids at the water park. It becomes child’s play to play Russian roulette with someone else’s head like Phil Specter and actually expect to get away with it, or try to claim diplomatic immunity with a totally straight face after beating a gay sex slave to death like that Saudi Prince (epic FAIL guys). At the bottom of every slide there is madness and misery. But this is of course nothing new. The great tug of war between virtue and vice is a tale as old as time. From the Greek playwrights down through Shakespeare, the fine tradition of dramatizing man’s moral quest continues in our day in the form of television programing like Jersey Shore. There is no need to worry however as long as there are admirable adult role models like Justin Bieber to guide our youth.

Before you lose heart, I, Harry The Partridge, have some great news to share with you this evening. At the considerable risk of being pegged a long-feathered counter-zeitgeist sort of fellow I’ll say it loud: You don’t need to keep your maid in a cage, buy the governor’s mansion, or get bespoke riding boots from John Lobb to find true happiness in life. Many of the greatest pleasures in life are free or nearly so. So without further ado, I bring you The Definitive Guide to Life’s Simple Pleasures.

The pleasures:

•Take the T into Cambridge and punch some random prick wearing an ascot in the face.

•Swill beer and shout “go Sox”.

Ok. I’m embarrassed. That’s it. That’s all I can think of.

Stay tuned then for Harry The Partridge's Guide to Ultimate Luxury. Oh hell, I’m too lazy, go read RL Champ. I’m going to go do a vodka shot in my eye and donkey punch a hooker, then Tweet about it.

Zombie Update

2010-10-18T20:59:00.000-07:00

"I have been reading the morning paper. I do it every morning--knowing well that I shall find in it the usual depravities and basenesses and hypocrisies and cruelties that make up civilization, and cause me to put in the rest of the day pleading for the damnation of the human race. I cannot seem to get my prayers answered, yet I do not despair." - Mark Twain

Knowing that Mark Twain would be watching the train wreck too makes it somewhat easier for me to confess to visiting the sordid world of Matt Drudge from time to time.

Now that my embarrassed and admittedly feeble apologia for reading the Drudge Report is out of the way (I still feel dirty, ok?), I can get to the point.

Drudge ran these pictures today:

So now that the [it's painful to say it, but the, ugh,] mainstream press, has caught on to what we have been reporting since 2007, will the public finally start taking the Zombie threat seriously?

Sasquatch is doubtful. "People expect Matt Drudge to be painfully juvenile so the impact of the message is diminished. In the wham-bang age of web 2.0 and the 24/7 news cycle it's easy for anything and everything to get lost in an ocean of white noise. Say there was an important piece of news, I mean really important, like life on Earth was going to be destroyed, would anyone care or notice? Oh wait, that is today's news.

As much as I want to dwell on the fact the Barak Obama is in fact a zombie, we must put things in perspective now. Humans are destroying life on Earth. As a Sasquatch, this comes as no surprise to me, but it is horrifying nonetheless. My current habitat is a suite at Caesar's, but if humans continue to recklessly destroy species, the Earth's fragile ecosystem may no longer support the shrimp and cocktail sauce I ate just a moment ago, and so I may for the first time come to face a larger danger than poaching. The human race may yet get the damnation Mark Twain prayed for. You don't want to see a Sasquatch without his cocktail shrimp."

Archeological Discovery Sheds New Light on Timeline For Life on Earth

2010-08-31T23:13:00.000-07:00

Scientists recently discovered the oldest known animal fossils.

Fossils of the sponge-like animals found in Southern Australia date to 650 million years ago making them the oldest ever discovered. The previous oldest known animal fossils were 580 million years old, discovered by archeologists in a shrimp entrée at Long John Silvers in 2008. Following that exciting discovery, a $15 Million grant from the National Science Foundation was awarded to a team of archeologists working to unlock the mysteries of the Neoproterozoic era by excavating more dishes at Long John Silvers, but the project was cut short after all of the investigators died. This recent discovery in Australia renews hope for archeologists who may now see there are other, less dangerous avenues remaining to expand our understanding of Earth's oldest macroscopic life.

Jimmy, If You Get One More F, I'm Taking You To LONG JOHN SILVERS!

2010-08-27T02:32:00.000-07:00

Putin Midlife Crisis Foreshadows Nuclear Holocaust

2010-08-25T23:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes words are not needed

Furious Obama Fires CIA Director Over Iran Mix-Up

2010-08-24T15:05:00.000-07:00

Washington (Sasquatch Wire) -- Obama’s audacious dream to further American hegemony while keeping his hands cleaner than his predecessor via the strategic application of soft power has been plagued by early problems and the ramifications are grave. Last year’s Green Revolution in Iran started out promising and ended in dismal failure while greatly weakening the United States in the eyes of Israel, which is now on the fast track to launching strikes against Iran without American blessings. Obama’s failure on Iran during his first year in office may prove to become one of the defining legacies of his presidency. Recent revelations show CIA incompetence may be more to blame than problems with Obama’s strategic acumen.

From day one Obama made a top priority of covertly backing color revolutions in an attempt to change the world on the cheap, modeling his attempts roughly after earlier CIA (or occasionally George Soros) -backed successes such as the Polish Solidarity Movement, the Orange Revolution in Ukraine, Rose Revolution in Georgia etc.

To that end, Obama ordered the CIA to get serious and throw their whole weight behind the Mujahidin, which Writing Rendezvous sources have characterized as a “half-hearted, half-assed project the CIA had been dicking around with for years. The mission experienced significant drift as they went from playing cards and drinking scotch to killing half of their assets in Iraq for no particular reason.” Obama also demanded the CIA revamp their other assorted shenanigans in Iran, yelling at them to “quit jerking off, I don’t want another Bay of Pigs” according to a source familiar with the conversation.

In one plan nixed by Obama, the CIA had planned to kidnap Ayatollah Ali Khamenei (jokingly called the EyeBrowTollah in intelligence circles) and shave his eyebrows off in the hopes an eyebrowless Ayatollah would lose respect and quickly be deposed from power. The CIA seems to be working out of the same play book that led it to an attempt against Castro’s beard in the 60’s [editor’s note: this isn’t a joke, the CIA really did try to make Castro’s beard fall out by putting thallium salts in his boots in hopes the seat of his power would fall to the floor along with his whiskers].

In another ongoing franchise, the CIA has been editing all American TV shows to contain propaganda for the Iranian market. Iranians are quite fond of tuning into Baywatch using their satellite dishes (frequently confiscated by the government and just as frequently replaced in an endless cycle of mirth). While it is generally held that the theocrats take issue with silicone juggs, it appears Iranian leaders have a quite rational objection to the satellite dishes given the modified content being broadcast into Iranian living rooms. For example, David Hasselhoff’s character on Baywatch is quite given to ridiculing Amadinijhad, often calling him a turkish whore, midget, camel-fucker, homosexual, or jew.

The version of Obama’s Cairo speech aired in Iran contained scarcely-veiled references to ‘follow The Hoff, for like Muhammad, he is a prophet of sorts’.

As if the situation couldn’t get more chaotic, in a shocking turn of events this week WikiLeaks unsheathed documents proving that for years the CIA has been erroneously backing the Jem'Hadar inside of Iran instead of the Mujahidin.

This new revelation of CIA incompetence couldn’t come at a worse time for Obama as hawks in the Department of Defense have been wriggling the reins away from the soft-power camp, reanimating the spectre of direct military confrontation in Iran, Syria, North Korea, Pakistan, Northern Africa, and the Gamma Quadrant. Eager to disrupt Chinese oil supply, Ferengi and Dominion cargo vessels will be targeted at the onset of any military conflict and the United States will act aggressively to seize control of all oilfields and pipelines in the galaxy.

When the revised version of the 2007 National Intelligence Estimate comes out, hawks plan to kill two birds with one stone by overstating Iran’s nuclear progress and implicating The Ferengi in a seized shipment of gold-pressed latinum bound for Iran found to be hiding bars of uranium.

Bringing the NIE into alignment with MI6 and Mossad assertions will isolate Obama and make his reliance on diplomacy and soft power increasingly difficult to defend. War is looking more likely and any shakeup of the CIA may be too little, too late given the scope of its problems.

During a heated closed congressional hearing Tuesday which Harry The Partridge was able to sneak into, the former CIA director tried to defend the damning mistake. “I offered Obama my resignation this morning but you know as well as I that intelligence agencies have blind spots. Jem’Hadar, Mujahidin- They sound almost exactly the same, it was an honest mistake. This project has been underfunded for years and we still lack adequate translators. Compounding the problem, the Jem’Hadar and Mujahidin dress and speak in a very similar fashion. We need congress to shower money on the CIA to punish us for our dismal failure.”

Speculation now abounds as to what role the mistake played in the underwhelming Green Movement and whether it is too late for a second shot.

Political analyst Sasquatch comments “This revelation is a double edged sword for Obama. On one hand it is a terrible foreign policy embarrassment; although this has been going on since Clinton or Bush 41, the leak happened on Obama’s watch so he owns it now. On the other hand, it allows him to make the case of ‘Give me more time; If the Mujahidin-e-Khalq get the support originally intended, we may still cultivate a sufficiently destabilizing force- that extra little push we need so the next color revolution in Iran will stick.’ Obama may get somewhere with this line of argumentation as many stomachs are queazy these days about war with Iran. As I speak, you can guarantee that the CIA has withdrawn support for the Jem’Hadar and we are now sitting down with the Mujahidin to talk shop. It is likely that future sanctions and possible face-to-face talks with Iranian leaders are little more than stall tactics, designed more than anything to keep Israel's finger off the trigger while we continue to work aggressively on transforming Iran from within. A new propaganda team is desperately needed to make David Hasselhoff’s call for revolution more persuasive. Whatever happens we must hope the CIA has learned from its past mistakes and is now giving the Iranian Mujahidin the support it needs to succeed and nothing more, we mustn’t forget this is a marriage of convenience and it can come back to bite us down the road if we are not careful; the last thing we need is to see the Mujahidin armed with photon-torpedoes.”

The Greatest Rube Goldberg Machine: How WikiLeaks Documents Reach Julian Assange

2010-08-22T20:21:00.000-07:00

An elaborate labyrinth is used to safeguard, verify, and anonymize WikiLeaks documents prior to their publication. Writing Rendezvous has made an editorial decision to publish this secret procedure under the same philosophy as WikiLeaks itself. To the critic who argues we are undermining the mission of an important organization, we respond that anyone who is expending capital to conceal information from the public probably has impure motives and thus deserves to have their secrets revealed.

Without further ado, here is how they do it:

1.) Document is steganographically encrypted using Tomas Kinkade Paint By Numbers Kit and hung on the wall of the nearest Thomas Kinkade gallery. This is an ideal first drop-off point as there are several Kinkade galleries in every city on earth.

2.) Carefully trained runner undertakes the delicate mission of buying painting while keeping a straight face.

3.) Document is decrypted and translated into Navajo where it is then published in the classifieds section of Japan Business Times.

4.) Blackjack dealer at Fire Rock Navajo Casino in New Mexico buys a copy of Japan Business Times at Barnes & Noble and translates the document into English.

5.) A rigorous fact-checking procedure is used to insure that pranksters or malicious actors have not submitted inauthentic documents. In the case of a leaked military document, document is taken to a VA hospital and all park benches are surveyed for men who look like they might be veterans. WikiLeaks takes pains not to disturb veterans who are busy feeding pigeons or sleeping. Once a man is identified as looking like a veteran he is approached and shown the document whereupon he is asked the question “does this look legit to you?”

In cases of high-profile documents such as the Afghan War Diary, a second veteran sitting on another bench is consulted. In very high-level cases, WikiLeaks may wave its standard policy and disturb a sleeping veteran or one happily feeding pigeons, but only rarely and with the direct authorization of Julian Assange himself.

6.) If the document is authenticated, it is placed in a nondescript manilla envelope and mailed to Kurt Loder, who is known to be too stoned to check his mail during the days of monday-sunday.

7.) Kurt Loder’s neighbor assumes the document and makes several copies by hand, using a quill pen and only moonlight for illumination while spooky music plays in the background. This step is unnecessary, but Kurt Loder’s neighbor feels slighted by the banality of his role in the labyrinth.

8.) The extra copies along with an accompanying special message are placed into envelopes and addressed to Seymour Hersh, David Barstow, Susan Schmidt, the BBC, and Lil Wayne. These envelopes are stored in five separate safe-deposit boxes belonging to five different individuals living in different cities, each pledged to mail their envelope to its respective journalism arm in the event that the document is in some manner blocked from publication (as to be demonstrated by the document not appearing on the site by a certain date including the events of the site being shut down or Julian Assange dying a mysterious death).

9.) Additional copies produced in a similar manner are placed into jars of peanut butter where they are distributed around the globe to areas that give Uncle Sam a headache including but not limited to Sweden, Iceland, Belgium, The Cayman Islands, The Pakistani-Afghan Border Region, The North Caucasus, The Guatemala-Chiapas Border, as well as several of America’s ungovernable tribal regions such as Detroit, Camden, and St. Louis.

10.) The peanut butter is enjoyed with crackers and celery sticks and the document is translated back into electronic format where it sent via secure TOR networks to Australia.

11.) Steps 1-10 are repeated for fun.

12.) Fake documents labeled “wiki-leeks”, containing recipes for potato leek soup are delivered to the WikiLeaks PO box at the University of Melbourne.

13.) Real documents delivered to secret WikiLeaks headquarters (which changes location every 3 days) by Julian Assange’s confederates who have infiltrated the Australian Postal Service at all levels.

14.) Julian Assange personally reads every document to be published, types it up and formats it on his laptop while wearing a beaglepuss. The document is now ready to change history.

15.) A hamster wheel powers a conveyer belt which knocks a billiards ball onto a furnace blower which wakes up a cat who knocks over a bird cage which turns on a stove which boils water in a whistling tea kettle which whistles when boiled thus waking another sleeping cat which has been carefully trained to not wake up during any of the previous stages of the apparatus. The cat chases a mouse which knocks over a domino which knocks over another domino which in turn knocks over another domino which falls off a table and activates a spring loaded boxing glove on a stick which punches a soccer ball which tips over a glass milk bottle which activates a plastic “drinking bird” which pecks the “return key” on a computer keyboard which publishes the document on wikileaks.org for the world to behold.

Schwarzenegger Gets Creative

2010-08-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

Sacramento (AP) -- California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today signed into law a new measure which will save the finically troubled state several hundred dollars a year on its electric bill. "Now is the time to pinch our pennies. Every dollar counts. We must be creative to face these challenges" the governor said in a brief prepared statement. The new law will do away with the right for condemned death row inmates to choose their last meal; from now on the last meal will be only the Super Combo Shrimp Platter from Long John Silvers, thus allowing the electric chair to be retired.

Interview with Terrence Rumplebottom IV

2010-08-13T14:59:00.001-07:00

Writing Rendezvous recently had the opportunity to sit down with noted academic Terrence Rumplebottom IV, current holder of the Augustus Breastus Chair of Barbarian Studies at Cambridge University. Below are the highlights of our illuminating discussing with Rumplebottom, in which we discussed various issues of global import including war, peace, the Twilight Saga, and why personal hygiene and eco-awareness can never truly coexist.

WR: Thanks for joining us, Professor Rumplebottom. We have reached a pivotal point in American history: the largest financial reform bill in decades was recently signed into law, we are in the process of concluding two major foreign wars, and the Kardashian sisters' relationship may be beyond repair. Can you think of another time in our history that has been filled with such tumult?

Rumplebottom: The only period that immediately comes to mind is the presidential election of 1742, which pitted Taft against Roosevelt. The country was heavily divided over a number of pivotal questions. Should they make peace with the Klingons and war with the Romulans? Peace with the Cardassians and war with the Ferengi? In the back country, farmers were in open revolt over whether "fish and chips" should be renamed "fish and fries." Some demanded a Gold Standard, while others insisted upon paper money. A third faction remained devoted to Pepsi reward points. Wheel of Fortune was a new and untested concept.

WR: Many people feel that the recent health care reform effort amounts to "government healthcare." What is your perspective?

Rumplebottom: We rely on the government for so many things. Without the federal government, there would be no one to deliver the mail, defend the borders, and tell us where to stand in line at the DMV. The current healthcare system is extremely stratified. The wealthiest Americans have access to the best doctors and hospitals in the world. The middle class must resort to leaches. The most deprived must receive treatment at Kaiser. Something must be done to alleviate this disparity.

WR: You taught Harry the Partridge when he read at Cambridge. What can you tell us about Harry's early life?

Rumplebottom: Harry was a dedicated student and quite resilient. Many people do not know this, but Harry nearly succumbed to avian flu several months before his final examinations after eating bad seeds in Hong Kong during Winter Mass vacation. Harry was particularly gifted in languages and the fine arts. It was said that he moved the eyes in the Portrait of Gertrude Stein using only his mind. He also came from a very humble background, as his mother was a carrier pigeon for Federal Express and his father was severely injured in a hunting accident by Dick Cheney's grandfather. What he has accomplished is truly amazing.

WR: Before we conclude, I'd like briefly to get your thoughts on Axe Body Spray...

Rumplebottom: That commercial with the man shooting water out of his armpits is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen.

Coming Soon...

2010-08-03T21:38:00.000-07:00

Click To Enlarge

A Villanelle by Harry the Partridge

2010-08-03T21:24:00.000-07:00

A multiverse isn’t somewhere to be

Stretch your mind ‘till it bends and you’ll see

A multiverse is manywhere to be

Walk forward or back

What you get’s what you see, or is it?

A multiverse isn’t somewhere to be

Walk straight or walk gay or walk fast

All at once perhaps you’ll all three

A multiverse is manywhere to be

In times of distress oh to jump

From one parallel to the next, any but this, but alas

A multiverse isn’t somewhere to be

Heartening hope harvested from a thriving tree

The knowledge of manythings different though unseen

A multiverse is manywhere to be

As long as I’m me there’s no hope I can see

Can I finally rest knowing I’m we?

A multiverse isn’t somewhere to be

A multiverse is manywhere to be

Men’s Health Isn’t Just About Boners By Rex Larry Champion

2010-08-03T21:20:00.001-07:00

Men’s Health is a sensitive issue for a lot of guys, but it doesn’t have to be.

You see, the other guys want you to think that Men’s health is just about boners.

Thanks to the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™, guys who use the system don’t need to sweat it. After working the system, most guys become so spectacular, their wives and girlfriends practically need sunglasses from the ultimate brilliance of their package.

To sum up this first point, my RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ makes boner problems a thing of the past.

So what’s left?

A lot of guys think that boners are all there is to Men’s health, so now that we conquered it, I can just pack up my gym bag and drive home, right?

That’s taking the easy way out and if there’s one thing my readers know by now, RL Champion never takes the easy way out. Taking the easy way out is for nancy boys who forever vanquish their aspirations with quitting. You can’t quit it, you have to keep churning these articles out for your loyal readers, churn it out.

I’m here today to let the world know there’s a lot more to Men’s health than boners.

I know I’ve lost some of you, because this flies in the face of everything you’ve ever been taught. Bear with me. By the time you’re done reading this article, you’ll be armed with the knowledge that Men’s health is more than you think, and more than you ever thought possible.

Men’s health is about being able to bench press the Sears Tower.

There, I said it. I know, most guys think that bench pressing the Sears Tower is impossible. That’s only because they never worked the Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ to get past the boner thing. Once the boner thing is a thing of the past, there’s a whole new world of Men’s health you never knew about it. I wouldn’t lie. It’s a simple fact that I bench press the Sears Tower every morning.

I know some of you smart readers are saying to yourselves “No way he benches the Sears every day when he lives all the way in Santa Monica. RLC has personal jets but it would get way too tedious commuting like that. Nobody works out every day anyway; even RL Champion needs time to rest and recover between workouts. Wouldn’t it be so much easier to bench press the U.S. Bank Tower in downtown LA?”

There’s so much wrong with the statement I need to go point by point.

First, I used to work out every day of the week, but I found that I wasn’t quite getting the RESULTS I wanted. I discovered that my routine was perfect, which is when I made the shocking discovery that it was the 7-day week standing in my way. So I developed an 8th day of the week. I call it Champday but if you decide to move to an 8-day week, you can call it anything you like.

Before you jump in and say you’re planning to move to a 9-day week, don’t even bother, I tried it and all it did was put me in that barren no-man's land of diminishing returns. 8 days is optimal. Most guys work out 5 or 6 days a week. I work out 8 days a week. So anyone who hears that you can’t work out every day is wrong.

I admit it, I used to bench press the U.S. Bank Tower all the way back when it was First Interstate World Center. That’s when I first started discovering the secrets of true Men’s health. But soon I needed a bigger challenge so I moved on to curling the WTC and the Petronas Towers before eventually deadlifting the Golden Gate Bridge and bench pressing the Sears Tower. The Sears is my favorite lift so I do it every day.

Yes, it’s true that I have personal jets. That’s the only thing you got right. I like to fly them for fun and I do reverse crunches while hanging from the ailerons with my toes. But anyone who tells you that I fly to Chicago every morning is lying to you because the simple truth is that I don’t fly from Santa Monica to Chicago, I jog.

Being able to jog from Santa Monica to Chicago is another pillar of Men’s health most guys will never experience.

I have a client who has been working the system who jogs from Moscow to London every morning to bench press Big Ben. Pretty impressive huh? Well I’m not impressed. I forgot to mention, when I jog from Santa Monica to Chicago, I don’t run East, I run West. Sometimes I go for an extra lap all the way around the globe before I get there. I told you, RL Champion never takes the easy way out. Running the short way from Santa Monica to Chicago is like cutting corners, you just don’t do it if you’re after Ultimate Satisfaction and Ultimate Results for Ultimate Performance and Ultimate Results. Ultimate Men’s Health is not easy, I wont lie to you. It’s hard work. But the other option is to sit at home wondering why those other programs just aren’t working for you.

I could give you even more secrets of Men’s health, but this information is just too valuable to share all at once. You guys have to spend some time to think about what you just learned. I want all of you to hunger for Men’s health. Stay tuned for the next installment and until then, remember these words: STRENGTH isn’t what you do or who you are or even how much you make, it’s about thrusting past the road blocks in the road and moving beyond them, move it out, move to your wildest dreams forever so you never look backwards to regrets but only ahead to everlasting glory and ultimate potency for peak performance and ultimate Men’s health.

RL. Champion

Crap, it's going to be a long day...

2008-12-18T08:34:00.000-08:00

Looks like they brought back the 2 for 1 special at Long John Silver's.

Pass the Tofurkeyducken, Please

2008-11-24T23:42:00.000-08:00

Ingredients:

3 lb. turkey, with gizzards removed, then replaced, then assembled to create a scale model of the Great Mosque of Cordoba
2 tsp salt
3 Tbsp cooking oil or 1 Tbsp of drippings from Steven Lavin's hair
2 loaves of organic, whole-wheat artisan bread
1/2 cup sage
2 cups chicken broth
1 lemon
1 bunch of cilantro
1 tsp whole peppercorns

1. Assemble ingredients 4 hours before guests are scheduled to arrive.
2. Brine turkey in a mixture of saltwater, pepper, and sage for 3 hours.
3. Realize that you were supposed to brine the turkey for at least 48 hours. Use internet to locate the nearest Boston Market.
4. Place chicken broth in a large saucepan. Bring to boil.
5. Continue to boil until fully evaporated.
6. Attempt to recapture the broth vapor by flailing a measuring cup around for five minutes.
7. Grind the peppercorns and cilantro together with a mortar and pestle. If the pestle breaks, use the artisan bread.
8. Use a diamond saw to quarter the artisan bread. Place it in a paper bag. Donate it to Second Harvest Food Bank.
9. Check the score of the Lions game.
10. Study family photo album to ensure that you are able to correctly identify all extended relatives, as well as their prior convictions.
11. Offer neighbors $100 for their cooked turkey, $200 if they will throw in a honeybaked ham.
12. Order Chinese.

5 Reasons Why I Can Not Vote For John McCain By Harry The Partridge

2008-11-02T10:18:00.000-08:00

There are a number of reasons why I can not vote for John McCain, the least of which that I am ineligible as a British citizen (to make no mention of my status as a partridge.)

No matter, there are reasons why my conscience would forbid me from ever voting for John McCain even if I legally could, five to be precise.

One: John McCain vehemently and even physically opposed the Virginia Plan at the constitutional convention, at one point punching James Madison in the face and calling him a "lopped-off dog member not fit for a Scottish dinner table". McCain took particular issue with Madison's suggestion that the Articles of Confederation be modified to "accomplish the objects proposed by their institution". McCain instead favored an approach of ineptitude as laid out in the New Jersey Plan which resolved that each state would be represented by a chicken, 12 sheep, and 37 pigs. Ever the maverick, John McCain kept his protest alive for over two centuries by hiring only fowl, sheepish, or porcine staffers to work under him during his long tenure in the Senate. John McCain: wrong in 1787, wrong in 2008.

Two: According to reliable internet sources, John McCain is a level 33 Freemason, loyal to the craft.

Three: Insert Sarah Palin joke here.

Four: That filthy septic John McCain still calls us limeys.

Five: it is alarmingly easy to imagine John McCain as a Tin Tin character. Surely such a man is not fit to be head of state in the 21st century.
"Even with the burqa, you still look like a trollop"

Notes From Pecking, By Roscoe Hammond

2008-08-19T05:22:00.000-07:00

Eyes from around the globe are on the Pecking extravaganza as the latest chapter in this quadrennial saga is seared into the history books. As the assembled crowd marvels at the high-flying feats of our most shining specimens of athletics, any personage in attendance would have it be that this were the ultimate Olympiad, the games to end all games. I am with you today so it be known that this couldn't be further from the truth. For what is now held in high regard by our sporting companions is but a pale imitation of the unsullied games of yesteryear. With modern tinctures and tonics like EPO and hGH it is possible to be fast and strong, but where may I ask is the finesse, the style, the heart and soul? With little more than some ground ox testicle and elbow grease as training companions in the weeks leading up to the big event, I boldly transported a locomotive from Chicago to St. Louis using only my teeth to mark the opening ceremony of the 1904 Olympic Games in St. Louis. I went on to win three gold medals in the biceps curl, the situp, and the freestyle kettle ball prance. My kettle ball routine was so moving that men of good and low breeding alike were brought together in tears, weeping for weeks at my magnificence. How many men has Michael Phelps brought to tears?

The Strange Career of Alphie Dunderson, Child Genius

2008-07-01T22:21:00.000-07:00

How will future generations remember Alphie Dunderson? Or, put more simply, will his preternatural ability to solve a rubik's cube using only disposable chopsticks be overshadowed by his penchant for wearing pleated chinos with Harley Davidson t-shirts? Like many boy geniuses, Alphie's tremendous gifts manifested themselves at an early age. His first grade teacher credits him with proving (definitively) that, regardless of whether one selects the "whites" or "colors" cycle, a pair of jeans will take at least 50 minutes to dry on high heat. An avid reader of comics, Alphie was said to have predicted not only the death and resurrection of Superman, but also, prior to the replacement of Bryan Singer with Brett Ratner, that X-Men 3 would suck.

Yet Alphie was also the consummate renaissance man. It has been said that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. Etymologists now believe that aphorism was coined after someone saw Alphie walking across a parking lot and up half a flight of stairs. At age 14, Alphie was spotted at a New York Knicks game, in which dazzled onlookers remained transfixed as he singlehandedly discovered why italicized letters must be used during Fourier transformations. The next day he was offered a job as the Knick's starting power forward. His parents were said to have compared his early fingerpaintings to classic de Kooning and it has been speculated that, had he not suffered a traumatic cheek injury while eating a bowl of undercooked rice, Alphie could have been a successful tackling dummy for a Conference USA football team. His skill with the song flute, while perhaps less developed than his other talents, was nonetheless preferable to Duran Duran.

Alas, it seems inevitable that genius goes unrecognized it its own time. Such was the case with Alphie, who spent most of his productive years toiling in cafes, manning the register at various retail stores, and working part-time for English expatriates in the US, who paid him to sit in the back seat and yelp every time they drifted over to the left lane or tried to signal a turn with the windshield wipers. Though his interactional style has been alternately described as "vile," "surly," and "mephitic," future generations will no doubt regret their inability to recognize such a true magus in their midst - if nothing else, we can hope that his legacy will once again make it possible for one to wear chinos when the general consensus is that dark socks and slacks are more appropriate.

Common Motifs: A Survey of Best Practices from Yelp.com

2008-01-24T10:55:00.000-08:00

Vituperative:

Felix's Tapas
5722 Brick Street
Santa Clara, CA

*

"I would rather have a bowl of rancid paella injected into my stomach via an enema than eat at Felix's Tapas again. Even though there were only 11 other people in line, it took almost 3 minutes for the hostess to acknowledge our presence. She even had the gall to ask me how many there were in our party. Was she blind? Could she not see that there were two other people next to me without having it explained to her like an inbred Irish setter? What's more, as soon as I got home I developed an acute pain in my hamstring that I'm convinced must have been caused by sitting on a used hypodermic needle that was discarded onto their filthy upholstery. Honestly, is it too much to ask for a mid-priced family restaurant to have a sharps biohazard disposal on site? I guess I should have expected as much from a place that doesn't accept either Diner's Club or Discover. I know I won't be back here any time soon..."

Doug R.
Pleasant Hill, CA

Dialectical:

Touchdown Sports Bar
4561 Webster St.
Alameda, CA

***

"Pros: Several big-screen high definition TVs, attractive hostesses, serves only the finest liquors and imported beers, free salted nuts
Cons: Only shows bass fishing, staff ignores you, cash only, single-stall bathrooms
Conclusion: The perfect place to watch sports you don't want to see in high definition while continuing to be ignored by attractive women who refuse to sell you any of their high quality stock because you didn't bring cash and even if you wanted to drink you couldn't because you'd start retaining water and spending most of the time in the line for the bathroom."

Mike J.
San Jose, CA

Prevaricatory:

Gruntz Sports Gym
123 Capp Street
San Francisco, CA

***

"I started training here during the off-hours when I'm not adding to my undefeated record in K-1 and Shooto. I was referred here by Rex Larry Champion after agreeing to help him train to fight Rickson Gracie. My main complaint is that they don't have dumbells that go up to 600 pounds. Can you believe that? What about those of us who chest press 1500 pounds? This gym is a little dirtier than the one I'm used to, but maybe that's because I'm usually recognized at the more high-end facilities, where they typically end up giving me latex gloves and sterile scrubs so that the weak juice from the other patrons doesn't get all over my extremities. In the end I stopped training here because, after all, fitness isn't my entire life and I realized that I ought to devote more time to all the hotties hitting me up on the cell 24/7."

George L.
Palo Alto, CA

Pretentious:

Dirty Drawers Records Store
9899 Lawrence Blvd.
San Mateo, CA

**

"As soon as I entered this store it became clear that, despite their claim to specialize in post-hip, deconstructionist, quasi-transmorgifical death grunge, they are actually more influenced by the Borgian, pseudo-metal, urban hillbilly movement. It took less than 5 seconds for me to realize that they were playing a first-release, analog copy of Baked Potato with Chives's seminal release 'No Baco-Bits'. Unfortunately, their credibility was sorely undermined by the fact that they apparently did not have the gold-plated Japanese import version released in 1987. I'd say more, but I'm overdue to chain smoke a few Swisher Sweets in order to cultivate a greater physical resemblance to Lou Reed on a meth binge."

Eric G.
Menlo Park, CA

Self-Aggrandizing:

Mike's Tiling
311 Page Mill
Palo Alto, CA

*****

"I started Mike's five years ago with one goal: To create the best tiling store between California Avenue and San Antonio Road. I'm proud to say that I've done that. With over 500 selections to choose from, including a wide variety of ceramics and natural stones, we also have an extensive color palette that ranges from Englishman White to Venture Capitalist Green. Mike's also features a knowledgeable and attentive staff, over 70% of whom can claim to have a permanent address. While we realize that you have many choices in determining who ought to tile the 3,000 sq. foot foyer of your tacky, overgrown maison idéal in Midtown, rest assured that Mike's has everything you need."

Mike G.
Sunnyvale, CA

Superfluous:

Beacon Gas Station
6444 El Camino Real
San Carlos, CA

***

"Accept all major credit cards. Lights turned on at night for customer convenience. Conveniently labeled buttons to distinguish between 87, 90, and 92 Octane levels. Posted warnings against topping off seldom enforced. Above average selection of Slim Jims."

Don I.
Foster City, CA

Veracious:

Yamamoto Sushi
1222 Castro Street
Mountain View, CA

*****

"I have nothing substantive to say, but check out my profile picture of me in a string bikini and come heavy with the compliments!"

Susie N.
Mountain View, CA

Iowa Caucus Predictions By Harry The Partridge

2008-01-03T17:00:00.000-08:00

Democrats:

1st: Obama

2nd: Edwards

3rd: Clinton

Republicans:

1st: Huckabee

2nd: Romney

3rd: Thompson

Vitamin J: The Wait Is Over

2007-10-28T17:14:00.000-07:00

Ever dreamed you could be Jigantic? Jinourmous? Jimongous?

Stop Dreaming

The Dream Is A Reality

Today

RL Champion Performance Nutrition Is Proud To Present:

Vitamin J

Those other growth agents might give you modest gains, but there is nothing modest about the RESULTS you will achieve with Vitamin J.

Vitamin J is guaranteed to DOUBLE YOUR SIZE, or double your money back, guaranteed.

*To Scale

Dear Iowa,

2007-10-28T17:09:00.000-07:00

They don't love you, you're being used.

God Punishes California For Anal Sex, Vegans

2007-10-23T11:39:00.001-07:00

Washington Post: Marion Jones Admits to Steroid Use

2007-10-04T20:40:00.001-07:00

Writing Rendezvous: No Shit?

Max Roach Lives!

2007-08-16T21:42:00.000-07:00

1924-2007

Random 1980's Throwback

2007-08-11T18:16:00.000-07:00

Introducing Man Spray

2007-08-07T21:28:00.000-07:00

Tired of dropping ice cubes down your shorts to cool your male itch? Sick of trying to figure out whether you can use an athlete's foot spray "down there"? Given up on those other creams and lotions?

Look no further. Your solution is finally here.

The fact is, there's a simple truth the other guys don't want you to know about: You don't have to live with male itch.

Introducing RL Champion Man Spray.
Be cool, put out the fire with RL Champion Man Spray.

For a limited time, get one (1) RL Champion Man Spray FREE with the purchase of any RL Champion Performance Nutrition product.

The Dream Is Now™

2007-08-07T20:53:00.000-07:00

Zombie Update

2007-08-05T13:41:00.000-07:00

Status: Confirmed

2007-08-04T19:29:00.000-07:00

Daily Inspiration By Rex Larry Champion

2007-07-31T02:05:00.000-07:00

Nothing is more rewarding than watching puny nancy boys get RESULTS. It's my passion. My life's work. These are classics and always an inspiration. Enjoy.

Breaking News: Patrick Kennedy Found Sober

2007-07-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

File Photo

(Washington DC) Speaking on the condition of anonymity, staffers working for Representative Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) informed Writing Rendezvous that Kennedy was spotted sober today. Staffers initially became suspicious after the distinguished congressman was seen walking in a straight line. After a series of meetings in which he failed to slur his words, they knew something was amiss. The smoking gun came directly after Kennedy cast a vote for Barney Frank’s amendment on H.R.3074: to the amazement of everyone present (and three or four elderly people watching c-span), Kennedy stayed on the floor rather than making his usual beeline to the men’s to take a swig from his boot flask.

“I couldn’t believe it. Patrick Kennedy was dry as a bone” one staffer relayed “At first some of us speculated that maybe he had a weird schedule, like he’d been partying all night and hadn’t been to bed yet. You know, like he was just waiting a few hours to start drinking again. But then we realized, it’s not like him to show up to work the day after hard partying. His breath didn’t even smell like liquor. To be honest, we were tempted to call the Secret Service because it almost seemed like he was an impostor. We heard that he was drenched in the sauce even when he was in rehab a few months ago. Patrick Kennedy without his hooch is like a fish out of water, we’re all very worried about him.”

This isn’t the first time a Kennedy has been found sober. One afternoon in 1971, Patrick’s father, Edward Kennedy was rumored to have been sober.

Developing...

So A Rabbi And A Preist Go To The Dog Track

2007-07-24T17:37:00.000-07:00

The Priest offers to buy the Rabbi a hot dog and the Rabbi looking surprised says "you know I can't eat that treif!" The Priest having anticipated this objection quickly shoots back "it's ok, they serve Hebrew Nationals here." The Rabbi appears satisfied with this response so he shrugs and says "sure, would you like me to buy you a hotdog Father?" The Priest looks down at his shoes and says "I must decline. Don't you know how much the eating of wieners has cost our diocese already?"

Ask Sasquatch

2007-07-20T19:18:00.000-07:00

Q: You recently challenged four-time World’s Strongest Man winner Magnus Ver Magnuson to an arm wrestling match to raise awareness for the genocide in Darfur. Do you have any updates for us, what is going on with that?

A: I spoke with a representative from Magnus Ver Magnuson’s camp this morning and regrettably he has declined my offer. I’ve been brainstorming for months, trying to figure out how to best raise awareness for this important humanitarian issue, but it’s hard for an unstoppable powerhouse such as myself to find challengers. Before approaching Magnus, I had challenged Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut to a hot dog eating contest, but they declined as well.

Q: That’s a shame. Do you have any other ideas?

A: I have a tentative agreement to be Tucker Carlson’s dance partner for the new season of Dancing With The Stars, but that may pose problematic because Tucker is a heartless isolationist and I don’t want him to deflect the impact of my message.

Q: Sasquatch, when did you first become interested in humanitarian causes?

A: Existing in the world as a large ape-man, I have long known the sting of discrimination and persecution. It’s quite natural for me to side with the underdog. As long as there is injustice I will be angry. As long as there is war and famine and strife I will be there, fighting the good fight in whatever capacity I can.

Q: Do you have any heroes?

A: Edward R. Murrow gave me the courage to speak truth to power. Nelson Mandela taught me the value of perseverance and sacrifice (as well as the importance of committing acts of sabotage against infrastructure as a means of draining your enemy’s piggy bank). Ted Nugent for illuminating the superiority of venison and buffalo meat. Frank Sinatra for providing a soundtrack to my life. Jon Stewart for lowering the bar for comedy which in turn enabled me to get my first big break in show-biz.

Q: David Hasselhoff is conspicuously missing from your list.

A: Oh Yes, what was I thinking. Hassehoff is hero to all, a God among men.

Q: I wish this was an audio interview so that everyone could hear the biting tenor of your sarcasm. Sasquatch, do you ever watch television?

A: No, I have better things to do. Television is for those whom my associate Harry The Partridge would call ‘unlettered knob gobblers’.

Q: I heard you were approached with an offer to co-produce Woody Allen’s upcoming opera. Any truth to that rumor?

A: If I told you, I’d have to kill you.

Q: Sasquatch, what do you think of all the 9/11 conspiracy theories floating around the internets?

A: Well, I must say, I’m ambivalent about the conspiracy crowd. On one hand, they’re one of the few groups that actually recognizes my existence (which I find quite flattering), on the other hand, they believe in a lot of nonsense like UFOs and the like. So as to the 9/11 conspiracy theories, I’m still somewhat on the fence. I find it hard to believe the government would have the competence to pull off such a feat. What I will say is that I’m certain WTC 7 was a controlled demolition. Does this mean that the US Government planned 9/11? Of course not. Tim Osman is surely to blame. Look, if the government had a brain, they would send ME out into those ungoverned areas in Pakistan to hunt down Bin Laden. A Sasquatch would be far more effective in that inhospitable region than special ops.

Q: I’m sensing some real frustration, Sasquatch.

A: It’s hard to be me. I can do it all, but nobody trusts me. If the government could get over it’s prejudices or at minimum extend something like the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy to Sasquatches or Yetis, we would have captured Bin Laden a long time ago.

Q: Who do you like for 2008?

A: Joe Biden. You know he’s half-sasquatch, right?

Q: What’s the other half?

A: You’re a funny man.

Q: You’re rumored to be a connoisseur of fine cigars. Are you alarmed by the proposal to levy a $10/per stogie federal tax (a whopping increase over the current 5¢ tax) to partially pay for a children’s health insurance initiative which congress should have funded with money that was instead squandered on Iraq?

A: It does make a certain kind of logic. Who are these sick kids anyway? I imagine many of them are life-long cigar smokers. Who better to pay the tab than those cigar-smoking sick kids.

Q: Sasquatch, what do you think about Sean “The Muscle Shark” Sherk’s recent positive test for steroids.

A: It makes Baby Jesus cry.

Q: Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?

A: You’re looking at him baby, you’re looking at him. Wait. Ask me again.

Q: What?

A: Ask me again.

Q: Uh, who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?

A: Bill Clinton.

Q: Ok Sasquatch, I can dig it, and I know that you knew that I would. Let’s move along now. George W. Bush is scheduled to undergo a colonoscopy tomorrow and Dick Cheney will be temporarily left in charge. Scared?

A: Sounds like good news to me. Maybe they’ll find George Bush’s head.

News Flash: George W. Bush To Undergo Colonoscopy Tomorrow

2007-07-20T18:17:00.000-07:00

"Maybe they'll find George Bush's head" - Sasquatch

My Rivals Are Unlettered Knob Gobblers By Harry The Partridge

2007-07-15T15:30:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been practicing your craft and everything was flowing and coming together in the most splendid of ways. You were in the zone. That peak alpha state that each of us would occupy forever were it not fleeting by it’s very nature. Have you ever been so engrossed, eating and drinking suddenly find themselves burdensome un-necessities. Indeed, breathing itself becomes scant necessity, for in the throws of your passion (if you were to take notice) you would notice yourself holding your breath. Each second is as long as you need it to be and each proceeding one blends with the previous in the most seamless manner. The distance between your consciousness and your medium has shriveled to nothing. There is nothing in this space but creativity and creation.

And then some bloody tosser comes and interrupts you.

Such was my situation last night as I prepared my piece for Writing Rendezvous.

I will now place you there. As I described, I am really digging in, and presently, a boorish Australian badger barges into my den.

“What say you” I shout “for what purpose do you enter my abode?”

The clumsy creature approaches my desk and I rise to my feet, standing my ground.

“What say you” I repeat “under what authority do you claim entry to this private space?”

“I am here to assist you with the writing of your piece” says the badger “and I come bearing tea and a biscuit tin.”

“Bosh!” I hear myself remark.

[As I write this now, it does not escape my attention that in a round-about way, this scoundrel of a badger has assisted with my piece this week by giving me something to criticize. This irony, now noted, is hence rendered impotent lest any of my sharp-witted readership try to give me grief about it]

The detestable creature from Down Under is now leaning over my desk, glancing transparently at my draft.

This wretched badger is not the first creature to fancy himself an interlocutor in my most private of thoughts, but I decide that he will be the last.

As he opens his mouth to comment, I draw a revolver from my waistband and fire a single shot, delivering the badger to my carpeted floor.

As any civilized fellow would, I dispose of the carcass and have at the biscuits and tea.

The following day, I received a parcel with the word “bomb” written clumsily on one surface. It was accompanied by a note which read as follows:

You fuckwit partrage [sic]. U R a Dead BIRD!

I marked the parcel ‘return to sender’, and read the obituary several days later.

Introducing RL Champion Performance Nutrition. The Dream Is Now™

2007-07-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

Are you sick of going to Mexico to sell your body as a male prostitute just to pay for your roids? Wouldn't it be great if you could get ripped like Jay Cutler or take it up a notch like Barry Bonds, all without risking failed drug tests and adverse side effects like testicular shrinkage, acne, and "roids rage"? Until now, this was just a pipe dream. Now tomorrow is here, today. Introducing RL Champion Performance Nutrition. The most POTENT formulas in the world have arrived. Prepare yourself for RL Champion Performance Nutrition. The Dream Is Now™

Ultimate Oil

You've probably heard of Flax Oil and Fish Oil. I wont deny it, they have Omega-3s in them. Pretty impressive, right? I'm not impressed. What if I told you there was an oil with Omega-50s, would you still be impressed by Omega-3? That's right, that's what I'm talking about. You wont find Omega-50s in Flax Oil or Fish Oil. There's only ONE oil in the world that can deliver such a high level of Potency for Ultimate Performance. For years, THEY DIDN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT IT. Now, RL Champion Performance Nutrition is finally blowing the lid on a product so powerful, it can only be called revolutionary. RL Champion Performance Nutrition proudly presents PEOPLE OIL* You're not a fish so why would you settle for fish oil? RL Champion Performance Nutrition PEOPLE OIL, the world's most POTENT oil with Omega-50.

*Don't let the name fool you, no harm is done to any people to extract this special fluid. RL Champion Nutrition uses a proprietary technique to extract this fluid that is completely safe and harmless. Every batch then goes through a patented multistep process to ensure ultimate purity for ultimate potency and performance. Flax Oil can go rancid and Fish Oil can contain dangerous heavy metals like lead and mercury. PEOPLE OIL can be stored at room temperature for up to five years and like all RL Champion Performance Nutrition products it is guaranteed to be 110% pure.

Ultimate C

We've all heard of Vitamin C. Pretty basic, right? Well you haven't done C until you've tried RL Champion Performance Nutrition Perfor-manC. Perfor-manC is 35,000,000,000 times more potent than regular Vitamin C. In clinical trials, just one capsule of Perfor-manC was enough to kill a mouse. If Perfor-manC can kill a mouse, just think how powerful it will be against bacteria and viruses. With Perfor-manC, you might just never get sick again.

Ultimate Antioxidant

Alpha Lipoic Acid has gotten a lot of attention lately as the versatile antioxidant which is both water and fat soluble. As an added bonus it even recycles other antioxidants such as C, E and CoQ10. Now, RL Champion Performance Nutrition has taken Alpha Lipoic Acid up a notch. Introducing Alpha Lipoic Acid 2. In addition to its predecessor's fat and water soluble properties, Alpha Lipoic Acid 2 is also air-soluble. Because it can cross the blood-brain barrier, this sup is the perfect choice for all of those blondes out there. Once Alpha Lipoic Acid 2 enters the vacuum in the cranial cavity, it bonds with air molecules and can improve cognitive performance. Alpha Lipoic Acid 2 might not make you Shakespeare, but it is the most POTENT antioxidant on the market today.

Ultimate Sports

The other guys try to sell their garbage products with flashy images of Matt Hughes or Chuck Liddell. It's pure marketing. I don't think NOXCG3 helped Rich Franklin when he was getting his nose rearranged by Anderson Silva. RL Champion Performance Nutrition doesn't spend money on marketing, we spend money on Ultimate Research and Development and Ultimate Manufacturing to insure that you, the consumer, get the most POTENT supplements available at the fairest price. While the other guys were busy paying models to promote their junk products, we were quietly developing a revolutionary new matrix that is going change the industry, forever. Introducing RL Champion Performance Nutrition UltraNano NO5XEGCG3000. This stack isn't an evolution of the NO concept, it represents an entirely new supplement class. Using nano technology, we were able to take our carbon up a notch to create a truly next generation free carbon hydro-nitro-turbo-max ion-exchange system. What this means for you is 10,000,000 times more PERFORMANCE than the old stuff. Your pumps will EXPLODE when you go on UltraNano NO5XEGCG3000. Comes in Strawberry, Dutch Chocolate, and Banana.

RL Champion Bars

Lets face it, some guys don't have time to eat. That's why I created RL Champion Bars. If you tried to survive on the those other bars, you'd probably have to take in 15-20 a day just to meet your basic nutrition needs. That's why I created a single bar to get you through the whole day. RL Champion Bars. The Dream Is Now™

Nutritional Information:
Serving Size: 1 Bar
Calories: 6000
Protein: 500 g (Including 120 g BCAA + 75 g l-glutamine)
Total fat: 100 g
Saturated fat: 80 g
Trans fat: 0 g
Cholesterol: 20 g
Sodium: 8000 mg
Total Carbohydrates: 300 g
Sugar: 295 g
Fiber: 0 g

Ingredients: Evaporated cane juice, dutched cocoa (sugar, cocoa butter, chocolate liquor, guar gum, sodium sorbate) ultimate whey protein isolate blend, whey protein concentrate, crisped soy, casein extract, vanillin, blood, sweat, tears. Contains less than 2%: people oil, sodium, artificial flavor, aspartame, proprietary hGH precursor blend, UltraNano NO5XEGCG3000, shards of broken glass to micro-abrade gum tissue for increased absorption and performance, milk solids, sodium benzoate (to preserve freshness).

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We've all heard of Vitamin A and Vitamin C. Never heard of Vitamin F before? How about Vitamin L? No? That's ok, they didn't exist... UNTIL NOW. RL Champion Performance Nutrition is proud to present Vitamins F-M plus three new B's. The missing vitamins are finally here, EXCLUSIVELY HERE. The Dream Is Now™
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Vitamin B-10
Vitamin B-10 is one of the essential B Vitamins THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT. Let's face it, if you discovered something this powerful, why would you share it? The fact is, the scientists who first discovered B-10 in the late 1980's kept it all to themselves. That's why you've never heard of B-10 before now. While you nancy boys have been wallowing away in self-pity, those scientists have been living like kings in Europe, all thanks to the power of B-10. Wouldn't you love to have access to the same wonder-vitamin that gave those scientists a lifestyle most guys can only dream about? Thanks to our aggressive R&D program, RL Champion Performance Nutrition has made a major breakthrough and rediscovered B-10. Unlike those other guys, I decided to share it with the world. For the first time ever, Vitamin B-10 is for sale to the public. Prepare yourself. The world will never be the same. The Dream is Now™

Vitamin B-11
B-11 is B-10's cousin. They work together like a fireman holding his partner's ladder. If you want to boost the performance of B-10, combine it with B-11 for beyond ultimate results and beyond ultimate performance. B-11 takes all of the old-fashioned B vitamins up a notch too.

Vitamin B-20
B-20 is the undisputed heavyweight champion of B vitamins. I wasn't going to release this bad boy because I thought it would be too potent for most guys to handle. Double the potency of Vitamin B-10, Vitamin B-20 is the most potent B Vitamin in the world, bar none. After careful consideration, I decided to make this one available after all. You're going to thank me, no doubt. You're going to thank me for this one.

Vitamin F
A landmark study conducted at the RL Champion Institute of Applied Sciences isolated Vitamin F for the first time which lead to another amazing discovery. It was shown that over 98% of the nutritional value in fruit actually comes from Vitamin F. All this time you've been wasting your time and money on those other vitamins, thinking they will give you the nutrition of fruit. In reality you have only been getting 2%. Everyone knows that it's healthy to eat a lot of fruit, but lets face it, most guys just don't get around to it. With the discovery of Vitamin F, you can have 98% of the nutrition of fruit in an easy and convenient form. RL Champion Performance Nutrition is very proud to offer the world's first Vitamin F supplement. The Dream Is Now™

Anti-Vitamin G
Vitamin G is for girls. We don't manufacture Vitamin G. Instead, we manufacture a Vitamin G antagonist that blocks Vitamin G from functioning in the body. This exclusive Anti-Vitamin G formula is extremely effective in reducing weakness, Gynecomastia (man tits), mood swings, and impulse shoe shopping. All nancy boys should be on an aggressive Anti-Vitamin G program.

Vitamin H
A lot of guys have under-developed hamstrings. This condition is a direct result of Vitamin H deficiency. Take your hamstring curls up a notch and increase your sprinting speed with Vitamin H.

Vitamin I
Vitamin I prevents all kinds of injuries, from basic back injuries to severe motorcycle injuries. Vitamin I supports blood clotting and tissue regeneration for a new you. For a lot of guys, Vitamin I is the only shot they have at getting back on top. Don't wait. Get your Vitamin I today before it sells out.

Vitamin J
Vitamin J is positioned to become one of the best-selling supplements of all time. We are in the final stages of development and it should be available beginning late summer. Please check back frequently for updates.

Vitamin L
Vitamin L. Think LIFE. This may be the most important vitamin ever discovered. Lets face it, for most guys everlasting life is just a pipe dream. Most guys live for a while and then they die. Vitamin L changes all of that. Take Vitamin L and you will live forever.

Vitamin M
Think MAX. This vitamin is the MAX. MAXimum performance. MAXimum potency. MAXimum results. MAXimum satisfaction. Go with the MAX. Vitamin M. MAX it out.

A note about standards:
The other guys sell junk products that are usualy USP (United States Pharmacopia), EP (European Pharmaceutical) or JP (Japanese Pharmaceutical) Grade. These low standards just don't stack up. So I created a new standard. Introducing RLCP (Rex Larry Champion Pharmacopia) Grade: minimum 110% purity. All products sold by RL Champion Performance Nurtition are guaranteed to meet or exceed the new RLCP standard. Don't settle for less. The Dream Is Now™

7 Godless Limericks by Harry The Partridge

2007-06-30T10:59:00.000-07:00

There once was a credulous herd
Who believed all the lies that they heard
They came to be saved
And left hating gays
Relieved of their cash by His Word

There once was a thinker named Darwin
For whom primates and humans were close kin
Now try as they might
Knuckle-draggers can't fight
The inescapability of his conclusion

There once was a fraudulent book
By a swindler, a racist, a crook
Joseph Smith lied
So Mitt Romney would tithe
What fools are the wives that they took

Dead babies who never were baptized
Again have the Catholic Church capsized
To Limbo or not?
What a preposterous thought
Debated by those who grope thighs

There once was a bigot named Mel
Who wants all the Jews down in hell
The Passion Of Christ
Is more than just trite
Of his love of gay S&M, it does tell

They say Jesus died for your sins
Like whoring and gambling and gin
That might be good news
Were it not a big ruse
To snatch your wallet and remove all within

I wont mention Islamic din
For any such talk is no-win
They'll lob off your head
And leave you for dead
For an afterlife filled with virgins

One More Word

2007-06-01T02:53:00.000-07:00

One more word guys. I got a sneak peak at Rex Larry Champion's big project. This is going to be big. When he says this is going to change everything forever, he really means it. I'm going to give my full endorsement after the official launch. Until then, keep your eyes open, you wont want to miss this. I wish I could say more but I'm sworn to secrecy. The dream is soon.

Javier Marcos Fantasitco's Guide To Bail Bonds

2007-06-01T02:42:00.000-07:00

Hey guys.

I'm back.

I think I have some explaining to do.

I was going to fill in for Rex Larry Champion as you know, but I had some, umm, some, how can I say this, I had some, umm, unplanned events transpire.

Ok, I'll level with you.

I was in jail.

Before you say anything, it's not what you think.

I didn't do ANYTHING, ok?

Not everyone who goes to jail is guilty, right? It's the American way. The presumption of innocence, you know?

Hear me out.

I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

That's all.

Here's how it happened.

I was eating fish and chips, right? And they were really stingy with the tartar sauce, so I wanted some of that malt vinegar because the fish was hella dry. Well as it turns out, the bottle of vinegar on my table was empty, so I walked over to another table and politely asked if I could use the vinegar. I swear, the guy at that table was on PCP or some shit, because he was giving me beef all like "no, it's my vinegar, now do you want to make something of it, fuck off!" His eyes were all crazy like Bill O'Reilly or Charles Manson, it really freaked me out man. I don't want no beef with this guy, I just want some vinegar, right? So I just walk away without saying a word, just play it cool. I still have a lemon wedge on my plate so I think ok, fuck it, good enough, I don't need no malt vinegar.

Now you wont believe what happens next.

This crazy ugly dude, gets up and follows me over to my table. I thought he's going to give me the vinegar, but instead he takes the bottle and hits me over the head with it. I'm like fuck, he did not just do that! So I don't think right, I just punch him in the face, because its instinct, you know?

As it turns out, this guy is a cop. So he pulls a taser out of his pants and he shocks me and then he kicks me in the back of the head and cuffs me and tells me I'm under arrest for assaulting an officer.

Can you believe that shit?

I didn't know he's a an officer when I hit him, and it's self defense man!

So this pig drove me off to jail and they booked my ass.

I want to get the hell out of this piss soaked hell hole, so the first thing I do is find out about bail bonds.

I looked in the phone book and there were a dizzying array of options:

A1 Bail Bonds

AAA Bail Bonds

Ace Bail Bonds

Acme Bail Bonds

Aladdin Bail Bonds

Angry Gorilla Bail Bonds

Apex Bail Bonds

Bad Boys Bail Bonds

Barry Bail Bonds

Chau's Bail Bonds & Dim Sum

Tom and Peter P. McDonough Bail Bonds

I decided on Bad Boys because the logo looked bad-ass.

I called my grandma and told her to go over to Bad Boys and bail me out.

A few hours later, I was a free man, but I had to report directly to Bad Boys to fill out some more paper work.

I walked in and got a dirty look, like I'm a criminal or some shit. The floor was sticky like the adult video store. Some short bald man who looked like Danny Devito was sitting on a stool behind a kevlar window with iron bars on it. He slid some forms under the window and asked me if I can read. Shit, of course I can read, how else would I know I was at the bail bonds place if I can't read the sign out front. He all dumb and stuff. Anyway, the form was just the basics, asking for all my info and explaining how they send a bounty hunter after your ass if you don't show in court. After that, they finger printed me and that was that, I was out. Right as I walked out the door, an unmarked Crown Victoria pulled up next to me and a man with a mustache shouted out at me "Hey buddy, how are you doing there? I'm driving to Mexico tonight, do you need a lift?" I almost said yes but then I thought, maybe it's a sting. Looking back, the mustache kind of gave it away. I'm glad I took the bus home.

That was my crazy adventure.

The moral of the story: never eat fish and chips.

Losers Cut Corners By Rex Larry Champion

2007-06-01T01:01:00.001-07:00

I was thinking about it. What makes winners and losers? Are we really cut from a different cloth? Can losers ever become winners?

Lets face it, part of my job is helping losers, but sometimes its hard for me because I'm a winner. You see, sometimes I can't understand losers. I'm so successful, I don't know how to fail. I've been at the top of my game for so long, I don't remember how to lose.

That's how this all got started.

I discovered that if I want to help everyone be a winner, first I need to understand losers.

So I set out and decided to really study losers, see what makes them tick, see what makes them fail.

Only then can I help them to become winners.

The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ was designed for average guys looking to take it up a notch. It's still the best system in the world and I stand by it.

But as time passed I discovered that some guys are below average. I call these guys losers. Most of them wouldn't try The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ in the first place. If they did try it, I have to admit, it might not help them. Like I said, The System is designed for average guys. Losers have too many obstacles in the way for them to fully experience the ultimate potency for ultimate performance and satisfaction that comes from working The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™

That's what this is all about.

This article is designed to get losers up to speed so they can achieve the maximum results regular guys have been getting on The System since the beginning.

Here it is guys.

1.) Losers cut corners. I live 4 blocks from the grocery store, but when I shop, I park 9 blocks away so I get in an extra walk. Losers do everything they can to cut corners. Losers intentionally position their couch and TV close to the door so they wont have to move as far to let the Domino's guy in.

2.) Losers make excuses. "I don't want to buy the system, it's too expensive", "what if it doesn't work?", "it looks too hard", "I'll never be a success like RL Champion, why should I bother?"

3.) Losers watch life, Winners live it. Losers watch Joe Millionaire, I am a millionaire. Losers look at sports cars in magazines, I drive them. Losers look in the window of the gym and feel pangs of guilt as they walk passed into Arby's, I have the body everyone wants and I own that gym.

4.) Losers Cry. Pathetic.

5.) Losers associate with losers. If you throw an ice cube into a bucket of ice it wont melt as fast as if you throw it into boiling water. Losers insulate themselves with other losers so they don't notice the truth about themselves. They avoid winners at all costs. Truth hurts. Losers will never change until they look into an accurate mirror.

6.) Losers buy groceries at the liquor store or 7-11. You can't be your best you if you eat a Slim Jim, a moldy tuna salad sandwich under a heat lamp, and a Mike's Hard Lemonade for lunch.

7.) Losers take no for an answer. You can always tell a loser by the words "ok", or "I guess" when faced with rejection.

8.) Losers don't like sports. In sports there is always a winner and a loser. Losers hate seeing winners so much, they avoid it all costs. Losers hate sports because they know they will have to see a winner. In their world, there are no winners and losers, they fool themselves into thinking that they aren't playing the game. In reality, everyone is playing the game, and losers are losing the game.

9.) Losers pretend to like things to impress people. Losers care a lot about what other people think about them. They have nothing to stand on so they need to put on a big show to be liked. This often involves pretending to like things like wine or art or dog breeding. Winners love what they love and hate what they hate, they never pretend. Nobody is impressed by a loser pretending to like things. Everyone is impressed by a winner firm in his convictions.

10.) Losers read too many books. Books never made anyone a winner. What do most guys do after they read a book? That's right, they read another book. It's a vicious cycle (see #3: losers watch life, winners live it). Every winner could write a great book, but probably wont because he's too busy living life. Losers could never write a book, but most of them think they can.

Attention all losers:

Stop Cutting Corners

Stop Making Excuses, Buy The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™

Stop Watching Life, Start Living It

Don't Cry

Stop Hanging Out With Losers, Start Hanging Out With Winners

Go To A Real Grocery Store Like Ralphs or Vons

Don't Take No For An Answer, If The Bank Rejects Your Loan Application, Buy The Bank And Then Approve Your Own Loan

Grow A Pair, Watch Football and MMA

Get A Real Hobby, Save That Hoity Toity Stuff For Old Ladies

Lose The Library Card, Books Might Make You Smart But They'll Never Make You A Winner

___________________________________________________________________
Note: The big announcement is right around the corner. Stay posted guys. The graphic designer responsible for the packaging had some setbacks, but everything else is ready to go. It should only be a matter of days now. The dream is soon.

RLC

A Note From Rex Larry Champion

2007-05-30T21:54:00.001-07:00

My loyal readership has been asking about me.

I know, it's been a while, but I hope all of you nancy boys are sticking with the program.

I trusted Javier Marcos Fantastico to do a better job filling in for me, but as it turns out, he had a run-in with the law so he couldn't contribute.

Anyway, here's the update guys:

The nutrition conference went great.

I'm at the top of my game and things just keep on getting better.

I've been working feverishly on a project so big, it's going to change everything, forever.

Stay tuned for a big announcement.

You wont want to miss this one.

The Dream Is Soon

I'd say more, but that would kill the suspense.

RL Champion

Apes Communicating With Humans?

2007-05-30T20:43:00.000-07:00

Researchers at The Great Ape Trust in Des Moines, Iowa are showing off a technology which they claim demonstrates that Apes can be taught to understand English. Researcher Bill Fields showed Abc World News one of his star pupils communicating with him using a special touch screen containing 350 symbols which depict objects or correspond to thoughts. Click here for the complete story.

So, apes communicating with humans.
What do you think?

"A talking Ape? Fancy that." - Sasquatch

"I smell operant conditioning. This ridiculous spectacle demonstrates that apes are capable of semantic understanding about as much as a tiger jumping through a ring of fire demonstrates that Siegfried and Roy are heterosexual. Exactly. " - Harry The Partidge

"This is an abomination. Humans and apes shouldn't talk to eachother. It's against God's plan. Talking with apes forms a slippery slope at the bottom of which lies bestiality. As long as liberals try to spread their poison and deny that the Bible is God's Word, we will continue to suffer God's wrath in the form of hurricanes, terror attacks, AIDS, and Rap music. Repent and accept Jesus Christ into your heart before it's too late. Eternal damnation is real and every liberal is going to burn for eternity. Liberals, Atheists, Fornicators, Drunkards, Queers, Jews, Adulterers, Scientists, Gamblers, Muslims, Masturbators, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, Teletubbies, The United Nations, Pimps, Drug Users, Perverts, People for the American Way, The ACLU, Quakers, Bakers, Candle Stick Makers, Nick Knack Paddy Whack Give A Dog a Bone, Abortionists, Unitarians, Pornographers, Rappers, Child Molesters, People Who Talk To Apes, YOU ARE ALL GOING TO HELL " -Frank Erp, Street Corner Evangelist

"Finally, I can ask for a cancer stick when I need one." - Fred, Chimpanzee Participant In The Study

"This is truly a pioneering achievement in natural history. Now if only scientists could find a way to keep George Michael sober." - Tony Blair, British Prime Minister

"Big deal. I could talk since I was 3 years old. I'm not impressed." - Rex Larry Champion

"A few years ago this might have spelled trouble, but today most of the monkey meat we smuggle into Southern China is actually zebra meat. I don't see zebras talking any time soon, hahaha."- Babalu Baraka, Large Game Poacher

"Looks like someone is trying to steal my bit. I'll see those fuckers in court" Jane Goodall, Chimp Lady

"Kevin Randleman uses the same system to 'talk' to his trainers, they have a little computer screen and he points to the icon with the syringe." - Donny, sherdog.com troll

"We've long known that chimpanzees possess at least rudimentary language abilities. The greater apes still have a way to go, but we should not discriminate against them in higher education. We think there's a faster way to chimps writing Hamlet than all of those typewriters and all of those years, and that way is through education. The future looks very bright for gorillas, chimpanzees, bonobos, and orangutans at Yale. Please note however that we can not accommodate lesser apes at this time. We ask that lesser apes such as gibbons and siamangs consider applying to Harvard." - Ralph Cunningham, Yale Admissions Officer, Let In George W Bush

UFC 71 Preview

2007-05-22T16:22:00.000-07:00

Over the past four years, only Fedor Emelianenko has been a more dominant fighter than Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell. Beginning with his KO victory over Tito Ortiz at UFC 47, Liddell has reeled off 7 straight victories, including 4 title defenses, at a time when the UFC's welterweight, middleweight, and heavyweight chamiponships have all changed hands at least once. He has avenged two of his three career losses (to Randy Couture and Jeremy Horn), with Quinton "Rampage" Jackson being the last of the three. On Saturday, the two will meet for the second time in a light heavyweight championship bout. Also on the card is welterweight contender Karo Parisyan, who will face Josh Burkman, the season 2 winner of the Ultimate Fighter. Analysis and predictions follow:

Main Card

Chris "The Crippler" Leben vs. Kalib Starnes

Leben is a hard puncher who made his bones feasting on B-level UFC talent on The Ultimate Fighter and six UFC Fight Night promotions. The only thing more unorthodox than his boxing stance is his ridiculous haircut, which most recently resembled the angst-ridden mohawk punks who hung out in front of Tower Records in the 80's. Leben's results against top-shelf competition have been decidedly mixed. He was savagely KO'd by Anderson Silva, who then proceeded to give then-middlweight champion Rich Franklin the same treatment. After knocking out Jorge Santiago on his sixth UFC Fight Night card, he was beautifully submitted by the uncreatively nicknamed Canadian jiu-jitsu fighter Jason "The Athlete" MacDonald. In Kalib Starnes, Leben will be facing another Canadian jiu-jitsu expert who won The Ultimate Fighter competition in season 3. Starnes defeated MacDonald in 2005, but is coming off a difficult loss to the tough Yushin Okami. Look for Leben to provoke Starnes into trading haymakers and attempt to take an early KO. If Starnes can take Leben to the mat, he will almost certainly try to work some submissions a la MacDonald. Barring a fortuitous punch, look for Starnes to take this via submission in the second round.

Keith "The Dean of Mean" Jardine vs. Houston Alexander

Jardine surprised everyone with his quick KO of the normally rock-chinned Forest Griffin. Griffin, visibly shaken by his defeat, was thought by many to be on the fast track to a title shot at Chuck Liddell. Jardine has a wealth of experience battling with the lower end of the top UFC light heavyweights, including Griffin, Stephan Bonnar, and Rashad Evans. Houston Alexander, by contrast, will be making his debut in the UFC. Though Houston may pose an unexpected threat to Jardine simply because he's a largely unknown quantity, the safe money is on a KO by Jardine, who will subsequently pushed into the glut of UFC light heavyweights scrambling for position beneath Chuck Liddell. Jardine by KO in the second round.

Terry Martin vs. Ivan Salaverry

Salaverry is an MMA veteran with experience in the UFC, K-1, and Shooto. Salaverry's losses have been to notables like Nathan Marquardt, Matt Lindland, and Akihiro Gono. Martin, however, is best known for having been spectacularly knocked out by a flying flying knee from James Irvin nine seconds into the second round. Martin is a striker and will almost certainly attempt to turn the match into a standing war of attrition. These two journeyman fighters are well-matched, but not particularly exciting. I predict a win for Salaverry by submission in the third round.

Karo "The Heat" Parisyan vs. Josh Burkman

Karo Parisyan is the answer to those who claim Hidehiko Yoshida as proof that judo skills do not translate well into MMA. An energetic, exciting fighter, Parisyan has often used his judo skills to great effect in securing takedowns and grappling on the mat. Parisyan has beaten tough fighters like Matt Serra, Chris Lytle, and Nick Diaz, while his only losses have been to top-shelf talent like Diego Sanchez, Sean Sherk, and Georges St. Pierre. Despite his frenetic style, Parisyan's fights often go the distance, and my expectation for this fight is the same. Though Burkman is substantially less battle-tested than Parisyan, Karo might not have the knockout power to finish this fight early. However, you can be assured that he will battle to the end, as the consecutive dethronings of Matt Hughes and St. Pierre have left the welterweight division wide open. Parisyan will need to win this fight if he wants to elevate himself to position himself for a serious run at the championship, as he is already at risk of being left behind by Sanchez and Josh Koshcheck, whose victory over Sanchez has reportedly earned him a shot at Georges St. Pierre for the number one contender status. Parisyan by unanimous decision.

Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell vs. Quinton "Rampage" Jackson

It has been over three years since 'Page thoroughly manhandled Chuck Liddell at PRIDE Final Conflict 2003. Rampage has described his style as a "whoop your ass" style, which is about as appropriate as any other term. Unlike Liddell, who uses his wrestling skills to defend against takedowns and extricate himself from the clinch, Rampage prefers dramatic takedowns of the sort that completely knocked out Ricardo Arona, who had locked in a triangle choke. As a striker, Rampage is a dogged brawler whose lack of formal technique is somewhat mitigated by his raw power. At times 'Page's aggressiveness has been a liability, such as when Wanderlei Silva goaded him into an exchange of vicious knees, one of which rendered Rampage unconscious before he hit the ground. However, this aggressiveness will be a key component of any winning strategy against Chuck. More recently, Rampage's record has been mixed and though he scored close (and some say controversial) decision victories over the likes of Matt Lindland and Murilo "Ninja" Rua, he has yet to regain the form he displayed earlier in his career. Fighting Chuck will be a considerable step up for him.

Jack Rossen of Sherdog.com has aptly described Chuck Liddell's fighting stance as resembling a person stricken with rickets. His low stance, designed to facilitate his takedown defense, and his looping, circuitous punches punches are the antithesis of the crisp, direct boxing strikes with which most fighting fans are acquainted. Liddell's list of vicims, however, speaks for itself. Despite its unorthodox appearances, Liddell's game is highly technical and precise, relying on accurate jabs, well-placed flurries, and sharp counter-punching. Most traditional strikers rely on combinations to pick their opponents apart. Chuck's game relies far more on his knockout power. He will use the jab to goad his opponents into exchanges or corner them in the cage, where he can flurry. He seldom throws combinations unless he has already cornered his opponent. Because opponents fear his striking power, they are often forced into being overly conservative (as in Chuck's fights with Tito) or they will rush him and get floored by counterpunches (like Renato Sobral).

They key to 'Page's first victory was his willingness to stand and trade shots with Liddell. Even when he was hit solidly, Rampage always counterpunched and prevented Chuck from pressing the advantage. Though his counterblows were often haphazard and landed only occasionally, they hurt Chuck enough that he was unable to stalk 'Page and pick his shots at will. Jackson was also able to neutralize Liddel's counter punching by pressing forward with hard, straight shots that backed Chuck up and prevented him from setting his feet to counterpunch. Frequently he was able to close the distance and clinch, which neutralized Liddell's punching power and forced him to expend energy to escape or avoid the takedown. At first Liddell fended off the clinches and takedown attempts, but as the fight wore on Chuck's conditioning, which has always been suspect, broke down and allowed Rampage increasingly to muscle him around. After that, it was only a matter of time before the big takedown and inevitable ground and pound. If Rampage is able to replicate this strategy on Saturday, he will make the fight extremely difficult for Liddell. The prediction here is a third round TKO by Quinton "Rampage" Jackson.

A Russian Folk Story

2007-05-20T22:19:00.000-07:00

Simonov Seminovich awoke one morning to an unpleasant surprise: the wooden fence separating his goat pen from that of his dastardly neighbor, Vadim Zimavich, had been breached. From his bedroom window he saw splinters and posts scattered about like twigs in the wind, while the two flocks began to mingle like lacrosse players at a Goldman Sachs info session. By the time he had ventured outside to inspect the damage, Zimavich had emerged and begun to brand the animals with a smoldering piece of iron.

"Hey there!" cried Seminov. "We ought to settle conclusively which animal belongs where first!"

Zimavich grimaced coldly. "The animals are on my property. The right of salvage is universally recognized among civilized nations as extending to the limits of a man's private property. Unless you would like for me to report to the constable that my neighbor is a socialist, I'd suggest that you focus your attention on mending that fence."

"This isn't a civilized nation, this is Russia," replied Seminov. "And you know that we aren't rich enough to be socialists. If anyone's a socialist here, it's old Rabinovich. I hear his nephew is going to NYU. If you'd like to take this to the constable, I'm happy to oblige."

Three hours later Seminov and Zimavich found themselves sitting on a cold bench in the local police station. It was a busy day for the constabulary. A man had been arrested for attempting to sneak soap and shampoo into continental Europe, and the Italians were pushing for extradition. Then two local youths who were seen walloping a Jew with a street lamp post were fined for damaging the post. By the time Seminov and Zimavich approached the constable with their complaint, it was nearly four in the afternoon. As Seminov recounted his story, the constable yawned and checked his timepiece. "If you cannot determine what destroyed the fence or even prove that the animals in question belong to you, there really isn't much I can do," the constable sighed, his boredom palpable.

"It seems a bit unfair that my conniving neighbor ought to benefit from an act of negligence that was probably his fault to begin with!" Seminov objected.

The constable grew visibly annoyed. "Perhaps its unfair, but then what isn't these days? Think about people who were born with crippling diseases, inferior intelligence, or relatives from Houston. Is it our job to make all those people whole?" The constable then picked up a magazine and refused to look up.

As Seminov made his way home, he considered his options. He could attempt to make do with the remaining animals in his pen, but the prospects weren't good. By the time he got home, he realized that he had been left with two cows, each with the body type of a refugee, an asthmatic duck, and one of those tiny dogs that are often sold as fashion accessories for designer handbags. He knew an uncle in Kiev who might be able to get him a job in the civil service, but deep down he knew that he wasn't suited to a life of crime. What else was left?

Heartbroken, he retrieved a spade and a musket from the shed, intending to dig his own grave. Not wanting his remains to be dug up by the Pomeranian, he dug ceaselessly throughout the night, eschewing all comforts save for a glass of vodka. As the sun rose, Seminov thrust his shovel into the dirt for a final time, only to be thrown out of the ditch by a dark flume of crude oil. It turned out that his property was situated above a giant oil reserve. Now wealthy, Seminov started a multinational oil company and moved to Houston. His wife bought a Fendi for the Pomeranian. His two children dropped out of Columbia and moved to San Francisco, where they now work the counter at the Socialist Action Network Bookstore on 14th and Valencia.

Zombie Update: The Other Inconvenient Truth

2007-05-17T15:45:00.000-07:00

The public is in grave danger. And we do mean grave.

The undead menace is spreading like mold on a cheese yet the public remains woefully uninformed.

Despite a 5000% increase in zombie attacks in the past 6 months, fewer than 12% of respondents in a recent Sasquatch/RLC poll believed zombies pose a moderate or severe threat.

More disturbing still, fewer than 5% of people polled could name specific zombies despite their ubiquity in the public arena.

Public ignorance about this issue, perhaps the most important issue of our time, is befuddling to zombie experts such as Dr. Michael Wentworth, chair of the Zombie Studies department at Oregon State University. We sat down with Dr. Wentworth and asked him to share his insights on this important issue.

Writing Rendezvous: What's your take on the seeming public ignorance regarding today's zombie threat?

Dr. Wentworth: I'm flabbergasted by the public's ignorance on this issue, flabbergasted. I've been tracking the undead for over two and a half decades, and what we are witnessing now is unparalleled. Not since Michael Jackson's Thriller have zombies been more visible, yet they are strangely invisible to the average spectator. What we see here is that people lack the expertise to effectively differentiate between the living and the undead. In essence, people are being fooled. It's a troubling development, deeply troubling. If the current trend continues, our research indicates that mankind may be completely obliterated by 2040.

WR: What do you foresee in the near future, say the next year or two?

DW: Zombies are becoming emboldened by their lack of detection. They are beginning to kill with abandon, even in the light of day, even before large crowds.

WR: Who is at greatest risk for a zombie attack?

DW: Nobody should consider themselves safe, with the possible exceptions of members of Project for a New American Century and The Heritage Foundation, but it should be noted that zombies disproportionately prey on children, the elderly, and persons with disabilities. I was on hand when confirmed zombie Denis Kusinich viciously attacked this young man and attempted to devour his brains.

WR: What can the public do to spot zombies?

DW: Stay vigilant for the following markers:

•Zombies always bare their teeth moments before an attack

•Pathological lying. For example, zombies often make false statements such as:
'I was talking to a single hispanic mother in Iowa with 2 1/2 children who was having trouble getting Medicaid to pay for her life-saving prescription drugs, which reminds me of another women I spoke to in New Hampshire last week who was concerned about social security keeping up with the rising cost of living.'

•Zombies often have stiff, awkward manners, and may emit a foul stench.

•They are often spotted at fundraising galas and baseball games (the latter being a ploy to gain acceptance as live human beings).

WR: Is there anything else?

DW: I will provide Writing Rendezvous with several of the most clarifying pictures of zombies taken in the past five years or so in hopes that your readers may become more adept at identifying the undead.

WR: Thank you for your time professor.

We now urge our readers to please take a moment and study the photographic evidence. Please spread the word. The zombie threat facing us today is very real. If we don't act soon, drowning polar bears will seem the least of mankind's worries.

Zombie baring its teeth moments before devouring the brains of its unsuspecting victim

Zombie lunging for more sweet brains

Zombie before another vicious strike

Zombies baring teeth before attack

Zombie exhibiting peculiar behavior pattern

Zombies devouring hoagies (believed to contain sweet sweet brains)

Zombie looks for the kill

Zombie frustrated by lack of brains in the room during Senate Intelligence meeting

Zombie wearing disguise

Ask Bill

2007-05-15T21:24:00.000-07:00

Considered by some to be the greatest poet of the English language, William Wordsworth was a literary giant of the 18th and 19th centuries. Although his name remains synonymous with English romanticism, the wisdom of William Wordsworth is now available to loyal Writing Rendezvous readers through the miracle of the Internet.

--------

Dear Bill,

I want to leave my husband. He every night he comes home late and intoxicated. Last week he lost his job at the warehouse when he tried to re-enact the "Dick in a Box" skit. I feel like we're drifting apart, but I don't know if I'm ready to be on my own and am leaning towards staying together for the kids. What can you recommend?

-A.F.
Fayetteville, Arkansas

Dear A.F.,

Your letter, harsh and discordant like a thousand clattering hammers beating against wet rubberized pavement while an Apache helicopter hovers overhead, strikes at the depths of my heart. Often have I meandered distractedly through luxurious fields of heather, exposing myself to harmful UV rays and increasing my risk of contracting Lyme disease tenfold, pondering the intractable riddle of how to rid oneself of a husband that makes Johnny Knoxville seem senatorial. The answer lies not with mortal men, but in the sage whispers of the wind, the gentle laughter of a woodland spring, and the incomprehensible dialog of The Red Green Show.

Regards,
W.W.

-----

Dear Bill,

I can't make up my mind whether or not Pluto is a planet. I just don't understand the criteria. Is it mass? composition? shape? the fact that it's the planet most likely to be mistaken for a Gobstopper? I'd appreciate any clarity you could bring to this matter.

R.G.
Duluth, Georgia

Dear R.G.,

It is not for man to know the inner workings of the heavens any more than it is for him to know why BART stops at San Francisco airport before going to the Millbrae CalTrain station. I mean seriously, isn't it worth to make the tourists wait a few extra minutes to benefit the real commuters? I know what it is to be Pluto: forlorn, ashen, a mere speck clinging to the edge of existence. I feel this way whenever my wife has guests over for dinner. Once in a state of crimson passion I ascended the lofty tower of Westminster Abbey, driven by omniscient, heavenly spirits of hazy, bygone ages. I wailed into the darkness, "Let Pluto be known as a planet! Restore it to the majesty it deserves as a desolate beacon of light staving off the frigid darkness of the unkown!" I then called the fire department and asked them to bring one of the trucks with a ladder mounted on the back. Nothing happened to Pluto, but my horse did place the next day at the racetrack.

Regards,
W.W.

------

Dear Bill,

With the Warriors eliminated from the playoffs, what are your thoughts on a possible match up between the Utah Jazz and the San Antonio Spurs in the Western Conference Finals?

Best,
T.J.
Yonkers, New York

Dear T.J.,

I would rather watch phlegm coagulate at the bottom of a urinal than subject myself to San Antonio Spurs basketball. Has there ever been a team whose soporific style of play is surpassed only by a roster with less personality than a hermit crab? Seriously. Given the choice between watching Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire, and Shawn Marion or Tim Duncan and the Eurotrash All-Stars, which would you pick? And I'm sick of hearing how about how ill Tony Parker's game is. That guy needs to understand that he's French and should stick to what he knows best: Cunnilingus and not bathing. And don't even get me started on the Jazz. Is there any further proof that mixing basketball and Republicans is about as appealing as Mitt Romney in a FUBU sweatshirt? Not only do they have Andrei Kirilenko, who is the Soviet Bloc's answer to Skeletor, but Mehmet Okur? In a rattail?? No NBA team should ever field a roster where 40 percent of the starting lineup can say the word "discothek"without flinching. No exaggeration: I would rather watch the Karate Kid fight Chuck Liddell with PRIDE rules than subject myself to a minute of Spurs vs. Jazz.

Best,
W.W.

Bob Barker is Retiring After 60 Years on Air

2007-05-14T20:23:00.000-07:00

What Do You Think?

Zan Guerry CEO, Chattem, Makers of Gold Bond Medicated Powder

"The retirement of Bob Barker is a fatal blow. We are in the process of filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy."

Pam, FSU Sophomore. Major: Undeclared

"Bob Barker gave me a spring break to remember- on Price is Right College Week that is! I'll never forget, some jerk from Texas A&M overbid by $90,000 so I totally won! I got a speed boat, a year's supply of Gold Bond Medicated Powder and a some-expenses-paid trip to Orlando Florida!"

Joseph Henderson of the CDC

"A recent study indicates that 70% of senior citizens in the United States watch The Price is Right on a daily basis. In assisted living centers, this number climbs to 98%. The study further finds that a staggering 87% of senior citizens who watch The Price is Right receive no other form of mental stimulation. The authors warn that if this outlet for passing the time in a semi-vegetative state were to suddenly disappear, as many as 20 million of our senior citizens would literally die of boredom within two weeks time. The remainder would likely experience a decrease in quality of life associated with increased crossword puzzle abuse along with a rise in backgammon related injuries. In light of these alarming findings and in response to thousands of letters from concerned family members and public health officials, the CDC wishes to reassure the public that it is doing everything in it's power to stave off the looming crisis. Today we are announcing that the CDC, working closely with the FCC, is commiting bold regulatory action to ensure that reruns of The Price is Right will continue until at least 2047. Thankfully, Bob Barker has left enough material in the vault so that a single cycle of reruns could continue until 2067 if need be. We ask that you remain calm as the transition from new episodes to reruns takes place. We have it on good information that Bob Barker has been wearing the same clothes since the early 1960s and the majority of seniors have too poor a grasp of the inflation of the past 40 years for them to notice that The Price is Right has gone into reruns. We therefore expect this transition to be mostly seamless and we would like to thank all of you for sharing your concerns with us and for your patience and cooperation in this matter."

Psychologist Lies About Time To Get Rid of Client Who Keeps Referencing Dr. Phil

2007-05-08T22:28:00.000-07:00

Dr. Stanley Melvinwitz charges his clients $230 for 50 minutes. Last friday however, he admits that he kicked a client out after only 40 minutes. "I couldn't take it anymore, so I lied, I just looked at my watch and said 'sorry, our time is up for today'. This wacko kept on bringing up nonsense he saw on Dr. Phil. Doctor Phil said this, Doctor Phil said that, what do you think about Doctor Phil's relationship advice? Do you think his weight loss book will work for me? I saw something on Doctor Phil that I want to discuss with you. Blah blah blah blah blah. I'll tell you, I wanted to vomit all over my plastic potted plant. That guy needs some help!"

Being a psychologist, Dr. Melvinwitz has heard it all and generally faces each client's words with the same detached clinical objectivity no matter how objectionable, incoherent or grandiose they may be. Apparently, his patience has a limit.

"I scrapped Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy a long time ago after realizing it was bad for the bottom line, but I'm thinking I might need to bring it back for this particular client. Calling him a shithead to his face, excuse me, challenging his irrational beliefs in a forceful but constructive way, will either succeed in helping him learn that watching Doctor Phil is a self-defeating behavior pattern that keeps him from attaining his goals, or (and I'm hoping for the second outcome) he'll get angry at me and stop coming to therapy!"

Letters from a College Freshman

2007-05-07T22:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom and Dad,

I hope you are both well. Since you have loved and nurtured me since my early days as a zygote, I wanted to make you aware of a few developments that might concern you. (Note that I do not mean "concern" in the sense that the French Revolution "concerned" Edmund Burke, but rather analogous to how redox equations "concern" electrons.)

On Monday I was conducting tests on the new credit card you sent to me at JCrew.com when it occurred to me that purchasing this season's newest cable-knit sweater might constitute an example of what Professor Wealthman Goldrich recently called "deficit spending." Given my current state of employment, it could be argued that this expenditure would be an effective countercyclical measure. Perhaps you would offer in response the classical economic defense that parental spending would tend to crowd out private actions, such as getting a job or setting a manageable budget. The merits of these arguments notwithstanding, I bought the sweater on the understanding that, being the fruit of a racist, imperialistic, and sexually repressive capitalist system, nobody really "owns" the money anyway. For a fuller discussion, please see the PDF excerpts of my class textbooks that I have scanned and attached. Incidentally, I charged the textbook on the credit card as well.

I must also point out that your tendency to call me on Tuesday evenings severely limits my ability to "network." As I'm sure you realize, the benefits of a college education are as much about the social connections one cultivates as they are about intellectual development, particularly social connections involving drunken, morally depraved, but physically attractive members of the opposite sex. For your convenience, I have devised a telephonic signaling system that eliminates the need for all verbal communication between us. Two rings indicates that you should send more crates of Top Ramen. Three rings mean that you can expect a large parcel of dirty laundry to process within the hour. If the phone rings more than three times, you can pick up because it means that I need money. Further unsolicited phone calls will be either be forwarded directly to voicemail or, in the event of an emergency, may be granted a terse, hushed conversation after which I will pretend that you were one of the two girls who live in 304 inviting me to a sorority event.

It is possible that I will be returning to the provincial, uncultured setting of your home community over the Thanksgiving break. Should this occur, you must understand that even though my room still features the same hair-band rock posters dating back to my 8th grade graduation, my inviolable sovereignty as a college student will remain intact for the duration of my stay. I may call you next week to let you know when you should pick me up.

Regards,
J.J.

We Believe

2007-05-03T23:34:00.000-07:00

General Store Owner Discovers eBay

2007-05-03T20:51:00.000-07:00

(Someville, Ohio) Gus Franklin, proud general store owner of 35 years, has entered cyberspace and he’s loving every minute of it.

For years Gus had the vague sense that computers were out there, but he just wasn’t interested. That all changed last August.

“I was watching the boob tube late one night and a professor came on” Gus explains “He called himself a video professor, and golly, I thought hell, why shouldn’t I learn to run the computer? Yes, I always thought those new gadgets like computers and cellular telephones were for city slickers, not for folks like me. I’m an old pro when it comes to throwing away those AOL cds that come in the mail, do you get those too? Once I even wrote them a nice letter telling them I wasn’t interested, but they kept on sending ‘em. It got so bad I finally had to tell Randy, Randy is our postman, I finally had to tell Randy to stop bringing them to my house because I had no use for ‘em. To make a long story short, I made up my mind and drove my Ford truck a few hours to the nearest Sears Roebuck and picked up an economy model computer. Thanks to Video Professor, I finally learned to run that sucker. It was none too hard neither.”

Encouraged by the ease with which Video Professor allowed him conquer his fear of computers, Gus sat up and took note when he received a Video Professor catalog in the mail. That’s when he learned there was a place he could set up shop in cyberspace, it was a little website called eBay. Gus ordered the Video Professor eBay tutorial and took to it like a fish to water.

An eBay store is born

Today Gus’s eBay store sells glass coke bottles, bugles, an assortment of Indian arrowheads, WWII era toys made out of tin, and American flags with 30 stars. “Once we got Wisconsin, our union was perfect” Gus explains, “California was the beginning of the nation’s downfall.”

“I’ve had requests from buyers all over the world, from Germany to Japan to Katmandu, but I refer them to my policy at the bottom of the page. It clearly states AMERICAN BUYERS ONLY, NO EXCEPTIONS.”

Gus includes a hand-written note and a ribbon with each order. “I try to give my customers the same friendly service they’d get at my general store.”

Gus confesses that there’s nothing in the world he prizes more than his perfect feedback, even the smallest smudge on his online reputation would keep him up at nights. There was one close-call that he’ll never forget. “One time a fellow actually gave me negative feedback. He said the flag he ordered never arrived. Didn’t give me a chance to make it right, just left the feedback. I tried to send him a message through eBay message service, but he didn’t reply. Well he only lived one state over, so I figured what the heck, and I drove all the way to West Virginia to sort it out. I had the man’s shipping address, so it wasn’t none too hard to track him down. He was a nice enough fellow, and as it turns out the flag was lost during transport. It’s a good thing I'd anticipated that possibility, because I had another flag waiting in the truck to hand deliver to him. He was very happy to have the flag and he thanked me and agreed to retract his negative feedback. I’m proud to say that I’m back to 100%. I always strive to give all my eBay customers the same friendly service they’d get at my general store.”

Asked about his future plans, Gus shrugs and reaches for a soda pop from under the counter.

Six Knock Knock Jokes by Harry The Partridge

2007-05-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Mariah Carey

Mariah Carey who?

Mariah Carey herself to therapy four times a week but she still wakes up crying every morning.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Jim Carrey

Jim Carrey Who?

Jim Carrey a dead hooker to the municipal dump last night.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen who?

Charlie Sheen Jim Carrey with a dead hooker last night. He just wants to say, nice work.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Hired Goons

Hired Goons who?

Hired Goonzales as Attorney General, no wonder shit is hitting the fan.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Mo Rocca

Mo Rocca who?

Mo Rocca your world baby.

It's 3am and you're nude, get off my lawn, I'm never inviting you onto Larry King Live again!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

A six hundred pound hog

Oh Rosie, I didn't know you'd lost weight. Come on in, we've been expecting you.

From the Files of U.S. Intelligence

2007-05-02T19:56:00.000-07:00

One of the starkest expressions of executive power is the presidential veto. With a stroke of the pen (constitutional scholars disagree as to whether a No. 2 mechanical pencil is sufficient), the president can override duly enacted congressional legislation. Typically, this can only be overridden by a 2/3 vote of Congress or a particularly well-timed sex scandal. Recently, the subject of vetoes has risen to the forefront after President Bush II dramatically vetoed a military funding bill that includes milestones and a timeline for mandatory troop redeployments, describing the law as "setting a benchmark for failure." This is easily contrasted with chairmarks, which result from allowing preadolescent family members to move living room furniture. With so much controversy swirling around the veto, we have re-opened the Files of U.S. Intelligence to take a critical, retrospective look at the role of vetoes throughout history.

President Jackson Vetoes the Second National Bank (1833)

President Jackson was also known as "Old Hickory," though friends rarely called him that, as it could be mistaken for a brand of whiskey that could be bought at the drugstore. In vetoing the charter of the Second National Bank, Jackson was said to have vehemently opposed the bank's propensity to concentrate wealth in the nation's elite financial class, its firm policy against free checking, and the exorbitant transaction fees it charged for third party ATM machines. The word "tariff" was also bandied about, though no one at the time was sure what it meant or how it related to the issue at hand. While Jackson's financial policy remains lauded by those who remember when the MRSP for a Ferrari was $3, Jackson remains more commonly known for his ruthless policies towards the Cherokee Indians, as well as Indians working in Santa Clara on H1-B visas.

Grover Cleveland Vetoes 304 Bills (1884-1888, 1892-1896)

Though he spent most of his two terms living in the shadow of a blue muppet, many people are unaware that Grover Cleveland vetoed more bills during his tenure than any president other than Franklin Roosevelt. It is a well-known fact that whenever Cleveland's son asked his father to borrow the family sedan, the president would squeal "Veto!" before dissolving into hysterical fits of giggles. President Cleveland was known for his outspoken disapproval of "pork barrel" projects, a term that he used to refer to public works appropriations as well as William Howard Taft. Cleveland's administration was also characterized by constant disputes between those favoring the "gold standard" and those who supported the "silver standard." Soon, a third group emerged clamoring about "greenbacks" before a truce was declared in 1895, when each group realized they had no idea what they were talking about.

The Reagan Vetoes (1981-1988)

Ronald Reagan assumed the presidency pledging to curb government "waste." He used his vetoes, 39 in total, against bills to fund foreign aid to Africa, raise funds for public broadcasting, establish the National Institute of Health, and levy economic sanctions against apartheid South Africa. Any budget surplus that the vetoes created, however, was promptly erased when Regan pledged $500 billion to developing phasers and photon torpedoes by 1994, citing concerns that the USSR would have an operational cloaking device by the time Michael Jackson released "Thriller." Reagan's bold policies were opposed, largely without success, by a broad coalition of civil rights groups, unions, environmentalists, people who had engaged in sexual intercourse at one point in their lives, and those who believed that serving fried raccoon meat in school hot lunches was unlikley to promote long-term health.

As even the casual reader can deduce, the veto has played a pivotal role in the development of American history. Modern observers can only speculate about the broad implications of the president's latest veto, but one thing can be assured: They will continue to be recorded in the annals of the Files of U.S. Intelligence.

A Word From Javier Marcos Fantastico

2007-04-28T19:13:00.000-07:00

Rex Larry Champion is away for the week at a nutrition conference. I’ll be filling in for him.

I want to talk to you guys about something important, man to man.
Can you guess what it is?

HIV/AIDs? The dangers of drunk driving? Date rape?

No, it’s none of those. I want to talk to you about something that’s happening in Major League Baseball and how it effects your life.

It’s a well known fact that Major Leaguers use certain, things, to improve their athletic abilities.

Now the GOVERNMENT wants to take control of the situation and take it out of the hands of the individual ball clubs and the fans.

When I was going for my associate's at Heald, I found out there’s something called jurisdiction. If you’re like me, you probably thought it had something to do with dicks, but it doesn’t. It means the Mexican police can’t bust me for something I do in San Diego and vice versa.

We need a new system for Major League Baseball, we need a REVOLUTION. We need to take the government out of baseball’s business for good.

I propose that every baseball team gets its own country.

If we form the Republic of the Dodgers, they can’t come in and take nobody’s juice from them. It also means that in the parking lot, they can’t come take anything from us fans either.

Do you realize what that would mean?

Think about it.

Yeah.

That’s what I’m talking about.

Please join with me, Javier Marcos Fantastico, in petitioning Bud Selig to secede from the United States of America to create a more perfect union for Major League Baseball.

Dear Commissioner Selig,
As fans of Major League Baseball, we have faithfully supported the sport through ups and downs, through thick and thin, though rain delays, strikes and scandals. Now the fans are asking something in return. A grave danger threatens to tear at the very fiber of MLB, and that danger is the federal government. We don’t want our children to grow up in a future without Barry Bonds-like slugging power, or with tailgate parties without the basics. NOW is the time to act, before it is too late. We, the fans of MLB hereby request that you draft a declaration of independence to form a more perfect union, the Republic of Major League Baseball. A new sovereign nation is the only way to prevent the US government from encroaching upon the freedoms of players to train as they see fit, and of fans to enjoy games as they see fit.

Sincerely,

[sign your name here, and mail to Allan H. (Bud) Selig c/o MLB, 245 Park Avenue, 31st Floor, New York, NY 10167]

John Edwards paid $400 for a haircut. What do you think?

2007-04-24T21:53:00.000-07:00

"Torrenueva should be ashamed. $400 should at least get you a manicure and a massage with a happy ending. And the cut itself! Heavens to Betsy that haircut is soooo 2004. If 2008 is the new 2004, Edwards is going to have a one way ticket back to North Carolina." -Mo Rocca

"As long as he can talk to my dead relatives, he can spend as much as he wants on his hair." - Amorphous mustached Onion character, postal clerk.

"John Edwards is a nancy boy. Fancy haircuts are no way to take your campaign up a notch. If that nancy boy is serious about achieving ultimate performance for maximum votes, he should stick to the system, the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System." -Rex Larry Champion

"You should see how much Jonathan Antin charged me for my last full-body cut. Edwards got off easy." -Sasquatch

"John Edwards worked hard to con those knob-gobblers into contributing to his campaign, he can waste their money however he sees fit." -Harry The Partridge

Children’s Bedtime Tales By Stephen King, Part 1: The Wooden Indian

2007-04-18T20:25:00.000-07:00

◊ ◊ ◊
Lions and tigers were near and Scott sensed danger. It was around three o’clock at night and the others hadn’t returned. From the alcove of their hastily assembled tree house, Scott could see silhouettes for miles around. In this light he could not make out what they were, save several Acacia trees which were unmistakable in any light. Each perceived elephant or wild bore turned out to be nothing but a shrub or a small tree. Suddenly a rumbling began under the tree and Scott limply grasped a tattered corn fiber rope which hung from one of the high beams of the tree house. What happened next was equally magnificent and terrifying. Scott began to lose his grip as the rumbling intensified. When the tattered rope slipped through his grasp he groped blindly but his hand was left wanting. His eyes were of no use, for his gaze was fixed on the horizon such that the second coming of Christ would not have made him turn his head. What lay on the horizon was a lion running towards him at full charge. This was no ordinary lion however. This lion was 80,000 feet tall and 150,000 feet long. The lion was so large that its head reached above the clouds and even from 50 miles away it covered a sizable portion of the firmament. The lion roared and several seconds later Scott was thrown from the tree house. He fell hard and perceived a snap. His left leg was broken in two and he was deaf (although he didn’t realize it at the moment, permanently). He looked down at his leg and the sight of sheer bone protruding though punctured bloody skin caused him to pass out. The last thing he remembers was a rank sour smell.

◊ ◊ ◊
Meanwhile, on the other side of the globe, two lanky teenagers walked into a comic book store in the small town of Harmsvalle, Maine. It was a windy winter day and they were happy to be inside. The two young men smiled as they unbuttoned their heavy coats and took off their mittens. The warmth of this place was more than physical, this place was like a second home to them. Terry and Bruce had been frequenting Big J Comics since they were seven years old and every inch of the store was like an old friend, in every corner there was a fond memory. While the inventory changed, there were certain things about the store that would never change. They had named the familiar wooden indian in the window “Chief Dean” in honor of his resemblance to the hard-drinking sunburned Coach Dean, the man who had coached their little league team. The Incredible Hulk #1 in it’s sealed plastic bag had never been sold in the seven years since they first ogled it in the big display case in the back of the store. If they ever grew up and had sons of their own and their sons came to Big J’s, they imagined it would still be there with it’s $2000 dollar price tag. Terry and Bruce might have been getting a little old for comic books (in recent days their interests had begun to shift from Batman and The Punisher more to baseball, girls and cars) but that was ok, it didn’t matter. Big J’s was conveniently situated between Harmsvalle’s only high school and their homes; on frigid New England days like this, the store was beckoning them to break up the long walk home and to reminisce about old times.

The pair walked eagerly towards the back wall of the store and stopped dead in their tracks. They were expecting to see James, the store’s owner and only employee. Like Chief Dean and Hulk #1, James (Big J himself) was another immutable fixture of the store. In all these years, they had never witnessed what they were now seeing. Behind the familiar counter was not James, but another man. The man before them was gaunt, with sharp, weathered features reminiscent of Clint Eastwood. His eyes were vacant like two lumps of coal fastened to his skull. He wore a cowboy hat adorned with a peculiar turquoise band and sat silently on an elevated stool, reading a comic book. He appeared not to notice the two as they approached.

“Hey, where’s James?” Terry blurted out. Terry and Bruce both felt an icy chill as the man behind the counter put down his reading material and slowly turned his head to study them. It was then that they noticed a strange odor, not quite like cigarette smoke, not quite like the wacky tobacky some of their classmates were fond of. Strange and hard to place. Contradictory. Almost sour smelling like curdled milk, but more smokey, more woody. It was a horrible smell.

“James is not here today. I’m filling in for him.” The man said in a raspy voice. Sensing that his answer was deemed inadequate he continued “James is very ill, I might be here for a while. Are you Terry and Bruce?”

The pair looked at each-other nervously.

“How do you know our names? Who are you? What do you mean James is ill?” Terry demanded.

Something was not right. Harmsville was a small town and they had never seen this guy before, or anyone who looked like him. Harmsville wasn’t so small that they knew everybody in town, but when you live in a place like this all your life, you can spot an outsider. The strange man sitting on James’ stool didn’t look like he was from Maine, in fact he looked nearly as out of place as a Japanese tourist in Utah. It was something about his eyes and the leathery texture of his skin... and that hat. Something was not right. Also, it wasn’t like James to leave his shop in another’s hands. James had been ill before and gone on vacations or taken days off. Whenever that happened the store was simply closed, James never had anyone filling in for him.

The man swiveled the stool to face Terry and Bruce more directly. He put his hands on his knees and leaned forward. His gaze was cold and unsettling. It was as if he was looking deeply into them, but also beyond them as if they weren’t there at all. The man lowered his voice to little more than a raspy whisper “James told me to expect you. He left something for you.”

With that, he reached over and picked up the comic book he had been reading from the glass counter. “This is for you, Terry. Take it.”

Terry didn’t move.

The tension in the room was palpable. Something was very wrong. The strange odor also seemed to be getting stronger. Bruce looked over his shoulder, hoping for another customer to walk into the store.

Bruce leaned over to Terry and whispered “let’s get out of here.”

Terry was silent. He was caught in the man’s eyes as if in a trance.

“Come on Terry, this is really creepy, let’s get the fuck out of here, I’m serious, let’s run.”

No response. The color appeared to be fading from Terry’s face. The smell was getting even stronger, it was almost unbearable. Bruce felt like he was going to hurl.

Bruce finally grabbed Terry’s arm and jerked him hard, breaking the spell. The pair then twirled around and waltzed briskly towards the front door without looking back.

To their horror, the door was locked.

“What the fuck!” Bruce oathed. He tried the door again to no avail.

They were trapped.

“Shit” Terry said “I have a really bad feeling about this. This shit is like right out of a Richard Bachman novel. Who is that guy? What’s going on? I don’t know man, this freaks me out.”

While Terry was frightened, Bruce seemed angry. Without warning, Bruce ran to the back of the store to confront the stranger. “Hey, what the hell is going...”

“Terry!” Bruce shouted from the rear of the store.

“Huh?” Terry said.

“He’s gone! He's gone!” Bruce shouted.

“What?”

Terry walked to the back of the store. It was true. Bruce was standing behind the counter now. The strange man was gone. The noxious odor had also inexplicably vanished.

“Where the hell did he go? There’s only one exit and I was standing right there” Terry said “he must be hiding.” As soon as these words came out of his mouth, Terry felt foolish. Big J Comics was a small shop and it was absurd to suggest that someone could hide. Surely they would have seen or heard the man.

Nonetheless, Bruce was already in motion. The gangly teen sprinted up and down the isles checking high and low. Nothing. He rechecked the door. Still locked.

The man wasn’t hiding. He was gone. Disappeared.

Bruce met Terry back at the counter and they just looked at each-other, dumbfounded.

Bruce now had a look of fear in his eyes.

“What now?” Bruce asked. His voice was shaking.

Terry was standing by the glass counter and seemed not to hear Bruce’s question.

This is for you, Terry. Take it.

Again as if in a trance, Terry leaned over and... picked up the comic book. On the cover was an African savanna with a giant lion overshadowing the landscape.
◊ ◊ ◊

To Be Continued...

Reflections of a Little League Baseball Standout

2007-04-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

Hey readers, I'm Ronald Jeffrey, a standout little league baseball player from Mountain View, California. When people hear that I'm a local baseball icon, it's only natural that they'd want to know my thoughs on everything, from international relations to Euclidean geometry to where freckels come from (hint: They're drops from the sun). Before I begin, I'd just like to say that it's an honor to be writing alongside the likes of Harry the Partridge, Sasquatch, and, of course, the man, the myth, the legend, Rex Larry Championn. I feel almost as good as when Hengehold Trucking traded me to the Fish Market for Stanley Rosenberg, two batting helmets, and a few bags of Capri Sun to be named later.

I've had a few things on my mind lately. The latest came to me as I was lacing up my spikes for the game against Jim's Auto and Body Shop. I had just sharpened my toe cleat for good luck when I started thinking about the troop surge. What is our government thinking? Not only is our government sending troops into harm's way without adequate body armor, but they have not even been provided with Under Armour. How can we have homeland security if we cannot protect this house? It reminds me of the time we played a regionals game against Baji's Coffee Lane. Coach somehow sent us up to bat with only Mizuno bats, even though we specifically requested Easton. I said, "Coach, you may as well send me up there with a wet noodle," and all he could do was mumble "Seeball, hitball". After that game, I requested a trade to Wolf Camera.

Another thing I don't get is the Scooter Libby trial. All of us baseball standouts know how to take one for the team. It's like the time when Jimmy Newton got pegged in the nuts by Otto Computer Repair's best pitcher. He needed to get on base, so he stepped into the pitch. He took one for the team (and so did his "prospects" for continuing the Newton family line). When you see a guy like Scooter Libby take a fall for Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and his other teammates, you gotta applaud a stand-up guy like that.

As a little league star, I'm used to getting a lot of attention. People always ask me stuff like, "How did you go from teeball to pitching machine to PCL to Babe Ruth in just five seasons?", "What's the secret to batting .304245533 as a catcher?", and "How did you stay Athlete's Foot-free for three months last year?". I know that these feats sound amazing, but trust me, it's all possible if you're willing to do things that no one else will, like exercising to improve your peripheral vision. You can draw inspiration from popular culture, using movies like "Rocky", "Braveheart", and "300". I apply that same strategy to my English and Social Studies homework. If you think about it, there are few things in life that aren't analogous in some way to fictionalized violence, and those few things are probably related to gay people in some way. When we learned about capacitors in physics, I immediately thought of that scene in Braveheart where Braveheart tell them to hold the line until the last possible second [Edit: His name isn't Braveheart] before picking up the giant spears to kill the English guys. It also reminds me of the time I charged the mound when Andy Rosales threw a beanball at me in the Silicon Valley All-Stars game.

The other thing that people need to know is that life is all about getting in on the little secrets from people in the know. It's like when you go to GNC. You can settle for a few measly protein powders if you want, but all the knowledgeable people know that you have to recite the first five paragraphs of Dostoevsky's "The Idiot" from memory before they'll let you into the secret chamber where they keep the bovine growth hormone. As you go through life, be sure that you're getting the best information possible from the most informed people. Otherwise you might see your fortunes sink faster than my batting average did when I switched to a gluten-free, turnip-based diet on the advice of our middle school trainer. I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing from me, Ronald Jeffrey, again soon on Writing Rendezvous.

Rules For Refinement By Harry The Partridge

2007-04-18T04:09:00.000-07:00

The Superior Gentleman Must Possess:

A healthy disdain for the common man

A love of distinctive cheeses

A mighty set of jowls

A rolodex that reads like a who's who of the men about town and the women they pay for companionship

An air of superiority forever unsullied by facts and figures or the workings of lesser men

An appreciation of all things esoteric

A disarming avowal of affinity for one or more carefully selected commonplace objects such as Coca-Cola, furry dice, or McDonalds hamburgers

A vague and cryptic way of speaking, always with intense eye contact

Attention to detail, matching socks and cufflinks

An extensive knowledge of wine and of places around the world that no average man would care to visit, but which you have graced thrice

A lack of interest in the affairs of those bellow you

An elevated taste in music and art

A loathing of all who don't share in your tastes

An impeccable sense of timing

A cane, scepter or other prop with which to strike fear into the hearts of your fellow man

A cache of stories and jokes that are little more than thinly veiled barbs at your enemies, to be told indignantly and often

A stable of well-kept sycophantic courtiers to continuously remind you of your superiority and moral virtue

W Virginia Redneck Shoots Japanese Store Owner

2007-04-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

(W Virginia) "Go back to China you dirty Korean!" Redneck Ned Lambert reportedly yelled as he unloaded 2 rounds into the chest of Yoshi Takasaki, a Japanese store owner. Shortly following the incident, a mustached police spokesman called a press conference but declined to comment.

Developing...

A Few of the World's Lesser Known Artifacts

2007-04-10T22:54:00.000-07:00

Ask any lay person to name some of the greatest objects in Western civilization and you are likely to hear some familiar names: Leonardo's Mona Lisa, the Wright Brothers' Plane, the Sistine Chapel, and the penis on Michaelangelo's David. However, there are many lesser-known artifacts that were pivotal to the evolution of society as we know it. These objects have been relegated to the margins of history but now, in a Writing Rendezvous exclusive, they are poised to take their rightful place in the annals of our collective heritage.

Isaac Newton's Spitoon

Currently on display at the post office in Newcastle-upon Tyne, January 5 to July 12.

Newton's spitoon provides conclusive historical evidence that the theory of gravity was not dependent upon the chance encounter between Newton's forehead and a golden delicious. In fact, the theory was cultivated over years of trial and error with a yellow ceramic spitoon into which Newton attempted spit from various angles with mixed success. The holes at the top indicate that it was once anchored to the ceiling of Newton's country cottage. We can only guess that it took relatively few trials for Newton to discover that anything propelled upwards must eventually come down. Puzzled by this development, we learn from Newton's personal diary that he attempted to place the spitoon on top of the refrigerator, whereupon his unsuccessful attempts to fire loogies into the spitoon only ended up soiling his weekly shopping list. It was only after the housemaid placed the receptacle on the floor, mistaking the spitoon for Newton's chamber pot, that Newton realized the motion and trajectory of saliva and tobacco juice traveled in a predictable arc that could only be caused by gravitational fields. His diary notes a plan to reveal this discovery to the world by "loading up on milk and demonstrating in the public square," only to realize that public use of a spitoon had just been outlawed by Major League Baseball as corrosive to public morals.

Immanuel Kant's Pornography Collection

On display at the O'Farrell Theater in San Francisco from April 31-May 12.

The year 1787 is perhaps best known as the year in which the U.S. Constitution was ratified. Yet it was also the year that Kant published his seminal work, Critique of Pure Reason, in which he argued that since we cannot really know any object outside of our own a priori conceptions, we might as well spend our free time pondering fake breasts. Kant's assiduously compiled collection of skin mags provides unique insights into the evolution of transcendental idealism, and we see that any attempt to define Jenna Jameson's torso in Hume's empirical terms (flesh plus silicone plus airbrushing=an object that wouldn't fit in a duffel bag) is far better defined in ill-defined but universally accepted idealized terms (fake tits). Kant's frequent use of the term "maxim" in Groundwork of the Metaphysics of Morals also becomes far more understandable given the context of the reading material he kept under the mattress.

Brooks Brothers Bindlestiff Suit (for a definition of Bindlestiff, click here)

On display at the County Fair in Des Moines, Iowa, February 12-October 1.

Commonly known as the oldest surviving men's clothier in the U.S., Brooks Brothers was the first clothing retailer to utilize division of labor, and introduced Americans to the polo shirt and (shudder) seersucker suits. Shortly after dropping its original logo, which depicted Lady Liberty dropkicking an Irishman shaped like a giant beer barrel, Brooks Brothers introduced the Bindlestiff Suit to appeal to the rapidly growing market of indigent wanderers, who made money by singing Harold Arlen songs while prancing around on roller skates with wax lips. The suit and jacket were sold as separates. Brown and blue patches came standard, but gingham and pinstripe patches were only available as accessories. The bindlestiff suit was also designed to self-destruct if the wearer ever attempted to play tennis or croquet. Popularized by the artistic photos of Dorothea Lange during the Great Depression, the Bindlestiff Suit went out of fashion once per capita GDP rose past the price of a box of Cracker Jack. The Bindlestiff has made periodic comebacks during various Republican presidencies, but has gradually been displaced by other brands (e.g., Phat Farm) that have greater appeal to the modern lower income classes.

Life In The Fast Lane by Rex Larry Champion

2007-04-10T16:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes guys stop me on the street and ask me "what's it like on the top?"

My answer is always simple: "It's better than where you are now, and it's better than you can ever imagine."

Maybe that sounds harsh. But it's not.

You see, I want you to be hungry. You'll never take it up a notch if you don't hunger for success.

Some guys hunger for food. I hunger for success.

Now that I'm at the top I can look down at all the puny nancy boys below, running around chasing their own tails.

Most of them will never take it up a notch because they're not hungry.

I thought about this for a long time and then I discovered something.

If you never had a burger before, you would never hunger for burgers.

And then the big secret came to me.

Most guys have never tasted success.

That's right.

Most guys know something is missing from their lives, but they don't have any real hunger for success.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT SUCCESS IS, so they CAN'T hunger for it.

That's how this all got started.

As a supplement to the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™, I have decided to assemble a new guide.

Get ready for The RL Champion Guide To Life In The Fast Lane: The 21st Notch.

By sharing the lifestyle I have achieved for myself, I hope to give all of the nancy boys out there a taste of success.

Once guys taste my SUCCESS, they will forever HUNGER FOR SUCCESS.

Then all they need to do is buy the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™

If you follow this system, before long you'll be able to hang with THE BIG BOYS, and you too will learn to live life in the fast lane.
***********************************************

The RL Champion Guide To Life In The Fast Lane: The 21st Notch

Morning:
Some guys walk to the breakfast table. I drive. As soon as I get out of bed in the morning, I take some supplements and then I hop into my Porsche and drive to my kitchen.

Once I'm there I don't eat just any old breakfast. Some guys eat coffee and donuts. I eat eggs and juice. Pretty basic you think, right? Well you haven't seen the way Rex Larry Champion does eggs. For one, I make sure to always have fresh egg laying hens in my kitchen. Store-bought eggs are full of girly hormones like estrogen and the protein isn't in it's most POTENT form. I always use fresh eggs from hens. Most guys cook their eggs and eat them, but I inject them. I always inject my eggs into my leg or buttocks muscle for maximum potency and performance. After I inject myself with eggs, I take some supplements and make some fresh juice. I have exotic fruit trees from the rain forrest in my kitchen and I always make fresh-squeezed juice. You have to juice it. Juice it out.

Once I'm done with breakfast, I pick a different car, usually my Lamborghini, and I drive to the bathroom for my morning dump. Because all of the food I eat is so potent, I usually need some extra help, so I take some more supplements to help me do my business. One time a salesman at Sears explained to me, the most important thing about shopping for a toilet is SIZE. Now that I'm successful, I have a toilet as big as a swimming pool. My bathroom is probably as big as your house. Some guys read when they're on the crapper, but I have live entertainment. The show changes every week. Last week I had Siegfried and Roy over but I had to fire them because they seemed a little bit too comfortable in my bathroom. Usually I'm in there for 45 minutes to an hour. Most guys use toilet paper, I use pure silk interlaced with gold thread. The gold helps me keep extra clean. Next I wash my hands in a waterfall.

Now it's time to WORK OUT!!!

I don't drive to the gym, the gym drives to me. The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo Max Ultra Custom Gym is on wheels and wherever it is in the world, it drives back and docks to my house at exactly 10am every day.

I warm up by doing 20,000 pushups while shouting "no excuses" as loud as I can.

Then it's time for the real workout. Most guys breathe regular air when they're working out. I have an oxygen tank hooked up with a special blend of maximum potency air molecules. Between sets I take more supplements and practice the visualization techniques described in the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ I imagine the bulge in my mind and I really bulge it. Bulge it out. I always achieve maximum pumps in my workouts. I have mastered the technique of ultimate performance for ultimate results and ultimate satisfaction. I have 15 trainers on staff to motivate me while I lift and to spot for me. It takes 10 men to spot for me when I bench. I am a champion. Rex Larry Champion.

Afternoon:

After I lift, I take some injections and I get a sports massage. Most guys only go for an hour or 90 minutes when they get a massage. I go for 5 hours. Whatever it is, whatever is going on, they've got to massage it. Massage it out. After my massage I take some supplements and I take a power nap. Most guys take their naps on a bed or on a couch. I go into the zero gravity levitation chamber and use powerful magnets to float in the air while I sleep. This allows me to achieve maximum results.

Evening:
It's time to go to the office and get some work done. I take my helicopter or drive my Ferrari to the office. I work on the top floor of the tallest building in Santa Monica and I can see the ocean out my window. Most guys will never experience a view like this. I write an article or two for Writing Rendezvous, and meet with my sales manager to go over my numbers. Everyone on my sales team has been practicing the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ and our numbers are shooting through the roof.

After work I have dinner. Most guys eat Black Angus or their wife's meatloaf. I fly in international chefs to prepare world class meals. Once the meal is complete, I instruct the chefs to load my meal into a special machine where it is compressed into pill form. Yesterday I had 6 pills of kobe beef and jumbo Australian lobster tail with white truffle butter. Putting the food into pill form saves me time and increases its potency and performance. Flavor is for nancy boys. It's all about maximum potency and performance.

After dinner I go to sleep. My bed is the size of a basketball court and I have 30,000 thread-count sheets specially made for me by NASA. My sheets even have my picture on it. Now how cool is that. How many guys get to have their own picture on their sheets? After I hit the hay, I still get up 3 or 4 times in the night to take supplements, but this doesn't disturb my sleep. I sleep like a baby becasue I know that I'm a champion. Rex Larry Champion. Most guys dream about other people's lives. When I dream, I dream about my own life. You have to dream it. Dream it out.
***********************************************

I hope you learned something, nancy boys.

I hope you are HUNGRY.

HUNGRY FOR SUCCESS.

Now that you have that hunger for success, it's time to go out and buy the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™

Remember, "Today you feel the pump, tomorrow you taste the glory. As yesterday falls to dust, your results surge through the clouds of forgotten memories of weakness if you believe you can achieve it. Achieve it out."

Exclusive Gary Condit Throws Hat In Ring

2007-04-10T15:15:00.000-07:00

Gary Condit made the formal announcement on his blog after filing with the FEC earlier today. "I'm In" he wrote in a short message addressed to friends and supporters.

Gary Condit (D-CA) served in the House of Representatives from 1989-2003 and was known for being one of the most conservative democrats in the House. Condit was handily defeated in his 2002 reelection bid after being investigated as a person of interest in the mysterious disappearance of Chandra Levy, a young intern whom he lied about and subsequently admitting to having an affair with. Chandra Levy's remains were found in a Washington DC park in May, 2002 and her death was declared a homicide. While a strong veil of suspicion remains, Condit was never named an official suspect and the case remains unsolved.

Condit's White House bid is sure to come as a shock to the political world where analysts considered his future to be about as bright as Mark Foley and Jim Traficant.

Writing Rendezvous has gained exclusive access to part of an unpublished interview set to come out next week.

"I'm not a perfect man" Condit told the Sacramento Bee "I may have done certain things that I regret. But it's time for this country to move forward. The working class people of this country don't miss Chandra Levy, they never met her, what they care about is affordable health care, the minimum wage, and a fair tax policy that taxes wealth over work. As president of the United States, the first thing I will do is disband the FBI, and then I will raise the minimum wage, repeal the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans, and I pledge to pass a comprehensive bill guaranteeing health care for all Americans which includes a package to provide free prescription drugs for our seniors."

Writing Rendezvous correspondent Harry The Partridge caught up with Condit in the parking lot and asked him a pointed question before pooping on his car. "That's a very ambitious agenda you have there, Mr. Condit, don't you think you'll have trouble getting congress on board to support your plan?"

"Oh, they'll be on board, or else." A wild-eyed Condit snarled as he ducked into his car.

If Gary Condit does beat the odds, he will certainly not be the first politician to survive lethal scandal. Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-MA) weathering Chappaquiddick would seem the most notable analogue, but does Gary Condit have the Kennedy touch? Only time will tell.

Developing...

Six New Knock Knock Jokes By Harry The Partridge

2007-04-10T01:16:00.000-07:00

Knock Knock

Who's There?

An Amish man, I need to take a leak and use your phone.

An Amish man, I need to take a leak and use your phone who?

It's not a joke you asshole, open the goddamn door, I really need to go.

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Jehovahs Witness

Jehovahs Witness Who?

Jehovahs Witness EVERYBODY. For instance, we witnessed you stealing flowers from our church *cough cough*. Now, if you'll just argue with me about scripture for a few minutes while my associate breaks into your car and steals your stereo, we can just about call it even.

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Interrupting conservative talk radio host

Interrupting conservative ta-

Shut up you America-hating, communist, Islamo-fascist loving, gay sex promoting, moral relativist, flag-burning, tax and spend LIBERAL TRAITOR!

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Trump

Trump who?

You can trump whomever you'd like, but how about you start with that fat untalented slob, Rosie.

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Imus

Imus who?

Imusta really fucked things up. Now folks are saying I make Michael Richards look like Malcolm X.

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Ryan Seacrest

I'm sorry, the Log Cabin Republicans meeting is next door

Exclusive Don Imus Enters Rehab

2007-04-09T17:44:00.000-07:00

A publicist for nationally syndicated radio windbag Don Imus has confirmed it. Don Imus this afternoon checked himself into an illustrious rehab facility in Palm Springs, Florida.

Imus caused an uproar this week by calling the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos". Kowtowing to pressure from civil rights leaders including the Reverends Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson, CBS and NBC both announced they will be suspending Imus from the airwaves for 2 weeks due to his racist remarks.

News of Imus' entry into the luxurious Florida treatment facility casts doubt onto whether he will return to reclaim his chair at the end of the alloted 2 week punishment. An Imus aide speaking on the condition of anonymity told reporters from Writing Rendezvous that Imus was looking forward to "at least a good month or two of swimming, massage, tennis, and gourmet food delivered poolside while he sorts out his demons."

"I'm sorry for what I said, ok?" Imus told Al Sharpton earlier today "I'm not a racist. I have a problem with addiction. Now, if you'll please excuse me. Can you get your assistant, sugar tits over there, to get my keys, I have a plane to catch."

Developing...

One Acts: Keeper of the Keys

2007-04-08T22:30:00.000-07:00

[Curtain rises to reveal Barry Lewis, a recently deceased rug salesman from Plainsboro, New Jersey, as he emerges from an escalator that recedes into a fluffy mass of clouds. The dulcet tones of Rod Stewart can be heard wafting through the air. He finds himself facing a giant portal perfectly rendered from flawless pearl and backlit by a bright white light. In front of the gate stands an elderly man dressed in flowing white robes. The man squints into a massive, leather-bound book resting on top of a wooden lectern. He removes a ballpoint pen from behind his ear and yawns lazily. People are standing in front of the lectern and grouped behind a yellow line three feet away from it.]

St. Peter: Lew-, Lewin? Aw, for Christ's sake, look at this handwriting. Is that an "s"? Lewis? Do we have a Barry Lewis?

Barry: That's me!

St. Peter: Approach the counter please. Do you have form 3L filled out already?

Barry: Uh, they just told me to come here. Was there a sign or something?

St. Peter: It shoudla come by post. Was the package shaped like a large string instrument or more like a pitchfork? Crap, I knew I should've sprung for delivery confirmation.

Barry: It might have went to my P.O. box. They can't accept large packages. Can I fill it out up here?

St. Peter: [grunts] Well, move to the side so that I can get some more people through.

[Barry takes a pen attached to the lectern by a rubber band and madly starts scribbling on the form. In the meantime an emaciated young African girl hands St. Peter a form and is waved through. She is followed by a jowled man in a business suit, who is pointed in the direction of a large trap door flanked by a large red lever and emanating sulphuric clouds. Muffled screams periodically leak out of the door.]

Barry: Alright, done. I wasn't sure what to put for line 64 because I haven't filed this year's taxes yet, so I just left it blank.

St. Peter: [squints at sheet] Hmm, so you're a rug salemsan from Plainsboro? Well at least if you get the trap door it won't be a major step down.

Barry: Har, har. Listen, can we get down to business?

St. Peter: Sorry. Ok, well since you don't have all the forms with you I have to ask you a series of questions. Most of this stuff is pretty pro forma, but we gotta keep appearances you know.

Barry: Hey, I tried to get a tattoo in Massachusetts on a Sunday once, I understand what you mean.

St. Peter: Have you ever used performance enhancing drugs? This includes, but is not limited to, human growth hormone, winstrol, and androstenedione.

Barry: No..are you sure you have the right Barry? The last name is Lewis...

St. Peter: Look, buddy, I'm just reading off the sheet. If Mother Theresa was here, she'd get the same questions. Can I continue?

Barry: Yeah, let's get through this as quickly as we can though. I think I made the mistake of inhaling somehwere in the troposphere and I really need to use facilities.

St. Peter: Have you ever been convicted of crime or been held liable for damages in any of the civil torts covered under Table 3.A? [St. Peter mutters, pulls a giant tome out from under the lectern, and starts flipping through the pages] They really need to index these things.

[St. Peter continues to flip as a line starts forming behind Barry. "Come on!" shouts someone from the queue]

Barry: Look, I think I got a DUI and a few missed credit card payments. One time I ate at Chevy's and split before the bill arrived. Shouldn't that cover it?

St. Peter: [Ignoring him] I really should call the county about this one...

Barry: It's 5:03, no one's gonna be answering phones now in a public office. They work French hours. Besides, do I look like Eichmann here? Is my name Pol Pot? Can we move on?

[The crowd is practically in full rebellion now, and some begin to push their way down the escalator. Barry grabs his crotch and starts lightly jogging in place]

Barry: Look, how much more do we have left? I'm about two minutes away from renal failure here.

St. Peter: [to Barry] Wait a second. [To the crowd] Stop there, you can't go down that way! [He starts moving towards the jostling crowd. A wayward elbow sweeps his glasses off and he drops to his knees, groping]

Barry: Look, Pete, I'm going to head in and take a leak. I'll settle with you tomorrow. If you need some new lenses, I know a great guy in West Windsor who can get you a great deal.

[Barry pushes open the gate and jogs inside, grabbing his crotch. The crowd continues to surge down the escalator, except for a few people carrying homemade knives and wearing prison jumpsuits, who make a beeline for the pearly gates. A lawyer can be seen writing and crossing out in the leather-bound book. St. Peter is still groping around for his glasses.]

[curtain]

Ultimate Potency and Performance, A Special Feature By Rex Larry Champion

2007-04-07T22:25:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what it would take to achieve Potency and Performance? Don't get me wrong now. I'm not talking about just any kind of Potency and Performance. I'm talking about ULTIMATE Potency and Performance.

Maybe you tried to achieve Ultimate Potency and Performance before, but you just weren't gaining the RESULTS you wanted?

I wondered about this for years until finally I had the big break though that changed everything, forever!

For most guys Ultimate Potency and Performance is just a pipe dream. I know it was for me.

That was then.
But now, I know the truth.

The sorry fact is, dream-snatchers want you to forever vanquish your own glory with words of defeat.

Don't listen to them.

Follow the program and you can work it out.

Max is key.

It's all about the Max.

Maximize. Max it. Max it out.

Follow the max and you can begin to understand the maximum peek powerhouse that fuels Ultimate Potency and Performance for Ultimate Satisfaction.

The search for Ultimate Potency and Performance led me far and wide, but now I know that Ultimate Potency and Performance is within every man's grasp.

Remember, you have to believe it to achieve it. Believe it. Achieve it out.

There's no room for excuses.

Nancy boys don't know how to Take It Up A Notch and that's a sorry fact.

I wondered about this for years.

And then I discovered the truth.

I realized their problem is learning.

You can't learn your way to Ultimate Potency and Performance.

If you learn, you can forget. So don't waste your time learning.

If you never learn, you can never forget.

If you never forget, you will know everything.

It's all in your gut. So go with your gut. Work your gut. Gut it. Gut it out.

You're on your way.

I know you want to know the big secret for Ultimate Potency and Performance, but it's too powerful to just give away.

For more information you have to buy the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™

Don't wait.

Ultimate Potency and Performance for Ultimate Satisfaction is a reality, you just need to grab it. Grab it out.

Remember, "Today is a mystery, tomorrow is a dream. If you let your yesterday fade away, satisfaction will follow those who follow themselves."

Six Not Particularly Well-Timed Knock Knock Jokes By Harry The Partridge

2007-04-07T21:38:00.000-07:00

They say timing is everything. I say better late than never. Besides, some things (like Nick Nolte's mugshot) never get old.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Mel

Mel who? Mel??? Shit honey, is that Mezuzah still on the front door? Quick, call the fire department!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

George Allen.

George Allen who?

Listen macaca, just open the goddamn door, I have a deer's head and a flaming bag of dog doo with your name on it.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Lou Dobbs and 25 INS agents

Lou Dobbs and 25 INS agents who?

Don't worry, we're not going to hurt you, we just want to buy some tacos from your cart. Haha, just kidding, you're on TV and you're under arrest.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Michael Moore... Hello? Knock knock... Hello? Are you there? Knock knock. I just want to ask you a few questions. Knock knock. Hello? Knock knock. Knock knock.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Yo, it's me. Open up. My screen name is sexystud4kids, I'm here dude, I brought rope and Hennessy, come on and open the door, you're scaring me. This had better not be that Dateline NBC Catch a Predator shit.

Oh hi Senator, come on in.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

I saw your ad on craigslist.

I saw your ad on craigslist who?

Shit, who am I kidding, I'm here to distract you while my friend steals your car stereo.

Global War On Terror Sinks

2007-04-07T21:33:00.000-07:00

(Washington) The House Armed Services Committee has decided to finally nix the annoying catch-phrase "The Global War on Terror", eliminating it from the 2008 defense authorization bill in favor of more specifically worded operations such as "the war in Afghanistan" and "the war in Iraq". While this move has many positive functions, it may be politically moot at this point.

Following September 11th, Americans consistently ranked the global war on terror as their #1 concern. Today, more than five years after 9/11, the nation's priorities appear to have changed. According to a new Sasquatch/RLC poll, the global war on terror has completely slipped from the top 10 list for the first time since 9/11.

Wars America cares about today, a ranking:

#1) The war on cellulite
#2) The war on personal consumption habits of people who speak publicly about global warming
#3) The war on that fat kid who keeps on stealing my school lunch
#4) The war in Iraq
#5) The war on homosexuals
#6) The war on performance enhancing drugs in professional sports
#7) The war on children who speak spanish
#8) The war on transfats
#9) The war on the history channel, probably WWI but I decided to watch Crank Yankers instead
#10) The war on those damn flag burning liberal traitors
-------
#11) The global war on terror

The Greatest of All Time Takes it Up a Notch

2007-04-06T03:40:00.000-07:00

Ask Sasquatch

2007-04-06T03:25:00.000-07:00

Q: Sasquatch, have you heard the one about the paleontologist and the proctologist out on a date?
A: No, but I'm sure they found true love, they have a lot in common. They're both obsessed with looking up my ass.

Q: What do you make of Rudy Guliani's penchant for dressing in drag?
A: He seems like a nice enough chap, but I think the man is misinformed. We should all agree he'd find a more comfortable home on Downing Street than on Pennsylvania Ave.

Q: Speaking of the limeys, what do you think about the 15 British servicemen and woman held captive and released by Iran this week?
A: I think Ayatollah Ali Khamenei needs to invest in a few good tailors, those suits looked horrible. Just goes to show what can happen when you don't allow jews in your country.

Q: Do you think there will ever be peace and stability in the middle east?
A: Hahahaha, oh sorry, you were being serious. Let's just say I see Madeline Albright winning a bikini contest before I see that.

Q: What do you like to drink?
A: Goat's blood or brandy on the rocks, it depends on the occasion and what kind of mood I'm in.

Q: Strange. Mel Gibson gave me that same answer when I asked him the same.
A: You know Mel is gay, don't you? Like that's any secret in this town. Ha.

Q: I know Tom Cruise is, but Mel?
A: Yeah, Mel's batting for the wrong team. I met him in rehab, he's a great guy, but he's queer. When I met him he was pretending to be a proctologist.

Q: I think I'm going to just ignore the last part of that. So anyway, uhh, yeah. So Sasquatch, you were in rehab?
A: Yeah, I kicked a midget down a flight of stairs and my publicist said it would be a smart career move if I checked into rehab for a while.

Q: That's horrible. You kicked a midget?
A: Matt Serra was in my way, what's a proto-ape supposed to do?

Q: Are you normally a violent creature?
A: It's funny you ask. You know, those revisionist naturalists over at the Discovery Channel are waging a smear campaign against me. I'm misunderstood, I'm a gentle giant, I'm a vegetarian so they say. NO I'M NOT! I'm a savage beast. I like to feast on uncooked flesh and I've been known to rough up a hooker or two in my day.

Q: Wow. You and Mel must have really hit it off.
A. Ha!

Q: Sasquatch, what does the world need now?
A: Love, sweet love.

Q: Do you wear boxers or briefs?
A: I'm a sasquatch, I usually go unclothed.

Q: Would you consider yourself a nudist then?
A: Yes.

Q: What do you think of the genocide in Darfur?
A: I think George Clooney isn't doing enough to stop it.

Q: Are you going to go watch Ocean's 13 when it comes out this summer?
A: Hell yeah.

Q: I'm getting kind of hungry, lets say we go get a bite to eat, do you know any good places around here?
A: How about Wendy's?

Q: Ok.

Why Matt Hughes Became a Fighter

2007-03-25T00:10:00.001-07:00

Daily Wisdom For Life With Rex Larry Champion

2007-03-21T01:01:00.000-07:00

I heard some of you nancy boys haven't been keeping with the program. I'm not impressed.

Now drop down and give me 50.

Don't worry guys, I wont be too hard on you. Part of it is my fault, I admit it. I've been too soft on you. So I need to be harder on you. Do you understand? Good.

Now give me 50.

I'm not going to stand out here and call myself a Life Coach without meaning it. Last time I checked the dictionary, the word Coach was part of Life Coach, so I'm going to honor a self-promise I made long ago, back when I was nobody, stuffing envelopes for the 'male enhancement' marketing blitz, wallowing away in the pity of lost days and missed glory. Never again would I fail to be all that I could be. You might hate me. I want you to hate me. That's alright. You don't see it, but YOU ARE ME! Do you understand? I'm not going to let you slip away. Not this time, not again, never again! This is all for your own good, boys. It's time to take your medicine.

Now give me 50!

You weakling nancy boys need a wake up call. This isn't a game, it's your life. Are you ready? I can't hear you! You'd better be ready because today I'm going to help you TAKE IT UP A NOTCH for LIFE.

****************************************
Today's lesson is about THE OTHER GUY.

Personal growth, personal success, personal finance. It's all pure crap. No man is an island.

Your numbers don't mean jack shit.

Your numbers don't mean jack shit!!

THE ONLY QUESTION YOU SHOULD EVER ASK IN LIFE iS "HOW DO I STACK UP"?

Ok Einstein, listen up because I'm only going to say this once:

You'll never know how you STACK UP without finding out about THE OTHER GUY.

THE OTHER GUY will never give away the information you need, so you need to work for it. Work it out. Pump it.

Invest in a good spy camera and buy a keyboard stroke monitor. Always keep a comb, needle-nose pliers and a length of twine in your glove compartment because you never know when you'll need it. Go to your local spy shop and load up on gear. You need the right tools for the job.

Never be unprepared.

Trust no one.

Every man is the enemy.

****************************************

Great session today! Keep working on the program and before long, you'll be able to hang with THE BIG BOYS. Until next time, this has been Daily Wisdom For Life With Rex Larry Champion.

Making the Most of Your Education

2007-03-20T23:52:00.000-07:00

Decades ago a high school education might have been enough to secure life's essentials: Food, shelter, even a spanking paddle with holes in it, if one was lucky. Nowadays employees are expected to be familiar with global finance, information technology, and how the Chalupa Supreme™ differs from the Gordita Supreme™. As a service to readers who may be wondering how to educate themselves for the 21st century, we have compiled a list of essential courses that are readily available in most community colleges and/or Books On Tape:

Introductory Microeconomics -
Have you ever wondered what causes gas prices to rise or why engineering students never get laid? Microeconomics shows how simple ideas like supply and demand effect the phenomena we see in every day life. Topics covered include marginal utility, factors of production, and why people would throw their money into a blender if it was labeled "Real Estate: No Money Down!!!" Also covered: Making moral relativism work for YOU.

Sales 101 -
Many people mistakenly assume that usefulness and sound marketing are the most important aspect of selling a product. In reality, sales is an art that fuses individual skills (matching ties with short-sleeve dress shirts, finding out which drugstores sell the best colognes, and when to feign an inability to communicate in English) into a more meaningful whole. "Getting a foot (or, failing that, a crowbar) in the door" is emphasized, as is the importance of getting testimonials from obese mullet heads who can plausibly claim to make $1,000 per minute while urinating into a water balloon. Independent observations at local mattress retailers are required.

Beginning Philosophy -
For centuries mankind has grappled with fundamental questions of morality and existence. Is it ever right to commit a moral wrong? Is the life of a polar bear worth more than that of a sloth? What if the sloth is a patron of the Metropolitan Opera House? Is it possible to have lower self-esteem than Franz Kafka? Students will explore these conundrums and many others by examining the works of history's greatest thinkers, such as Socrates, Friedrich Nietzsche, Soren Kierkegaard, and Lou Dobbs. Ultimately, students will gain an understanding of humanity's most enduring philosophical debates and why they are better off going into investment banking.

Understanding the Physical World -
Finally, a science course for those of us who have trouble remembering the integers. Topics to be emphasized include plants, animals, the sun, and not being late to football practice. Students will gain an understanding of evolution and why we should be nicer to pigeons. The final exam is mandatory and students will be required not only to differentiate between 15 species of dinosaurs, but also to correctly predict which one would beat the others in a fight.

Inspiration for Life by Best Selling Author and Life-Coach, Rex Larry Champion

2007-03-16T05:50:00.000-07:00

Are you ready to take it to the next level?

I can't hear you!!

Are you ready to take it up a notch?

What's that you say? Yes?

Why on earth would you take it up a notch when you can take it up 20 notches. That's right. That's what I'm talking about.

Welcome to the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™.

Say goodbye to your old life. You have arrived.

*********************************************
Lesson one: Keep it Simple

To be a winner in life, there are three ingredients:
1.) The desire to achieve success beyond your wildest dreams
2.) My award winning books and tapes
3.) Professional laser tooth whitening, or better yet, Lumineers™

Lesson two:
There is no lesson two. Buy my book and all will be revealed to you.

You still haven't bought my book? That's ok. I'm going to do something really crazy and share the first 2 chapters with you, completely free of charge. Because I'm just that kind of guy.

Strap yourselves in and prepare yourself for the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™

*********************************************
Chapter One: Ultimate Action for Ultimate Potency and Performance

Do you hate your job? Is multilevel marketing making you blue? I know it was for me until I learned the BIG SECRET that changed everything, FOREVER!

Wouldn't it be great if you could:

• Fire your boss
• Work from home
• Go on vacations whenever and wherever you want
• Unlock the hidden power of TIMESHARE
• Harness the power of Ultimate Potency and Performance

To millions of guys, this is just a pipe dream. I know it was for me, until I learned the BIG SECRET that changed everything, FOREVER! There will be challenges along the way, no doubt. But for every dream snatcher, there is an opportunity to TAKE IT UP A NOTCH. That's where I learned my first lesson. It was during that time that I realized everything that could be, but wasn't. It was like I couldn't wait to burst out. There was a gigantic bulge coming off of me, just waiting to break free.

That's when I learned my second lesson, it wasn't about the BULGE, it was about the BURN, and ULTIMATE PERFORMANCE for ULTIMATE SATISFACTION. Once I discovered the Ultimate Secret, I started taking it up two, three, even four notches at a time. I was able to quit my job. I bought my first Porsche. And then the real opportunities began. You see, at that level it's all about maximum potency and nothing stops, it just keeps on moving and you can't stop. You need more and more. "The hunger is life and the challenge is the hunger to keep driving." It's the drive and the high-octane surge and the ultimate satisfaction that comes from knowing you're going to keep on going to take those notches down to take it up again and again. Tear them down and around and move over it. Pump it out. It's not what's under the hood, it's what's coming out of the vents. It's the pulse. Are you following me? Ok good, because we're just getting started.

Now I bet you're some kind of puny nancy boy, too scared to take it up a notch. That's where The System comes in. The RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™

If you're sitting down I want you to stand up, because I want you to FEEL THE POWER. You can't experience ULTIMATE POTENCY and PERFORMANCE sitting down. That's like trying to throw a spit ball in the world series, you can't get away with it. You need to pump. Now what are your financial targets? Don't say it in your head, say it out loud. We practice a targeted approach to visualizing success in the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™ Now say it out loud. What are you worth? I can't hear you, nancy boy! What are you worth? Louder! What are you worth? That's all??? I made that last week. Now come on, go with the pump. Pump it out. How much money do you want this month, this year, for LIFE?

Ok, that should have been pretty intense for you. We're going to take a break and go into the cool down period. You should be sweating.

Now you should be ready for the next step in the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™

*********************************************
Chapter Two: Unleash the Beast Within

It's time.

No more excuses. You know the ones I'm talking about:

I'm too busy
I'm too tired
I'm injured
I'm sick
I'm too old
I'm too fat
I'm too ugly
I'm to dumb

Now I want you to do 20 pushups. With each pushup I want you to shout "no excuses" as loud as you can. If the neighbors cat can't hear you, you aren't loud enough. This exercise is a cornerstone of the RL Champion Ultimate Turbo 20-Notch System™. You should do this religiously. Do it every day while you are washing the car or shaving or picking your kids up from soccer practice. This step is the bread that holds the pudding together.

Excuses are like assholes, everyone has them and they all stink. You need to cleanse yourself of all excuses, get really nice and clean. Clean it out.

I bet some of you are thinking "how can I do pushups while I'm washing a car or shaving?". That's exactly the kind of negative thinking that I'm talking about. Do you think Buzz Lightyear would have been the first man on the moon if he had an attitude like that? Figure it out. Work it out. Pump it. Come on guys, it's not that hard. I don't want any excuses out of you.

"Nancy boys forever vanquish their own glory with words of defeat." I want you to remember that quote because we're going to come back to it.

Jaded Urbanite Scoffs at Discovery of New Species

2007-03-16T03:11:00.000-07:00

(New York) Today Barry Rosenblatt hit up the Drudge Report as he does every day from his office, searching for scandal and miscellaneous slime appealing to the prurient interest. What he found was a link to some e-rag from England about some stupid-ass animal. "What is this shit? It can't even do anything!" Rosenblatt scoffed, "sheesh, at least wait until Siegfried and Roy sodomize it for a few months and get it to dance with strippers or jump through rings of fire or something before you waste my time with this crap. What is it with these new species anyway? I thought humans were supposed to be destroying the Earth's wildlife. For Pete's sake, what's taking so long? Shouldn't this thing be extinct by now so I don't have to hear about it? Who even cares about this crap, if I wanted to see animals I'd go to the Bronx Zoo. Once you've seen one stupid animal, you've seen them all. You can't even eat one of these things. What's the point? It's a stupidity is what it is, a stupidity."

Exclusive John Edwards Throws in Towel

2007-03-16T02:32:00.000-07:00

Presidential hopeful Senator John Edwards shocked supporters today by announcing he is dropping out of the race. "I have always sought to follow my dreams", the Senator tearfully told an Iowa audience this afternoon "but sometimes ambition can get in the way of our true purpose here. My family and I came to the conclusion this week that the White House isn't what God had in mind for me. So I've chosen to take up the real estate seminar circuit. Don't worry friends, you haven't seen the last of me. I'll see y'all soon at the airport Hilton."
... Developing ...

From the Files of U.S. Intelligence

2007-03-15T23:52:00.000-07:00

The recent confessions of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed (the criminal mastermind behind the attacks of September 11, the murder of Daniel Pearl, and a string of liquor store robberies on El Camino Real) indicate the true gravity of the threat posed by modern terrorists. To get a sense of the true horror we are facing, one must consider the primary sources: The official Pentagon records of the Mohammed interrogation, which are excerpted below:

Day 1:

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed arrives in Guantanomo accompanied by Osama Bin Laden's driver, bodyguard, and shiatsu masseuse. The bodyguard immediately requests a lawyer, preferably one that he does not recognize from late night television ads. The Army interrogator refuses and threatens to unleash the masseuse on the bodyguard. The bodyguard immediately reveals that Ayman Al-Zawahiri is in hiding, having spent the past few months in Pakistan, Afghanistan, and playing goalie for the New York Islanders. The Army, realizing that the Islanders have won 4 of their last 5, decides not to pursue the lead.

Day 2:
The interrogation of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed begins, only to be interrupted when the authorities realize that they have mistakenly brought Ron Jeremy into custody. Mohammed is discovered in a Van Nuys hotel room handcuffed with a ball gag, greatly simplifying matters. Mohammed is immediately flown to Guantanamo, but only after the Pentagon confiscates some videos found in the hotel room as evidence.

Day 7:
Mohammed is finally interrogated after four days in solitary confinement. The interrogator attempts to begin questioning only to find that Mohammed's mental state has deteriorated to a point where he expresses himself by reciting series of prime numbers.

Day 10:
Mohammed complains to prison officials that he has been tortured in violation of the Geneva Conventions. Officials insist that stocking his cell with live flesh eating beetles is in fact a lifesaving medical procedure, and that he should enjoy it while he still has health coverage.

Day 15:
Finally broken, Mohammed tearfully admits to planning an assortment of vile crimes, including a planned assassination of the Pope and conspiracy to violate blue laws in Bergen County, New Jersey. Interrogators attempt to attribute the screenplay for Gigli to him as well, but Mohammed balks. Eventually he pleads guilty to acting as the best boy grip on the set of Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever and transporting a pomelo across state lines for immoral purposes.

The world is clearly safer without men such as Mohammed running through our streets (or through the dirt-paved roads of Islamist madrasas in Pakistan). But the western world must remain vigilant. Already there have been rumors that terrorists plan to attack major American landmarks. Some even believe that they are plotting to raise bridge tolls and postal stamp prices within 3 weeks. If history has taught us anything, it is that the terrorists will stop at nothing, and they only have to be right once, or at least 2/5 of the time.